Day 15 I guess

I hate dreams are that are so emotional that I wake up far more tired than when I went to bed. Not so much fun.

I dreamed that you confessed you liked another girl, chuu-chan. I was stunned. Then depressed. Then angry. Then hurt. Or maybe all of those at once. Tho it's silly 'cause...well, I've been in that situation with you before, and well...will probably have to face it again in the near-future. The first thing I thought when I woke up was that I was glad it was just a dream and that I was probably in love with you after all.

But I also remember now why I was never sure.

Then is it just that I'm so easily jealous? Am I just the jealous type?

"The same things that brought us together will eventually tear us apart." That line still comes back. You and I really really want to be loved. So we'd probably take anyone who's decent in all aspects. I don't know what to do.

I miss you. I really wish I could've done something wonderful for your birthday.

god only knows what day it is...i'll figure it out later.

so tired right now from the emotional stress lately and lack of sleepy i'm dizzy...

i wrote some lyrics lately. then just comes the hard part- a melody and an instrumental.
i might suck 'cause i can't sound as good as other people.
but at least then, these will be my own. and i dont have to try so hard to sound like someone i can't.

i was trying to think how i can get more hits. that's the only feedback i've gotten on my singing videos. it'll be a lot of effort...and time i dont really have.

speaking of which, work on sunday? you've got to be kidding me....but i should've figured as much.

today i crashed the car. and probably the only way we could've seen each other this summer. for that i'm sorry beyond words, chuu-chan.

i guess i've really given up on you. i get it now. i really do. i'd be fine if i never heard from you again d-kun.

Day 10. i guess

not much to say. i've been failing lately at the whole blogging thing. been too tired..

i didn't fall asleep at work today. but it was still long. hopefully it can be bearable enough. today was okay.

romantic movies are cute. it surprises me which ones i expect to be just plain silly, that even they turn out to offer an interesting, surprising thought.

d-kun was on fb today. that means he had to have checked his email. and he still hasn't responded. i guess he really just doesn't care. i wont' pretend like my heart didn't leap to see him on, if even just a little bit.

chuu-chan, i hope we can always be close. if there's you, then i feel like things might be okay after all. sometimes i really do hope u had fallen in love. or could. but that's a lot to wish for. and even then i can't be sure it'd make me happy.

but even just being this close, well...i don't feel so alone. sometimes...like i could move on.

Day....? 7

"Why is she Still sleeping??"

And that's why I want my own place, my own life. So that on a holiday I can fuckin sleep as long as I want.

Work starts tomorrow...one of the most stressful, deadline-run job I've ever taken. Well- I know what I Don't want to do as a permanent job. Are you surprised? I just hope I don't fuck up too majorly or too much this time.

Still waiting to hear back from the English teaching company. Let me go, please...

Well- posted a few songs last night. Better now than never, I just hope it goes well. As long as I have this dream, then I can feel like I'm passionately doing something with my life.

I'd like to celebrate your birthday with you. But I guess I'll have to settle with sending a present maybe, and a phone call. After all...if you don't put in the effort...if you don't want it enough, why should I.

Right?

day 6,

point pleasant beach huh...? interesting

scents- tobacco smoke, alchohol, and grease. bitter...

very much like a fair tho, which made me excited, even if i hid it well.

thanks for the piggy- even if he is odd looking.

i wish we had more time there tho.

driving in the dark is scary. it's like being blind. im a pretty fuckin lucky driver not to have died yet.

i wish u had grabbed my hand after all. and i liked the kiss.

why am i so obsessed over the things i can't or shouldn't have? am i just selfish?

Day 5..i think

stardust was cliche, but cute. hadn't seen a fantasy in a while. and it's nice to see men with swords, dressed up as "farmboys." lol, brings back the princess bride and all my days of childhood books.

haven't heard back from d-kun yet...i guess its just as well. i'm sure he's "busy." i dont know what to think of that passion in my heart. maybe it's love...maybe it's jealousy and longing. who knows...its all for nothing anyways.

gonna see you, chuu-chan tomorrow. should be good, provided i dont get lost. i wonder if we'd slip into our couple selves too easily...i really dont know.

but you're not in love with me. you're still looking. which i suppose is good.

so i guess i'm not in love with you either.

Day 4? I think

Already it seems I'm not doing so well at keeping up this blog. Between chatting with Chuu-chan, and my new netflix subscription, it seems I keep forgetting. But I will try harder! I'm also excited about going to see Chuu-chan. Even if we're not technically together, I'm sure it will be fun- although I really wanted to go on the beach. Oh well..maybe another time.

What unexpected support from the one world girls. Unfortunately all I hear is "JET, JET, JET..." and it only reminds me that I failed... :(

I hope that I get that job in Japan even if it's not with a company nearly as good or trustworthy as JET. I really don't mind. I really just want to get there....I'm eager and I can't contain it. I want to see what I'm capable of, and I want to start my adventure. I'm nervous and terribly scared, but I so want to go anyways.

So I guess I need a different code-name for the other one. D-kun will work I suppose. I chatted with him for a little bit. I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel for either one. But it seems he really doesn't want to see me after all. He says he will...but he doesn't seem to express that desire really.

I wonder if I'll always be saying this.

"Do you know the person who had to let you go, as they clutched their heart? That person is me. We had loved each other, but we're separating now. Although we're under the same sky at different places, please do not forget me."

You say that you still care about me...but all I can hear in my own head is "嘘ばかり。。。”

If he doesn't love me, then i shouldn't be putting so much effort into, right?

I still have that dream of becoming a j-pop star...but then I wonder if it's really possible. I haven't even gotten a chance to record for fear of being yelled at for being loud. I might try the barn...and I still know that even if I want to sing..if I don't feel it in my heart, then it's no good...

Well, at least it's cooler down here, even if that means being around people...guess I'll see what I can find to eat...