music...

I really like music that makes me feel peaceful. Sometimes that music is hard to find, but it's great to stumble upon it. This particular piece, I don't know the name of, but it makes me think of streaming sun rays blinking through the leaves of trees. Of wide open fields and flowers. A warm breeze carrying their light, sweet scent. Of the clouds, drifting by. The distant buzzing of insects.

I remember one dream of mine. Where I was standing alone. In my white karate uniform, with such a serious look on my face. One of hardened sadness. But ready to face the world, determined to protect my heart. Leaves glittered, swirling around me. The brightest, unnatural fall leaves shimmering in the background, still full on the trees. I don't know why I was there, but for some reason, I think it was supposed to like the one memory of me that would last.

Maybe, I want to give love to someone special so much. But I don't want to receive it from anyone but you. I often ask, why you? I can come up with so many reasons, yet
none of them last long enough not to come back to that question, as if it was never answered.

But maybe, this is how I'm supposed to picture you. Maybe it's best to picture you, as I always have. I don't know what to do with the stuff you gave me that I can't part with. But I wonder if I can find that ring...I kind of want to wear it on a chain, as a necklace. But maybe even that, is a bad idea. I want to hope it'll bring me comfort. But maybe it'll only act as a small bit of hope, and only leave me lonely. Who knows...maybe the Ai necklace? Heh...but what am I thinking...

I wonder if some day, you'll see this. I wonder what you'll be doing then. I wonder if I'll still be alive. I wonder if we'll have seen each other by then. Sometimes, there's still so much I feel I want to ask you. To talk to you about...but I know it would only cause trouble for you..and make me even more aware of the fact that you're not with me. At least like this, I can pretend on the surface, I haven't lost anything...

I wonder if you think about me...even just a little...

I wonder if you've found the happiness you've been looking for...even now, I would still do anything to protect that happiness, even if I'm not the reason for it. It's really the only reason I've stopped myself from calling..from trying to see you.

I hope you're not hiding anything to keep me from getting hurt...I truly hope you're okay.