day 11

so much to do that i'd rather not think about, another day gone and still haven't gotten anything done on my list..bah. Really should...

The more I think about it, the more I actually do feel that Avatar wasn't that great of a movie, in terms of story/character/plot development and all that. But still, nonetheless I can't ignore my artistic, visually -pleased self. Lol.

Anyways...Up? Maybe...ice cream would be delicious...but I'm still too scared of gaining weight..esp since I'm currently wearing a form-fitting dress. Haha. I kinda miss the slum part of me. Lol.

And I wonder if I'll end up staying up till midnight. I might, since I'm done with having to get up at 8 Am lol. Yay.

あけましておめでとうございます!

I miss you...

day 10

Gah..Here we go. I don't really know what to say. I hate being ordered around and told to do stuff for my brothers...so much for having them be grown up...It's fuckin wearin' me out...

Anyways, I want to send you a recording of the song I did too...but I duno if I want to send you the choir version or the solo version heh...both have their good and bad attributes...heh. Maybe you'd forget to listen anyways...

Seems like it's been forever since I last saw you. Hard to think I spent most of my winter-break with you...and now, we're like this...lol...

On a lighter note...haha. The pics are failing to attach. :P Totally not my fault...but I guess I'll add an explanation heh.

And um..yeah. It's supposed to snow. Or ice. Or something like that...and that's just what we need. To be stuck in this house for an extensive period of time together... :P

Hm...I need to get Shinya's water-neutralizing stuff so I can clean his tank...heh...oops...

Also gotta schedule that appointment...and call grandma...gah...I haven't done anything on my invisible list yet...*sigh*

But um..new power cord = yay! Tho I Did see sparks coming from the plug when I plugged it in.... o_o

Well, time to chat. :)

day 9

*sigh*...tired as usual...was so ready to pass out on the couch today at the end of watching the movie with the bros. My biggest issue I've learned when handling young children. To sometimes, just not give a damn to avoid stressful and possibly regrettable situations.

Moving on. I wonder how you'll take my statuses. It's probably all well and good. Again, I have to admit it'd be awkward just to stand there while you read them, lol.

Random note: I hate having stressful academic-related dreams, which often entail me not completing a project, test or other assignment on time. Last night's was not being prepared for an exam. Gah.

Anyways. Been thinking bout you again. Didn't hear from you today...I wonder how you're doing... :/ But maybe I feel a bit better....? Somehow...? I hope I'm just not kidding myself. I wonder if it'll really work though...

On a happier note, I hope things get better. And I expect good times this semester. I'm sorry I can't come to the show..but I always do my best to keep the promises I made first in tact...no matter who they're too.

Even if I still don't trust the words of love, well...I miss you too...

Day 8

Well, I find it highly impressive that I'm now getting tired around 9:30 pm...guess it makes sense, trying to deal with, i mean take care of my bros and working for mom and getting up at 8 AM... @_@

You're words are encouraging, by the way, and it's nice to hear from you every day. Even if we just talk about the weather. I'm happy you're at least talking to me...and even putting up with my incessant rant about my love woes lol.

While I'm still very much in love with you....I thought about what it'd be like to really try and not worry about it, to put it on hold, so I can really put myself into this new, potential love. I found myself picturing a very happy me, a me that felt like she was suddenly free, though I'm not really sure I can explain why.

I hate closing my eyes and jumping...but...I guess this is what it's come to...

If I don't know what I want...if I Can't get what I think I want...well...

might as well try a little trust in fate, right?...

day 7

man...its great that mom wants to always be productive but break is called break for a reason...

anyways, should go to bed soon, it'll be a long week...with so much to do...wonder when i'll get my appt for blood drawing in... o_o

on a random note- i wish i could take the creative writing class again....kinda. i feel like i coulda done better anyways...

also...i guess i'll see how it goes...even my heart is hesitant to believe...i know i can trust u, and even mom said to give you a chance...but, i know that deep down thats not the problem...because i know hearts dont forget easily, includung mine...and on top of that i'm just not sure if its worth it... to let myself fall in love. For the pain it could cause both or either of us. It would be lovely to live a brief dream...but i just don't know... :/

day 6

Guess it Has almost been a week. And what'dya know? Already managed to get myself entangled in a few screaming matches. Makes me wish...and miss having somewhere else to go.

I did get my arrows and such. I'll be glad to pick up archery again.

I'd been thinking about if mom didn't pay me. And if I have to pay for this semester, that's fine..but it'll mean no money for Japan...Still, I hope to get the job anyways...

I don't want to even think about all the stuff I still have to do yet before I get back to school...*sigh*

On a completely opposite opinion than my last blog entry, I guess love stories don't intrigue me like they once did. Or may it's just that I really no longer feel heart-warmed when I hear the fluffy words of love between two people. Maybe because I know how the ending goes.

I'm just not sure I can trust you enough to fall in love with you...because I just don't see a real future for the two of us together. And I know who is in our heart. And I know that can't be changed by effort. :/

I will admit...I was happy to get your email. It's almost like old times. Almost. And I still miss you. And love you...Of course. Like always...

"And though I know, I've already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I'm asking you is don't write me off, just yet
Don't write me off just yet..."

day 5 part 2

Just a few notes, because I am very tired and will go to sleep very soon.

I find it interesting that, of and on, I like to watch or read love stories. Though I'm too tired to really go into depth as to why that might be. Maybe another time.

Was also thinking about animals...and them appearing in my dreams. Especially wolves, either where they're chasing me, trying to get into my house, attacking me, becoming a great companion or (more recently) where I'm subduing them. I guess I could understand why I might be a wolf person, but there's a lot about me that isn't very wolf-ish at all. Who knows. I'm clueless as of yet.

I wonder if I could fall in love with you. I'm sure it'd be easy to do...but I know now that I could get hurt easily. And even if I did, I know it wouldn't be the same. I know you could love me very well...but from the first time I talked to you, I could tell that something was missing. And it probably always will, no matter how close we become. But suppose that's okay...

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. On How It's Made, they showed people making stuff by hand, and I thought of you. How much I loved that about you...and now, everything's starting to remind me of you again... :( Every day that we don't speak, I feel colder and emptier inside, no matter how cheerful or warm I may seem on the outside...

I wish I could see you again...or even better...you would come see me...but after all, if it happens, it'll have to be fate. Because neither of us had...or have enough faith to see it through. If there Is anything at all...

"Oh I miss you now, my love...Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas...my love."

Oyasumi...

Day 5?

You'd think, of any nights to blog, it'd be Xmas eve. But then again, in my defense, I forgot. That's understandable, right? lol. Well at least I'm doing this for me and not really for anyone else...Though I'll still probably blog again tonight...hopefully.

A target- just like I asked for, so that's cool, tho the deer on it kinda bother me... Hopefully will get the arrows tomorrow. And just ordered the string(hopefully the right one). With any luck, I can be practicing a week from now. Could be a couple days from now...if I had brought my bowstring home. Obviously didn't think about it though, lol.

So, a nice, red sweater, okay. It's nice.

A creative writing "tool kit." Probably woulda been more happy, if I didn't absolutely despise creative writing now. Thanks to both my classes which basically said I fail at it.

But moving on. It's weird not to hear your voice on Christmas. I miss it. A lot...just one more thing to add to the List of What I Miss Now That You're Gone...I wonder where you are. If you're even at home. And as always...I wonder if you miss me too... lol...wouldn't it be nice to talk to you? But I know you wouldn't pick up if I called. So I won't bother you. But I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas, nonetheless.

Maybe I'll send my list of stasues after all. Since I just realized it'd be awkward anyways, just sitting there reading over your shoulder, lol. I'm pretty sure you can figure it out.

Gotta call Grandma, and thank her for her money birthday card. Even though I just gave it away, heh. But it's fine. :)

And...gotta get medication soon...and go get my blood drawn...guh....so much stuff.... :/

But oh well. Hopefully I can take care of that stuff soon.

メリークリスマ!

Day 4

cold, but emotionally feeling better. somehow. tho i wasn't earlier lol....the Usual...heh...apparently he has a wiki page. with spelling errors as expected lol...

but reading your status updates was fun lol. ur quite the character.

this year we might not have a tree, depending on how lazy i feel...i guess.........

also. excited about gift exchanges, but sad i haven't been able to get anyone anything really...and i hate the awkward feeling of receiving and opening gifts...lol. 'cause i'm not a child. greedy bastards :P

anyways def tired...hopefully i can sleep better? hopefully i won't have to work either tomorrow...i know i'll have to be doing a lot of frequent damage control on my brothers anyways...


anyways. miss you lots. wish you were here. both of you. <3

day 3

so here i am once again crying because....u guessed it. a guy.

i miss him...and now...

ironically it wasn't too long ago that he told me he wouldnt hurt me intentionally...

but sometimes, i said, we hurt someone without even knowing it.

i tried to help. but i guess as my ex said, i shouldnt have.

but i did try. to put up with it and to be supportive. and what did that accomplish?

just getting told off. i guess we're just human.

but thats where i draw the line.

i'm sorry for fucking things up.

but in the end, u can really only blame yourself kid.

and i've had it.

best wishes and good luck.

'cause when u treat someone like u did me...

well. i can't say how much longer i'll stick around for ya.

peace out.

day 2

kinda tired...and cold of course...duno why being at home is exhausting. shouldn't be....

talking about life/death/love situations that'll never happen is interesting. and what i said about who i'd save and why is true.

my left hand seems to be doing a bit better. but my right hand is still bad...ugh.

so far only a minor fight/yelling session broke out. and at least it wasn't with me.

i know it's pointless to try and win someone's love. and i hope i dont feel that way about you too...

but when u said u missed me...even though you talked about all the girls you liked...i guess for one moment i had hope. i was happy...

Day 1

and so begins winter break. some unpacking for mom and some mindless tasks for the business...but other than that there shouldn't be anything too difficult about this break...hopefully.

so i was thinking about the story-writing...and i wish i had the patience to write mine. it'd be interesting, i bet. but if i had submitted it, it wouldn't have been fiction. so unfortunately would not have counted, no matter how interesting it is.

still. even if it wasn't complete, i wonder if he'll be able to tell. those thoughts are very real. they were mine, after all.

I want to see Dear John. I also want to read the book. I wonder why the letter seems so romantic. But it is. Maybe, because like this journal, we're allowed to be free with our thoughts. We can say stuff like "I love you and I miss you so much." And those thoughts touch people. The letter may be sentimental...but it's real. Because it's how we truly feel.

there's a lot i'd want to say. and it's almost fun to narrate the story of your life. of love.

but i don't remember much. so it wouldn't make for a very good story, i suppose. all i remember are instances. letters in the cold winter when i was without email. countless train rides. walks in the park. late night phone calls. late night arguments...it's all there. it's...everything that makes me love you...it's everything i can't forget...

Lines like...

Falling in love isn't hard to do...once you find a decent guy.

With you, falling in love felt right somehow.

Back then...I thought that it was easy to fall in love. What I didn't know was that it is easier to get your heart broken.

"I'm just not in love with you anymore" really hurts.

But knowing that no matter how he touches you, no matter how gently he looks at you...no matter how familiar that feeling may be...you're not the one.

And you can tell when it's forced. Because part of being in love...that feeling that everyone's after...part of it is a feeling you can't control.

Like looking at his picture...and feeling your heart beat fast. No matter what you tell yourself. No matter what the truth is. That it doesn't matter how you feel. Because it won't change anything.

But still... I wish I could see you. I wish I could hold you one more time....I don't know if you're waiting for me...you've told me you're not. And I don't know what to believe...I wish I knew...

When I said I'd miss you, I meant it. I didn't mean to. But I did.

It's terrifying to fall in love. And I almost did. Again.

Back then..I wish I hadn't fallen in love. Because doing it for the first time is easy.

But the secrets we must keep...the complexities....and the hearts that we can't control...it's why we won't fall in love. It's just not there. And I guess that's fine. We shouldn't fall in love anyways.

It's Been A While...

...and the semester is coming to a close. What have I learned? That I can't seem to be good at anything I've tried, guitar is Physically painful, I hated all of my drawings, psychology was just a pain, comp sci was hell, and creative writing..well...I'm terrified to ever show anyone another story again

...and I've realized that I haven't really changed.

I still don't believe in true love.

I'm still easily hurt..and don't always say so.

I still have stupid hopes.

I still have faith in people when I shouldn't.

And lack faith in them when I should simply be grateful when they genuinely care about me.

I don't know how I manage to find the strength to keep going every day...

because I feel like I fail so hard, every time...

I'm still hoping I get that job in Japan, even though, for the first time today, the idea actually terrified me.

I've been trying to learn and record this new song...but I've barely had time to do my homework, so I've been unable to make the final track. Soon though, hopefully.

The snow was beautiful the other night, in the orange glow of the street lamps. And as annoying as it was, trying to get to sleep, it made me smile, to see college kids happy at the sight.

I wish you had been here. We would've had fun, I bet.

But only in my dreams, I guess.

And dammit, it's so cold, I feel like bits of me will snap off and crumble away...

and I feel so empty...

Ah stories...

This is actually a really good idea i think...my story i mean.

I used to be able to instantly feel what the characters might feel...

But it seems like I can't with this one. Why? Everything feels so forced. I'm actually taking time with character development and plot....but for some reason it's like the emotion is lost...

Not to mention there's so much I'm trying to control...not making it seem like a story that we've already read...not using "stock phrases" or cliche phrases...not making the characters stereotypical...adding just enough, and just the right details..

and that's not even counting mechanics...grammar and syntax and the like...

And I really want it to work out...because it seems that no matter what story we read, it's like we don't feel sorry for the characters, when something bad happens to them. It'd be nice if mine was one of the first...

Heh...maybe it's because I spend all of my emotional energy in real life. Yappari, it seems that you just can't beat real life. It's just far too complex to be matched by any purely fictional story.

Haven't really practiced guitar as much as I'd like to..maybe I can tomorrow..I just want some time by myself...

It also seems like I'm unable to sing decently either...which is rather disappointing...

Losing my touch...I guess....

4 days and counting...

i miss my single already. i dont miss the stress of school..but home puts in enough as it is...

i miss knowing i can nap when i want..eat when i want..play mah music...and just be myself without worrying about what i have to do for other people. i'm lazy, i'm selfish i guess...but i like it...

i think i'm falling in love with you. i dont know. i know i shouldn't....i know...

and i still miss you. and it hurts so much i want to cry... i guess i only hope my dreams can help me escape..and provide some relief...

wish you were here...even though i know you don't love me.

even though...you probably don't care...

"he's charming and endearing and i'm comfortable...but i miss screaming and fighting and kissin in the rain..."

"on one condition. you have to promise not to fall in love with me."

"Haha. I don't think that'll be a problem."

Over and over again I try to write the love story I want to tell. What I want is to capture the emotion. But it seems it's impossible after all for me. Not without the true love story. But then, even with the true love story, how can one truly capture 10 years in any number of pages? Because people actually, probably don't care.

Because while peoples' stories are not very interesting at all.

The people themselves are.

How can you come up with such wonderful quirks as someone who has loved to blacksmith since he was in middle school.

Or someone who often says "pretty okay" "huzzah" and "peeps."

Or someone who leaves mangas behind as gifts with every visit.

Or someone who makes bad sci-fi references in every other sentence?

How do you describe something as terrifying, yet exciting as an 8 hour train ride?

Or as frustrating as a missed text due to bad service, that one lonely night?

Or something as sad...as not knowing that one time...would be the last time you could say "i love you," and hear him say it back.

Or something as wonderful as being kissed for the first time?

How do you re-create on paper...the hollowness of feeling replaced...

Or the excitement, when you hear him sign onto AIM?

Or the almost energetic silence of walking side by side...

Or carving pumpkins...

the countless, stupid arguments at 4 AM in the morning through skype...

understanding the fear of running out of food points...

or watching him wave as drives away...visit after visit after visit...

the room that's too organized to be real...

the hand-written letters the time when your parents divorced...

those awkward origami frogs...

or online games of canasta...

the dreams of him..where you can see him...hear him...touch him...and wake to know it is not so.

of watching him love someone else...

of realizing you made a mistake...and because of it you cannot go back...

all those excuses not to let go...

of broken promises...

the fear that you could hurt him...

that you might have to...

or that you already have...

realizing you're actually unwanted...and not needed...

Or wishing you could forget...because he's quite happy without you...

Because we don't seem to be afraid of the beginning...of falling in love for the first time...

We're afraid...when we understand what it means to lose...

And realizing, you actually...probably love him now.

but know you're probably still in love....

and not being able to sleep...because really....

you don't actually know anymore...

and are afraid to admit...that you're getting too tired to pretend...

love story

so i kinda laughed bitterly when we talked about love chick flick romance movies in psychology class...where the girl and guy meet, have some kind of misunderstanding, then get back together in the end.

why?

it's not realistic at all.

please don't get me wrong...even if i can't forget...

i'm so happy that you're by my side now. you've been wonderful. saying everything, doing everything to reassure me that this time it'll be different. it's really quite sweet of you...

but i also feel like i'm always expecting to be disappointed...if i hope, even just a little and i can't become too attached...or else...we'll get hurt, won't we?

even with this one door...every time i get close, every time i want to open it all i hear is:

"No. You can't. Unless you want to cry. Remember this well."

But you and I... together we're comfortable like this...it's peaceful-exactly what I wanted... Even if it's a different kind of romantic relationship...even if it's missing that one essential piece...it's still something good...

Because what we want is impossible, isn't it?

I just need to..."remember this well..."

よく分かってる。。。

"I've been housing all this doubt...and insecurities..."

And to start with something unrelated, chocolate does wonders for the spirit... :)

Waking up this morning was awful- physically, mentally, emotionally...

But I think little by little I'm beginning to feel better. Just seeing you, reminded me not to give up hope. Because you're there taking care of me. So for now, it's okay if I can't be strong on my own.

And before I forget, thank you. For just being there.

So much has happened just in the past 24 hours...

Losing a friend...when I shouldn't have.

Talking with an old one...when I shouldn't have.

I've always thought that I chose to stay away from people who no longer wanted me around for their sakes. I thought, it's okay if I feel hurt inside, it's okay to sacrifice my desire not to loose anyone if it's better for that person.

But for the first time, I feel like I'm "freeing myself up for something better."

And for the first time...I feel like everything's pointing me in the direction of love. It's an unusual, yet nostalgically cheerful feeling.

Losing what's precious to me, relationships, potentially wonderful memories, and even faith in what should be good. And knowing...accepting that some relationships will never go back to what they used to be. And that it's probably better this way. But also...somehow finding something new that is just differently as wonderful as what I lost.

I can still create wonderful memories, right? Even as I keep losing precious things...

I'm still allowed to find happiness, right? Even if it's just for a little while...

Because I like fire, damnit.

There's no other reason. Anyways, so I kinda came up with a different analogy for love (or getting too close to ppl in general). Not saying that it hasn't been stated before...but i haven't written in a while, and it just popped into my head (and because i'm too lazy to work on my personal story or do hw :P).

So. Fire. You don't get close enough, and you have no chance of staying warm. But you get too close, and you get burned. Like the hedgehog dilemma, you just gotta find that right distance. But the thing with the fire is, you gotta tend to it too. Put your time and energy into keeping the fire alive. Even if you get burned in the end.

Well, that was my cheesy, blatantly obvious analogy.

So I did one thing I didn't expect of myself. So...well...I guess I don't know What to expect.

And she still won't talk to me...even though I didn't do it...again all it does is question who my real friends are...if even the title "real friends" really matters in the end...

And that kinda ties into the analogy above. It's like quote goes (because I can't seem to really be inventive enough to come up with my own ideas) tho i can't quite remember it exactly...but something like:

"It was like I couldn't be close to more than one person at a time..."

Whenever I gain a relationship with someone new...an old one fades away.

When an old one fades away...it's not long until I have someone beside me.

And it's not like I plan these things.

I always believe that when someone discards me, it's my fault.

Or like a fault in me that I can't even fix...even tho I've been told it's not just me that experiences this...

So maybe this is God's way of taking care of me...

I want to jump in with you. But I've jumped way too many times...and only ended up losing what was special to me.

Even now...I know an end is coming. I even know when...

For as much as I can remember, I've always been willing, even happily, to sacrifice anything of my own for the happiness of someone else, especially if I care about that person.

I want to give it to you. Because you definitely deserve it. And whether I like it or not...I want to care about you.

For so long, I've been trying to get my head to win over my heart. Now that it is has...

I'm standing at the edge. And I'm scared to jump this time. I'm so so scared...

It's not because I'm still in love... (who knows anymore anyways...)

It's not because I don't trust you...

It's not because I feel I lack the ability to love someone properly..

It's not even because I believe that we weren't meant to be...

It's because those memories of loneliness...of making someone precious only to lose them...of being left behind...it's all still..

so very real....

but who knows...maybe love will take me by surprise...

maybe all i can do..is not give up hope...even if i end up crying...

surely i can do it. as long as i have a "you" beside me...

right?

"It's okay. It's just a smile."

When you gave me that look...

Despite my trembling hands..I just couldn't say no.

So I've been telling myself...prove your mother wrong...you Can be happy... show a real smile for once...

And it's what I wanted after all..

Right?

So. The hedgehog's dilemma. Ok, so were not hedgehogs. But it'd sure hell explain a lot about me.

Or maybe I'm just part hedgehog.

Even though I want to give others warmth, even tho I want that same warmth returned...I only end up hurting that person or getting hurt...if only I had enough inner strength..enough inner warmth so that I didn't need anyone else for that reason...

as long as i keep in mind that it's coming...i won't get hurt...

right?

"i never loved nobody truly...always one foot on the ground..."

"I'm a very plain person. Not cute at all."

I try to think about why a person might fall in love with me. Sure, there are a lot of little normal things that make me who I am. That with my physical body makes me different than someone else. Even twins are never exactly the same.

But maybe there isn't anything special or unique about me after all.

Apparently there's some special technique or a light that goes off in our head when our "survival of the fittest" button is triggered. But mine seems to have never gone off.

No matter what our relationship is like now, if I ever cared about a person...

Yappari, if we were in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean, and there was only one life-jacket, I would give it away.

If that person came to me, needing my help, I just can't turn them away.

I guess God forgot to put the lightbulb in my head that's connected to "survival of the fittest."

But if there is really is such a trick to discarding people when you sense the smallest bit of unsatisfaction or danger. A way to make me think that people are really indespensible. Then pray, tell, me how. Because I'm quite tired of this...

Perhaps it would even work with love. Maybe there is a way after all, to fall in love without getting hurt or hurting that person. Fooling yourself into caring, when you really...don't. Being able to run away without feeling any kind of guilt whatsoever.

Can it be done? Can you be in love with someone...hell, can you Love someone and really just drop them like a piece of broken technology?

It would explain why it's been done to me...wouldn't it...

Go self-preservation. Something I've never been able to do.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. And my weakness is, that I care too much. And our scars remind us, that the past is real. I tear my heart open, Just to feel."

"Just don't."

"Just don't try to get so close to her." Or something like that...

She didn't seem to understand that i don't know how else to have a relationship with someone.

Of course most people I don't keep close to me.

But even the one or two friends I consider myself close to...well...even with them I feel left out.

I feel like even with those relationships...there isn't much of anything.

Or maybe that's what friendship is supposed to be like.

Because above all else, we have to protect ourselves before others, right?

To survive.

Maybe he's right. Like I've heard so many times myself, and told so many others.. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Wanting love....but never having experienced it....

I feel like having love...and losing it...is so much more painful...

I guess some people aren't meant to find love.

And I guess some people aren't meant to be able to hold onto it. To ever find it again.

Again when I should be sleeping..

Wow...blogging twice in one day. I think that's a record.

All these thoughts of you...make me think I should continue with the story...but then there's always an excuse not to. Though I do want to get it done...soon...

As the days pass, I become more and more hesitant on whether I should do it or not. But then, I ask...what's left after that?

Maybe he is right. Maybe I am dramatic. Heh..of course I am. I think that's the female stereotype, after all..isn't it?

So why do we want the drama? Why do we love it so much?

I cannot say for everyone but...at least for me...maybe it's because, no one has shown any real interest in me...and to this day I question if I can't believe in what we had...if what we had turned out to be nothing at all..then what Can I believe in?

And thinking that becomes painful.

Empty.

Worthless.

I search for an answer to the question "Why?"

And when I don't find one...I suppose then, subconsciously, I make excuses...and create a reason.

Even if I'm changed. Even if I'm damaged.

But then I can say, I have found a reason.

To explain why I've been turned away. Rejected. Let down. Betrayed. Left behind. Replaced. And maybe even forgotten.

Is it worth it?

No.

But I've been reaching out for something to hold onto....only to find everything slip away...

This is the only thing that has always been there...

why...i wonder...

ever since i hit the age where grades actually mattered, they have...more than they would to many people. maybe even more than they should to me.

i know they shouldn't.

besides love, they've always been a huge reflection of my self-worth.

i don't have love.

i don't have grades.

and each day, i am learning more and more of what i am unable to and no longer able to do.

then what do i have?

...is there really a point?

何のために頑張るの？(y do i try so hard...?)
理由がある？(is there a reason?)
自分のために。。。ない。　（if it's for myself, then I guess there isn't.)

i know that there are many people who struggle each day, with the things that so easily bring me to tears.

some people can do fine without the approval or love of others.

i wish i could be that kind of person. with enough courage to stand alone.

but i am not.

there have been many times recently when i have been very happy...

and for all that my friends have done to give me that happiness, i can only say
i'm sorry.

but i must do what i can to feel something...anything other than this.... no matter what that is.

late..and can't sleep...

god I'm so tired...but I just can't sleep. i was thinking of writing more of the story...but i dont know if i have the energy...and so i guess a blog will have to suffice...

The movie was good...but it reminded me.

i guess i'm not the exception. i'm the rule. like the fifty bazillion of the rest of us.

if a guy wants to be with you, he'll do just about anything to make it happen.

if he wants to call you, he'll call you.

if he really loves you..he'll find some way to express it.

it's been almost a year...and i just can't get over it.

i've realized no matter who i'm with, no matter how nice he is....

i'm still in love.

but the above makes sense. and if those points are true...

then he isn't.

and i'll always be waiting...

even after i send the email...

even after i say...

どんなに辛いことがあっても、愛してくれて、本当にありがとう。やっぱり、今でも、私は君のことを愛してるから。待っているから。ずっと。

lol

so many random things...nothing really thoughtful.

my limbs are sore from dancing- forgot to stretch...haha (but i've almost got this dance down)

also, i wish there was more music like this...

i love interpreting dreams!

i'm also excited about teaching japanese ^_^

i'm so glad i've managed to wake without a hangover. win! :)

also, i love chillin naked in my room. is this the reason why i want a single? yes probably, lol.

today should be good. a fair amount of work, but it's not reading or writing a paper...good?

i'm thinking of writing a memoir (yes it's egotistical) of you and me...maybe. i think it could be interesting...who knows..lol. maybe an answer will come from it that i've been searching for.

yappari...maybe there Is no point in two ppl who are in love with someone else to get together...right?

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down...

I'm so anxious...so many distracting thoughts..i can't even begin to get motivated on hw...

my room seems to have such a dark aura in it...but i guess i always come back...

"I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me

Were you just kidding?
'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened, please tell me?

'cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always"

Despite the fact that we'd rather that the perfect love story is what falling in love is really like...I think, deep down, we like the other love stories more...the ones with a sad ending, a pitiful ending, or painful ending...

Because maybe that's what we're used to more. Exactly how many love stories are perfect? Do those even make us feel anything real at all?

A year ago, I might have believed in happily ever after. But now, I don't think so anymore. I'd have a hard time believing someone who said "I'm in love with you." If someone said "we'll be together forever." If someone said "i'll never leave you." If someone said "i'll never hurt you." And anything of the sort...

I used to scoff at why people would be so torn after getting broken up with. I didn't see what the big deal was. Because it happens more often than not, right? But it really does..change you.

Maybe tonight I'll do something wrong. On purpose...of course it scares me, but nothing else has been able to make me feel any sort of anything real...and then I ask...what do i live for? Is the rest of my life just going to be like this? I want to live. Even if I get hurt.

Sunshine and dreams...

I really....really miss you...

Even though I'll probably be late for class...

I felt like I wanted to write another post. And omg yes..this has now become a regular thing for two days in a row. Alert the press. :P

Anyways...apparently just thinking about you a little has made a huge effect on my subconscious. For I dreamed about you last night. Sadly, I cannot say it was a happy one, as they often aren't.

But what I remember is there was two aircraft fighters...or something.. One was shooting at the other. We were both on the ground, wondering where they had come from and hoping we wouldn't get hit. But either you didn't hide very well, or just had terrible luck.

I heard you scream before I saw the gory hole in your back.

As the aircraft fighter came in for another round, I threw myself over you to protect you, despite the fact that we were both in a panic over your wound. That would be the last time I did, for as the aircraft fighters continued to shoot at us, I cowered more than anything.

I managed to pull you away, and got you into a house where we met this woman. She washed your wounds and dressed them. And I stood there, glad you would be all right.

But upon writing this, I realized a few things.

Maybe I'm still in love.

In a perfect dream, I would've washed your wound myself.

In a perfect dream, I would've continued to protect you.

Maybe that, rather than my bad luck, is why love has been unable to find me. Because I'm that much of a coward...

On the other note, I know it's too much to ask of life to bring you back to me. I know it might not work out, even if it did. And somehow, it would be like my life was coming to a close. But I also know that I could be perfectly happy settling down with someone very sweet who loves me.

Even if I carry this sadness and these memories, even if a glimmer of my love for catches me off guard every now and then.

Maybe I just want to be happy with that someone very sweet after all.

But maybe it's not longer a question of whether it's possible. It can't all be because of my bad luck, right?

Maybe it's because I'm afraid to get hit to get hurt to protect someone I love.

Maybe it's because of me.

Maybe love has been searching for me the whole time but Can't find me.

Apples...

These ones would make particularly good bakes apples..or even apple pie. :)

It's late, and I didn't even really get what I wanted done today..despite more or less having all the time in the world to do it. Isn't that always the case...

I also wish I was tired and sleepy at the right times. Like now. Like not during class.

I don't find a lot about myself that's attractive or amusing...

But I found it interesting that I've started making little random thought/notes in the margins of my class notes. I bet those are what I'll really enjoy looking back on the most.

For instance, apparently, in psychology, when none of us were participating, my professor asked "what? you guys don't want to be memory theorists?" I suddenly jotted down the thought that asked, why are we always upset when someone shows a natural talent for something. Or turned the other way, why do we have to meet certain criteria to be trustworthy? This relates to the question in class because originally I thought. "well, shit. why would we? it's not like anyone would believe our theories, even if we had something interesting to say."

On the one end of the spectrum are we jealous of natural talent, because we want to believe we have the same worth, that we could accomplish something just as great? Are we jealous that we have to work so hard, while some people can just cruise through and come out on top?

Like for being a writer. What's with all these really rigid technicalities? When some of the best-selling authors out there write stories that seem no greater than the ones we create in workshop? Those authors that make many of the mistakes we, ourselves, try to weed out of our work?

Sadly, I have no smart-ass answers.

And so, onto the next bit of thought.

I think I've been fairly independent this semester, which was my goal. Sure, I've fallen into the love-trap a couple times...and it doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to my friends, when they've been there for me...truly, I'd never get very far without them.

There was one night, when i listened to your message. And suddenly, now, more than ever, what you and i had felt like a dream. Or like you died...or just disappeared- and that i really wouldn't ever see you again. That in this world, it would be...impossible. But while I was ever more aware of my heartbeat, I didn't cry. I shut my phone and fell asleep. And despite sometimes wondering how you are, if you're still as taken care of as when I left you, I'm happy to have even come this far emotionally. Even if "when I can't express anything, I can't say good-bye."

I admit that sometimes I wish that the curtain would rise. That God would say "surprise!" ANd my happy ending would finally come. There. Me, with all my friends. And with you. Smiling and laughing...but this dream is still lost within the one that continues.

But, considering, even thus far in the semester, all the ups and downs, with relationships of all kinds, with work, with academics...as of now..I think I'm doing okay. Maneuvering my way through them all, day by day, with, for the most part, a fairly balanced neutrality.

"Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future."

Maybe I'm still me after all....and maybe that's okay. :)

These tangerines taste great but...

they're just not very filling, huh....

"He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable


But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain..."

I don't particularly care for the melody much..and it's not like the lyrics are the best I've ever heard. But they remind us that we always think about how wonderful it'd be to have the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. Of course we want to be treated well...I mean it's not like we're masochists....

Right?

Well, at least this is the way I'd rather think about it. It's just these moments that define love. It's actually the moments of conflict and being able to come back together that really strengthen the bonds between two people. It's just that...it seems it's the moments of soft, gentle, seemingly perfect love that we remember. That we want to think that love is.

But now I'm reminded, even if it makes me feel what I never wanted to feel again: that I'm in love you.

Even more so, it reminds me of the crucial point I missed once before, and I missed again: no matter how perfect you might try to be..or how perfect the guy or girl who falls for you might seem, no matter how comfortable your relationship is...

It's not the love that makes us feel like we're alive.

Sometimes it's just not enough.

Goodmorning, headache

There is so much work to be done...and I seem to have little energy or motivation to do any of it. Maybe because none of it helps with what I'm faced with now.

I wonder why, in all of my dreams someone is either dying or closet to being dead. And always involve some kind of struggle and pursuit. I suppose my subconscious is a lot more in turmoil than I thought...

I don't know what to do about you, really. I had told myself before that I can't be around you, if I find myself constantly unhappy because of the complexities.

And yet, I still want to help you. Even though it's complex. Even though we are in love with different people. I still want to see you smile. Maybe because I failed at loving someone before, I don't want to this time.

But I'm sorry. I fluctuate too much with my emotions. It doesn't make for something solid to hold onto. But I can keep trying.

With all this unrequited love, I just want to smile and make good memories too. And I want to help you do that too. Maybe I'm just the kind of person who will do this...even if it exhausts me. I don't know why seeing someone else smile because of something I did makes me feel better than if I were to smile myself.

Maybe because my smiles are often hidden in sadness. It's seems like it's rare that something doesn't have a painful emotion attached to it anymore.

With all this work, I don't have a lot of energy left. I want to do things like go shopping with my best friend. I want to read a good book out in the sunshine feeling a gentle breeze. Sit by a tree in a full forest..and just listen to this music.

And I still want to be in the rain. I want to feel that feeling....like I can wash everything away. Like I can start over completely clean.

Ever since that day last semester...when I felt a change I could not describe...when I lost someone I loved because I had too much faith...the surrealistic dream began.

And it's not over.

To what then...do I hold onto?

Warm...

I realize I actually love the taste of healthy food. Like tangerines.

I also like the warm affect of alcohol...even if it Is more fun drinking with friends.

Today has been awfully weird. Ever since last night. It's like I've stumbled back all of a sudden..and I'm not quite sure where to step next.

What I remember most is that my friends told me I'd regret not taking the chance...but oh...I regret taking it now...

やっぱり、I should've taken my time with the gift I was making for you...because after thinking I was almost done, when I went back to fix it, with the particular materials I was using, I simply couldn't.

Thoughts began to bubble up inside, and tears began fall before I even realized I had grabbed the scissors. I cut and tore through what I had been so happy to work on just hours before, so eager to finish...wanting to give it to you so badly.

In that one instant I remember the line from the movie.

"I looked for the smallest star. The one far away from the rest. Still doing it's best to shine. Still asking, "Don't forget about me."

"Don't forget about me..."

Why am I trying so hard...I remember trying so hard to tear the gift apart...and yet, some parts I had crafted so well, they refused to give way to the blade. I only grew more frustrated. If I had tried so hard to craft this gift to become beautiful so that it would reflect my feelings...indeed- it still did.

My fingers trembled and I had been crying so hard, I my hands suddenly, felt heavy and dropped your gift. I was clouded with my own frustration, I hadn't even heard the quiet voice inside me plead.

"stop! Please... stop...don't destroy it!"

The gift was done in a race against time. I had lost. I had given up before time was up.

And then back into my bed and did what I do too often: crawl under the covers, shut my eyes continue to cry until falling asleep.

But I didn't sleep. I only continued to cry. And when it was time for class, I rolled out of bed, my head spinning.

All I could feel was how cold I was, down to my very toes.

"Enough. It's okay...God is asking me to work harder. It's not the right time. So it's fine...." I wanted to say.

And all I wanted to do was take a break. Lie out in the sun, listen to music. Maybe someone nice would take my hand. Take me to the place I so badly want to go...where I could breathe in fresh air....

Where he would wrap his arms around me...

Where he would keep me warm....

Because obviously I have not the energy...

Despite eating a chocolate croissant (wow i spelled that right) and drinking coke. I swear caffeine and sugar have no real effect on me anymore. Sad.

Anyways onto the more serious stuff. After all that's why I write these. To put down in words what I cannot say.

There's a lot going on that I don't want to admit. Many things that are probably wrong with me. Things I don't want to even bring into the light. All the better them. And seeing them is what would scare me. Can't I just be okay already?

But, here in this dream, I like talking to you. And being with you.

In the psychology textbook it gave an example. I don't remember the concept. Only the example. "The more you try to forget someone or not think about them, the more you you end up doing so."

And so I have a confession to make. My delusional state is getting to me. Every day I desperately try to picture your face when you're not here. But in my warped memories all I can see is him standing where you should be. Maybe that's why I was subconsciously attracted to you. Maybe subconsciously, I desperately wanted anything that made me feel connected to what I had lost. Maybe I've already been unfair to you.

Though fate may have brought us together...maybe it only did so to watch us fall apart...

Every day I live here, I feel like I'm in some kind of dream. Just watching myself pass through life with barely anything real to hold on to. But after thinking about how I've only been able to remember your face twice since getting to know you, I wonder if my feelings aren't even mine to control. If they're even real. If they're all part of the ghost of love past, that I want to forget. And all I can ask is why. Why don't even my memories seem to be mine?

I've been working on this gift for you. I want to give it to you as soon as possible. I feel like the process of making it is a race against time. I've messed up on it already, and start over...but the urge to give it to you as soon as possible makes it difficult to do so. But in the end, even if it takes longer, this is what you'll remember me by, so I'll probably want to perfect it. Of course, I want it to be something beautiful.

I've wanted to be close with you. But I'm frustrated. Why does something seem to be so wrong? Something I can't quite place my finger on. Why am I making excuses as to why we would never work out? Why do I so badly want to protect you from me, though I barely know you? I ask, would delving further into this dream only feed my disillusion? I almost feel like somehow I've seen what will come. And I'm so so scared. Like a nightmare I cannot remember, only to wake in a cold sweat, shaking, the shadows consuming me...

Sometimes you have to learn to live without someone. Sometimes you just have to. Okay, I've been learning. But now, in my frustration I only want to to scream at him

"I want it back! I want to be able to love someone new..."

It's times like these...when I can't speak of love as something beautiful. But this...this to me, is what real love is. No, it's not the same as true love. True love benefits Someone, even if that someone is not you. But real love...you don't see it until you've lost. Real love wraps itself around your very core. Flows into your head and down to your very finger tips. And it doesn't let go, no matter how much it may hurt. No matter how much you may cry. And all you can do is watch your world fall apart again and again in the memory you cannot forget. Every day, wishing for the impossible. Every night, trying to piece together some form of happiness.

Having once held love, why does life now seem like a reflection in a dessert puddle without it? I was happy once. Climbing the pine trees in my back yard. Rollerblading in the garage. Soft, hot pretzels at the mall. All of these things once made me happy. But no matter what I try, why is it so hard to be happy now? Why does everything seem so fleeting? Am I really broken into so many pieces that some are too small to be recovered...or too unique to be replaced?

I'm so ashamed to admit...sometimes I wonder how you are doing. If you think of me...even just a little. Am I really the only one of us, missing the person who once meant more than the life itself?

Will I have to see you again to find the answers? Will it bring peace? Or only make me relive what I cannot forget....

I know I cannot salvage happiness from memories of you. Because hope no longer lies in a future with you. Because I've realized such a future no longer exists. It hasn't since the day I began to feel real love. Back then...when I had too much faith.

But honestly...maybe it's better to fall. Maybe the ground won't hurt as much as I think it will. Or maybe...just maybe...true love will be there to catch me...

While in the shower...

first of all, if your mind is in the gutter, it'll be dissapointed. 'cause it's only full of rotting leaves, bugs and rainwater. moving on.

i realized i haven't written in a while...and obviously don't plan to start on writing here every day...suppose only when i feel like i have something to say. suppose that's the point :P

while in the shower, i realized that learning how to write a good story is similar to living life, although much is already provided for us. Scenes, characters, themes...and so on. But the plot is what gets really interesting. There are a few rules that pertain to things I've experienced lately and will more likely than not continue to experience.

One, if it doesn't make the story go forward, mystery or holding back information is useless. it doesn't create suspense, only confusion. and in life, wholly unfair and downright mean to the audience that is confused and deserves not only your trust, but your respect.

second, usually there are many right answers (actions, words, decisions, etc). but sometimes there's only one. one that feels "right" to you, even if you're unaware of said answer. if you so choose on being forceful, to Force the story to go in a direction you want, sometimes it can end up being the right thing to do. other times, you may get the ending you thought you want, but the characters end up unhappy, and/or the ending won't be right. sometimes, you just gotta let the story lead You.

third, you gotta give the story your all. be yourself, but be passionate about it. the more you give to story, of course the more painful it will be...but the more you'll get out of it and the more chances you'll have at being satisfied when the ending comes barreling towards you (most likely before you're ready).

there might be a lot left unsaid, a lot that should be in this entry that's not. but this, guys, is what i consider a short blog entry :P

guess this is good-bye

even though i wrote that email, now...while crying, i realize i'm the one who lost what was important. because you really didn't care after all.

i'm sorry i've caused you so much trouble. but it's over now. so i won't anymore.

it's time to finally clean you out of my life and cut me out of yours.

take care and good-bye, my first love.

Brief Memories

Even though there are so many memories, which I might even story tell later. Sitting on the park bench. Swinging on the swings. Sneaking out at night. Staying up until the sun rose. Getting ice cream. Riding in your truck. Practicing stick shift. Canoeing on the lake. Watching old movies. Walking your dog. Taking the train ride up to see you. Opening the door to see your face. Watching your car drive out of the driveway. All those skype video chat sessions. Not knowing you more than just your name and your face. Knowing you more about you than I would've liked to. Sleeping next to your warm body. Holding your hand. Cooking dinner with you. Waking up to find you already gone. Taking pictures. And videos. Playing games. Challenging each other to truth or dare. Clinging on to your arm when walking late at night. Taking visits to the school in the dark. Watching anime. Going to anime conventions. Seeing those paper cranes...Hearing you say I love you. Too embarrassed to say it back. Teasing you. Being teased. Sharing dreams. And story ideas. Drawings. Visiting your grandparents. Being yelled at by mom while you were there. Snow drifting outside the window while curled up safe and warm. Staying too late, when we know we should go. Going to the wedding. Watching you do the backflip to impress the small crowd. You, offering snacks. Blushing as you came to see me and my friend. Not letting you come between me and said friend. First dance, to make my then current crush jealous. Turning you down. First date at the movies. And Taco Bell. Giving you the heart shaped rock. The summer emails while you were in Maine. Making fun of you for liking step mania. Then becoming obsessed with it myself. First prom. And second. First break-up. And second. Moving into my college dorm with you helping. Having you be the only person, up until recently, to cry when watching you depart. Counting the steps you took. Tugging on your shirt, begging you to stay early that morning. Having you hand me your t-shirt. Wearing it down to shreds. Crying into that toy puppy you gave me. The treasure hunt for your sword. The joy I felt when getting my bow from you. The disappointment in not being able to use it. Worrying about you on your train rides. Fearing I wouldn't make it to you during mine. Yelling at you for falling asleep at 4 in the morning while chatting. Not wanting to end conversations. Wishing you a Merry Christmas. Getting all those valentines from you. Never taking up the chance to have you teach me blacksmithing. Forcing you to watch romance anime. And movies. Lying awake, looking around your familiar bedroom. With the picture of us on your cork board. Going to your family gatherings. Me being awkward there. Never having experienced such an event in such a long time with my own family. Watching you play. Sleep. Drive. Talk big about dreams. Watching you watch me as you lifeguard. Losing all the jewelry we gave each other. Countless necklaces and rings...The morning notes you left me. Mwa. and XOXO. Me suffering. Thinking I was so alone. You always being there anyway. Keeping me strong. Me fighting for you...running after you. Listening to you sing. Cringing. Humming you to sleep. Pushing your hand away. Watching sci-fi. Not admitting I liked it. Being poor, but happy. Living in a house surrounded with animals. Walking the hour walk up and down the hill to work. Countless shopping expeditions. All those nicknames. Never deciding on just one. Antonio's pizza. Trying to write a fic. Failing at the plot. Never taking the bow out once and practicing together. Fourth of July Fireworks. Plans to go to Maine. Never making it there. You being sick, and me pretending not to care, really, feeling scared...You telling me to donate blood. Being in the hospital, feeling so miserable and lonely. Shopping for groceries. Working in the yard. Berries in a bowl that one morning. Ducking to avoid your arm around me. Holding your cold hand in the winter. Coughing because of morning breath. Feeling your weight on me. Feeling too warm. Wishing I could feel it so bad. The mangas left as presents. The first, awkward kiss. Losing my cell at the anime convention. You buying a new one for me. Offering to make me a dress for a birthday present. The three things you'd want the most. A giant library, an astroid. And me never being able to remember the third. Me eating the gum out of your car. Singing along to the radio. You and your oldies. And books on tape. You and me...loving the dragon and the phoenix. Me not once, coming to see a wrestling match. Seeing you only once in a lax and soccer match. Me refusing to help with putting together the comforter. You telling really bad, dumb jokes. Me, laughing anyways. Me play-punching the side of your arm. Complaining about you not having shaved. You cringing, at me giving you a hair cut. Urging you to study Japanese. Both of us, equally worried about college. And future jobs. Your first house. Then moving to your second. Me moving, that cold winter. Getting snail mail in the metal mailbox. Your messy, illegible handwriting...sitting on the cold floor, deciding to be bf and gf...wanting the joy...not knowing the pain that was ahead of us...you paying for a lot of things for me...those tag sales. Picking up rusty rail road spikes. Having you curl up beside me, coming in from a cold, cold day. Laying out in the grass on that warm sunny day in your backyard. Sneaking up to bed, too late in the morning. Wondering what you're doing. If you think about me at all. Making fun of your clothes. Fixing my hair, as I step off the train. Almost getting run over, because you wanted that hug. Saying good-bye. You saying "we'll see each other again, don't worry." Not knowing that last time...might have been The last time. Wondering why, only after you're gone, has my love for you grown. As well as the pain that comes with it. Having dreams of you. Only to wake up and find you gone. Hoping, somewhere, deep in your heart, you still love me and are waiting for me. Looking out the window...hoping...trying so hard to visualize and hear your white truck...pulling into the driveway...not knowing how long I will feel this way. Hearing your name everywhere...seeing your face..everywhere...Life itself in all aspects, everything that makes up my world, reminding me of you...and knowing that, hurting, so much...

Sometimes...there might not be an answer

For a small while I believed I could love again. And receive love. But then I read that it's not fair to start another relationship with someone new when you still love that someone you shouldn't. I want to be loved. I want to be loved so much...is it really not okay while I still love him? I feel like no matter how much I try to cover it up or deny it, I'll always love him. I'd always be with him if he asked me to. Some people said you never get over your first love, if it was true love. Some say just put it behind you. But God knows, I've tried just about everything. I know it's silly to believe in "meant to be" and "the one." But no matter how much I try and force my heart to feel a certain way, or let go of certain feelings, it just doesn't. It always finds ways to create those feelings even when I don't think they're there. Perhaps...when school starts, I'll be able to give up for real. And maybe, I won't think about it anymore...maybe...

music...

I really like music that makes me feel peaceful. Sometimes that music is hard to find, but it's great to stumble upon it. This particular piece, I don't know the name of, but it makes me think of streaming sun rays blinking through the leaves of trees. Of wide open fields and flowers. A warm breeze carrying their light, sweet scent. Of the clouds, drifting by. The distant buzzing of insects.

I remember one dream of mine. Where I was standing alone. In my white karate uniform, with such a serious look on my face. One of hardened sadness. But ready to face the world, determined to protect my heart. Leaves glittered, swirling around me. The brightest, unnatural fall leaves shimmering in the background, still full on the trees. I don't know why I was there, but for some reason, I think it was supposed to like the one memory of me that would last.

Maybe, I want to give love to someone special so much. But I don't want to receive it from anyone but you. I often ask, why you? I can come up with so many reasons, yet
none of them last long enough not to come back to that question, as if it was never answered.

But maybe, this is how I'm supposed to picture you. Maybe it's best to picture you, as I always have. I don't know what to do with the stuff you gave me that I can't part with. But I wonder if I can find that ring...I kind of want to wear it on a chain, as a necklace. But maybe even that, is a bad idea. I want to hope it'll bring me comfort. But maybe it'll only act as a small bit of hope, and only leave me lonely. Who knows...maybe the Ai necklace? Heh...but what am I thinking...

I wonder if some day, you'll see this. I wonder what you'll be doing then. I wonder if I'll still be alive. I wonder if we'll have seen each other by then. Sometimes, there's still so much I feel I want to ask you. To talk to you about...but I know it would only cause trouble for you..and make me even more aware of the fact that you're not with me. At least like this, I can pretend on the surface, I haven't lost anything...

I wonder if you think about me...even just a little...

I wonder if you've found the happiness you've been looking for...even now, I would still do anything to protect that happiness, even if I'm not the reason for it. It's really the only reason I've stopped myself from calling..from trying to see you.

I hope you're not hiding anything to keep me from getting hurt...I truly hope you're okay.

unanswered question

After watching Koizora, his behavior was a lot like yours. And I also want to know. Why? Why are you acting so indifferent to me? Why are you avoiding me. You could see me if you wanted to. You could call me if you wanted to. It can't be just because I ask questions you can't answer, right?

I'm wonder if I'll regret giving up. If that life will pass by without ever seeing you again, and then me finding out we could have worked it out, but then having it really be too late. I can't imagine anything worse. I suppose that in love, we're always afraid of losing that person.

I suppose it really be up to fate if we meet again. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to see you. I wonder if you're scared too. I don't know how I'd act if I saw you. I don't know whether I would cry or smile or be barely able to even breathe. I wonder how you'd act too. I wonder if you'd already be settled down, or still free-floating. I wonder if I'd still be beautiful to you.

I can't be selfish and force you to choose either her or give me another chance. That, I know, isn't the answer either.

Still, the lyrics to this song really match what I feel. It's cold and dark outside and I'm tired of walking. I really wish you were beside me. Just to have your presence here would be wonderful. I want to believe that.

I wish I had been able to have a last kiss with you. I don't even remember if we hugged one last time. Maybe it was better though that we didn't act like it was a final good-bye. Maybe it was best that's how we remember each other. With words and a smile that said we'd meet again sometime soon.

I wonder if I'll continue to love you without thinking about it. I'd like to believe there's something special about a first love. I wonder why I'd still have these feelings, why I can't help but believe in them. Maybe I'm just disillusion.

I know I'm not very strong on my own. But I also believe that of course I could be happy with someone else. Even share a very peaceful or exciting love. If only I were to be so lucky as to have love find me. I wonder if I'd forget about you then, and these feelings would finally go away. I wonder if that's what I really want after all.

again

Again

I swore I'd never give up on this dream of trying to get my feelings to reach you. I've been told if you give up on the one thing that most important to you, you end up losing yourself. But, now I see, this is the one dream I'm not allowed to have. That it won't bring me the happiness. Only loneliness.

Every day, I search for proof and for a reason to live. And that it's okay for me to exist and be loved. So I'll take the tears that sparkle a light of their own. I'll gather them gently in my hands. I'll take the songs, full of memories and feelings in my heart, and sing them even more, even louder. And these will be my proof and my reasons.


Because of you, I think I've learned to love. Being together with you. And apart. Having experienced all this, I learned to love.

You have shown me you can move forward with the happiness you have found. So, even through the tears, I must do my best to smile too. To you, who has always continued to love me and give me courage. Who I hope to never forget, even as the memories start to fade away with my dream. I'll send off this dream with a smile. Maybe that, at least, will reach you some day. My hand will always be there for you, now and forever. All you'll have to do, is reach out.

If in the future, we meet, then surely it will mean we are ready to see each other again. If not, my heart can finally say it now. Thank you.

バイバイ！(Bye-bye!) ^_^

the last one?

I guess both of us are facing things we don't want to. Me realizing I'm not very strong on my own. And you having to think about answers to questions and statements that dig deeper than you really want them too.

I wonder if we'll ever be as close as we once were.

You tell me to move on, as if it were easy. But then again if it were the other way around and I was the one who had found someone who liked me just as much, I'd be saying the same thing to you right.

I just feel like something doesn't fit. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle...to why things changed so fast between us..or without me realizing it. I wonder if I'll ever find it.

"Today, finally the answer will come out. The thing that I need to ask. I'm going to hear it without running away. But when I hear it, I may change. So today's the last, for me to be "me". I bet today's the last time."

I can't help but often wonder why the people I get close to always leave me. Is it fate? I cry out for an answer, but the only reply is the endless echo of darkness."

I wish i could do that more than anything. just pack things away with a smile...because if i really had the ability to move on, I think I'd never need to see you again.

I almost feel like a child again. Like I don't know what to do. That I don't know what to believe in.

I often wonder if my feelings will ever reach you. Maybe they're not meant to. Maybe because I don't have the ability to love someone properly, I don't deserve to be loved in return.

ok, so i've decided! of course I'll be there for you in the future if you ever need or want me there, even though I know I shouldn't give you that option. But I guess I lied. I'm giving up trying to get you to love me. It really feels like I've lost the one thing I swore I would keep precious to me. This feeling of hope...and of loving you. hontou ni gomen!

If we meet again, then it will have to be fate. I've done all I can do. Until then, even though my jealous heart wants to be loved by you, and will always wish that, I will say, I hope you find the happiness you're looking for! Au toki made, sayounara!

yet another email

It's late and i should probably sleep. especially since i've been bumping into doors and walls lately. right now, i'm so tired i can barely stay awake. typing is difficult, lol. i also randomly started sweating like crazy too. must be really hot in here, lol. everything in my body is slowing down rapidly, pleading for rest, heh.

but i wanted to tell you some things before i forgot tomorrow. i like watching j-dramas. somehow they allow me to think about things in ways i wouldn't normally. (they also make me wish i had treasured the person who was important to me, even more) but, here's what i wanted to say.

i know i've said it many times, but i miss you. i miss feeling safe in your arms most of all. but i also miss hearing your voice . but i suppose you don't really want to talk to me that way. i understand now, forcing myself to stay away, because i don't want to bring you unhappiness by having me there. i know it doesn't matter, understanding, crying and all that. and i know it can't change anything. i guess i wonder why i say it at all.

but this is what i wanted to say most of all. i'm sorry i can't be a good friend now, that i can't be the kind of friend you want me to be. and maybe not in the future. i don't know. but as i said, if you ever need me to be by your side, i still love you...i always will...i know, because even after all this time, these feelings have only become stronger. dakara, if you ever need me to be, all you have to do is ask, and i would be by your side as fast as i can. that is one promise i believe i can keep. this promise, i truly truly believe in. so, please don't forget it. i don't feel it's right to ask others around you how you are doing, because i know that sometimes you hide it from other people too. i also don't think it's always good to rely on my intuition about how you're feeling, because while i can sometimes sense how you're doing, even if you don't say much, i know that as we drift farther apart, even if i sense things...i shouldn't do anything if you don't ask.

i realized today. why it hurts when you're gone, especially as time goes on. the me i am when i was with you, i really like that person i was. deep down, i didn't know, but i wasn't scared of losing just you. but that person i was with you. i suppose, i just wonder, if i can become that person again, if i were to see you again. it's funny, how in my memories of us, what i tend to remember is me smiling and laughing, and being strong, because i felt i could always have a place beside you. that i could always be special to you. being with you, knowing that i could hurt you and that you could hurt me is scary and painful. but not seeing you at all, is so much more painful and lonely.

"the you i see when i close my eyes has somehow helped me become stronger. i too, want to be like that for you."

i'm sorry. i wrote so much more than i meant to...it seems my mind is even slowing down now. oyasumi.

samaiko

ps. one more thing i forgot to say. often at night, i'll think really hard...or say outloud. "i miss you." or "i love you." i suppose, somehow i hope that you can hear me or feel it...or something...but maybe it's too much to hope for?

haha...y'd i write something like that...baka mitai...

one of many emails

And somehow, i guess i hope you'll read it, or at least i can sort out some thoughts anyways...

i miss having you to run to when i want to cry, because i really want to now. i miss having you wrap your arms around me, and stroke my hair. i miss hearing you whisper, saying you'll always be there. i miss feeling like i could always come back to you. like with you, there was always a place where i could be at peace and feel loved and have one person who cared, one person who would never be too busy. one person who would never leave me. and even when i didn't believe you, i miss you telling me that things would be okay. as i've said, there is only one thing i want from you now. it's not even love. it's time. but no matter what i do, no matter how much i cry, or express my loneliness, you seem so unaffected. but i guess i would be too, if i had the opportunity at a new and better relationship. but even now, when i need it the most, it seems like time with you is the one thing i'll never have.

tho now that i think about it, i do remember thinking, i'd rather be the one who is rejected by the one i love, rather than reject the one who loves me, because i'd rather be the one who gets hurt rather than be the one who hurts another. i wonder if i've always been this way. so i guess it's better this way..tho i guess that kinda makes me pitifully vulnerable as a person... :( i know there's something in me that hurts you. so it's okay this way, right? maybe even if you don't get around to seeing me, even if you intend to someday. maybe the best way to protect your happiness and you is to stay away, if that's how it works out.

still...i've been wishing that...maybe someday we can go somewhere, just the two of us. some place really beautiful. somewhere where we can see the forest, and mountains, and a creek or river. some place with lots of butterflies. some place with a huge field of wildflowers. where the sun is bright and warm. some place where i can see you laugh and smile, as if we had just met. as if we had never hurt each other. some place we can shout to the endless sky all our wishes, our dreams. some place where i can feel a gentle breeze and smile, happy to simply be alive with you beside me. some place where we can just lie next to each other, as if we had all the time in the world, and just have each other's company be enough to say we want nothing more. just imagining such an experience with you makes me feel like i can hope to see you again. it would be great, wouldn't it? to be, at least for a short while like we were special to each other again? to me, i would i treasure such moments forever. such an experience would truly be wonderful, and somehow i feel like i'd be alive again. thanks for listening, somehow i feel like i just experienced a memory that never happened. now, at least, my tears feel peaceful. and i'ts more like i can say "i'll see you again!" rather than an painful good-bye that leaves me feeling empty and left behind. even if seeing you again, is in this memory, this place i've created for myself, where you're there. and where i'm once again, the most special person to you. because in this place at least, you haven't changed. your feelings haven't changed. and in this way, i really feel like i'm still loved by you.

thank you. hontou ni.

samaiko

the start of my other blog...

All my life, I've written countless of pages. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep a diary. If anything, the one thing I've always been able to write about is love. So this will be a new kind of journal. Also, I will apologize for the random sentences in broken Japanese (it's just a part of me that I feel lets me express myself better). Here, I will try and remember everything about you that I can and write down all the memories I have of you. There's always so much in me, so much that I want to say to you, so many things I can't bring myself to...but my hope is that one day I will have all this written down. So that I will not forget you. And I will have proof that love existed in my world. And that I existed. I believe we write to either touch the hearts of others or to desperately show that we existed and to give us some hope for the future. Maybe these attempts are made of all those feelings and desires. If anyone does read this, I hope that you will be able to cry, laugh, and relate. We all think that our own stories are vastly different than another person's. But really, I think maybe all we want sometimes, is to know that someone else understands. And that we are not alone in our struggles as we grow. As we ask why we fell in love, why we lose that which is precious to us, and finding our own reasons to live on. Finding the strength that is in us. Learning that we become wonderful people when our lives join with another. When another's heart touches us and binds us with the intricate threads of life and fate. But also finding the strength to retain the sense of "me", even when we find ourselves alone, blindly stumbling through the darkness our feet searching for the path, our hands flailing, desperately trying to find something to hold onto.

not much...

today...not much... :/

I Think I Understand...

At least a little bit more. I think it's possible to love two people at once. Because we can love them for different reasons. Even though I still believe I love you in some way, I think I'm ready to fall in love again. It's as if I never fell in love, and I still have that beautiful image of loving and being loved, like I did when I was young.

Even though I still have that small feeling that something's not quite right with how you're acting...well you asked me to move on. So the least I can do for you is what you ask me to. I know I'd want you to do the same for me. And when I start to miss you again, if I can think about what it would be like to find another, who is equally as wonderful as you were, somehow it makes the hurting go away, at least for the time being.

"I'm standing at the door to a new world. When I close my eyes I see you. How strong has that made me? I hope I can be the same for you."

This song, too, is beautiful in its own way.

Somehow, though, even if I can convince myself I'm moving on and fine, at least consciously, subconsciously a part of me must know that is not so...or so my dreams tell me...

But it's fine, as long as I can be all right, while I'm up and doing things and living life, right?

I don't know

I hate feeling like I can't do anything for my friends.

I hate not being loved by the one person I care about the most anymore.

I hate calling out ofr help and not being heard. And I hate being scared to call out in the first place.

I hate all these feelings inside...But most of all, I hate the emptiness.

It's not that I'm not grateful for what you have done. I am happy to have lived a life where
you were there. And I'm happy for everything you've given me.

If I do die...I wish that I could become a guardian angel. So that I can be all that I never was in this life. So I can do more than I ever could in this life, for those who I love.

So I can protect you. And be by your side.

Forever.

I just dont know...

"Maybe if we both lived in a different world..."

All I want to say. All I cannot.

All I want to feel. And all I cannot.

In this world, the decision is not for me to decide.

I can't believe this is happening...

Before yesterday, it was only a thought in my head. And now it's become true.

I believe...that you could come to love anyone you like.

I just hope this doesn't become a deadly game.

Still, I'll always be praying for your happiness...

Hmm...

I duno..I want to do it..but somehow I just don't know what's holding me back...

If you can't go back, but don't want to go forward what's left? :/

In any case, I'm sleepy and can't study anymore. Time to for bed :)

I feel like it should rain...

or something...again I dreamed about you. I wish these feelings would let me go...so much.

"The music from our childhood
faintly echoes in the background
The memories I hopeless try to remember

The faint scent of tears
on my rain soaked cheeks
That warm look
on your face
I miss it so much..."

Tired.

Not looking forward to a weekend without you. But still hoping for unexpected fun-ness.

I know I should shower and go to bed..I feel so tired...but I probably won't for a while...

I'm trying not to think of the dreams last night...so full of awful feelings... :(

Don't know if I'm ready for this...

I'd really like to start something new. Stupid heart.

Even if I want it, I still believe it's immoral to change a person's heart using such tricks.

And counseling appointments feel like such a waste of time...*sigh*

I'm looking at a weekend of work and probably loneliness.

Who knows though? Maybe it'll work out and something unexpectedly fun will happen...

Sleepy...

With nothing much to say.

I like how things are now.

I'm, for the most part, really enjoying life. In some ways I wish it would never change.

And I wish I could believe. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't forget.

More Randomness

So I'm at home, pretty much just chilling. Being reminded why I both hate and like home life...but at least friends are here this time. I don't really think I have the capacity to read another chapter, but probably should since they're working too.

And as usual, I'm still frustrated about you...

But I guess it's good no one knows, reads, or cares that I have this blog. It really is like a safe place for me...

Ugh..Dreams

Maybe A Place to Return To is just a place I only want to go to when I feel this way. Distressed, upset, frustrated, lonely...

I had a dream last night. It was about a painting and poem I did and shared with the class only to have it criticized..and when I couldn't take it anymore, so racked with tears and despair the teacher shouted at me over and over again "What's wrong with you?" Like a parent berating his chid...

But then something lovely happened. I found a miniature kind of phoenix looking bird. It looked like the decorative version I bought once. It was fluffy and too cute, and I fed it an apple I found. And then I found myself surrounded by friends. It was just..too sweet.

I'd been thinking about what to do with you..and just, I don't know. I don't know if that's why I don't want to see anyone today, or if it's being physically sore from too much exertion. I've been tired and sick after hanging out with people so far..Maybe I just want a real break. Not see anyone, just be in my dorm alone...Maybe work on my dress..and I think I'd want her there.

I feel like I've been disappointed this break, granted, though that I know I'm one to try and want to only do things I want to do, but having a hard time declining the wishes of others, especially when they're my friends...

I guess I am just selfish after all..Like in my dream, I do like friends..but maybe I just need some time to by myself, even if it's really...lonely...

It's 4 AM...

I'm sick and tired...but I can't sleep for whatever reason. I'm either too hot or too cold and just end up thinking too much...

So here I am, playing Pet Society on Facebook, listening to a love song, running the daily virus scans I forgot to do yesterday, the usual....wishing someone was here for me...

Heh..speak of the devil..

(two secs later)...well that didn't last long...I guess...

As Spring Break Draws Near

It seems I didn't do too terribly on my exams.

I am trying to find the balance between being too attached to someone.

I realized I suck at both painting and writing poetry.

Everytime it hurts.

And I think about the dream I had...where I didn't want to forget you so badly I cried.

Nothing New really...so random thoughts

So I'm sitting here cold...dreading my Japanese exam, but knowing there's not much I can do about it, having studied quite a bit already...I just have to pray a lot and hope I guess.

I'm really frustrated that I've been failing lately at painting and writing poetry...I really thought being creative was something that came natural and easy..but maybe I'm wrong.

I'm also frustrated that all the classes I want to take next year are at the same time..I really don't know what I'm going to do. Lay out index cards in a giant schedule and throw together something that works I suppose. Oh choices...such a hard thing to do.

I just realized that no guy would probably ever be interested me. And sadly I realized today, while I like the idea of being in love and in a relationship, I'm just not genuinely interested.

I just wonder if he feels the same way. I doubt he'll be able to hold out for long, seeing as he's a guy with biological desires stronger than mine by nature. But I suppose at this point I'm so tired of it, maybe I should have a little faith in him after all...Ugh. I wonder why I'm even bothering to hope sometimes though..

These Feelings

The dream last night, this song, and everything else...it's telling me I'm scared to want it, but I want it nonetheless. I want to love and be loved in return. I just wish it was with you...but I just don't see how it could possibly just suddenly happen...and it's not like we can go back to how we were before. It feels like I'll only be able to see it as a memory. I guess I can only pray I won't succumb to my weakness and fall for someone else...not that the chance has ever happened before anyways...Maybe I just like the idea of being in love, but either way it's hard to ignore how I feel... :(

Being Okay

Sometimes I wish people wouldn't lie about being okay, even though I know I do it too...still it frustrates me.

I'm currently waiting for a friend to finish dying her hair so we can play with make up and looking pretty :) I still don't know if I want to go to the formal or not, but I wouldn't mind not to be honest; after all they're not really my thing.

I've had a fairly good weekend so far, surprisingly, and it's only Saturday night ^_^. Though there's a lot on my mind, anime I want to watch with my friend, sleep, the pain between my legs, spring break and seeing my family, exams...but I'm sure it'll all work out somehow.

Remembering to pray is hard, especially since I do always do it before sleeping. I guess simply keeping faith in things is hard to do, but somehow having something to hold onto makes it better...

Random Thoughts

Hi again! Again, I should probably be studying for my Japanese test..but well, I think I'll be okay as it is. :)

I really hope to go to both dances this weekend, but of course, we know that the most fun is being excited about it and dressing up and hanging out with our girl friends ^_^ Semi on that note, I wish I hadn't signed up to work tomorrow, and I'm having a moral dilemma...

I'm so sleepy...Apparently I'm having trouble distinguishing between dreaming at night and reality. My subconsciousness is very very good...

Well, I hope I'll get to see lots of people this weekend and that it'll be as fun as I'm hoping! :D

A Title

And while I should be doing my homework, I am instead blogging...yes blogging. That which I have not done since high school. It took me forever and a day to figure out what I should call my blog and what the url should be. For some reason I kept thinking of titles that sounded like they belong in a song, or...something. But in the end, I suppose "Kaeru basho- A Place to Return To" fit perfectly, as that was what my other blogs became. A place for my thoughts (though generally dark as they are), someplace I can just talk...when friends are busy...

I'm torn between letting people know about it, and not. The part of me that begs attention, that wants to be reassured I have friends who care, wants to tell. But I wonder just how much freedom I can have with what I write, if I do. I suppose we'll see.

Though this is a trivial thing, maybe it'll be good for me- that is, if I can keep it up and actually post more than once a day.

And of course...I will try and mix in some good happenings of my life as well :)