why...i wonder...

ever since i hit the age where grades actually mattered, they have...more than they would to many people. maybe even more than they should to me.

i know they shouldn't.

besides love, they've always been a huge reflection of my self-worth.

i don't have love.

i don't have grades.

and each day, i am learning more and more of what i am unable to and no longer able to do.

then what do i have?

...is there really a point?

何のために頑張るの？(y do i try so hard...?)
理由がある？(is there a reason?)
自分のために。。。ない。　（if it's for myself, then I guess there isn't.)

i know that there are many people who struggle each day, with the things that so easily bring me to tears.

some people can do fine without the approval or love of others.

i wish i could be that kind of person. with enough courage to stand alone.

but i am not.

there have been many times recently when i have been very happy...

and for all that my friends have done to give me that happiness, i can only say
i'm sorry.

but i must do what i can to feel something...anything other than this.... no matter what that is.