Apples...

These ones would make particularly good bakes apples..or even apple pie. :)

It's late, and I didn't even really get what I wanted done today..despite more or less having all the time in the world to do it. Isn't that always the case...

I also wish I was tired and sleepy at the right times. Like now. Like not during class.

I don't find a lot about myself that's attractive or amusing...

But I found it interesting that I've started making little random thought/notes in the margins of my class notes. I bet those are what I'll really enjoy looking back on the most.

For instance, apparently, in psychology, when none of us were participating, my professor asked "what? you guys don't want to be memory theorists?" I suddenly jotted down the thought that asked, why are we always upset when someone shows a natural talent for something. Or turned the other way, why do we have to meet certain criteria to be trustworthy? This relates to the question in class because originally I thought. "well, shit. why would we? it's not like anyone would believe our theories, even if we had something interesting to say."

On the one end of the spectrum are we jealous of natural talent, because we want to believe we have the same worth, that we could accomplish something just as great? Are we jealous that we have to work so hard, while some people can just cruise through and come out on top?

Like for being a writer. What's with all these really rigid technicalities? When some of the best-selling authors out there write stories that seem no greater than the ones we create in workshop? Those authors that make many of the mistakes we, ourselves, try to weed out of our work?

Sadly, I have no smart-ass answers.

And so, onto the next bit of thought.

I think I've been fairly independent this semester, which was my goal. Sure, I've fallen into the love-trap a couple times...and it doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to my friends, when they've been there for me...truly, I'd never get very far without them.

There was one night, when i listened to your message. And suddenly, now, more than ever, what you and i had felt like a dream. Or like you died...or just disappeared- and that i really wouldn't ever see you again. That in this world, it would be...impossible. But while I was ever more aware of my heartbeat, I didn't cry. I shut my phone and fell asleep. And despite sometimes wondering how you are, if you're still as taken care of as when I left you, I'm happy to have even come this far emotionally. Even if "when I can't express anything, I can't say good-bye."

I admit that sometimes I wish that the curtain would rise. That God would say "surprise!" ANd my happy ending would finally come. There. Me, with all my friends. And with you. Smiling and laughing...but this dream is still lost within the one that continues.

But, considering, even thus far in the semester, all the ups and downs, with relationships of all kinds, with work, with academics...as of now..I think I'm doing okay. Maneuvering my way through them all, day by day, with, for the most part, a fairly balanced neutrality.

"Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future."

Maybe I'm still me after all....and maybe that's okay. :)