Because obviously I have not the energy...

Despite eating a chocolate croissant (wow i spelled that right) and drinking coke. I swear caffeine and sugar have no real effect on me anymore. Sad.

Anyways onto the more serious stuff. After all that's why I write these. To put down in words what I cannot say.

There's a lot going on that I don't want to admit. Many things that are probably wrong with me. Things I don't want to even bring into the light. All the better them. And seeing them is what would scare me. Can't I just be okay already?

But, here in this dream, I like talking to you. And being with you.

In the psychology textbook it gave an example. I don't remember the concept. Only the example. "The more you try to forget someone or not think about them, the more you you end up doing so."

And so I have a confession to make. My delusional state is getting to me. Every day I desperately try to picture your face when you're not here. But in my warped memories all I can see is him standing where you should be. Maybe that's why I was subconsciously attracted to you. Maybe subconsciously, I desperately wanted anything that made me feel connected to what I had lost. Maybe I've already been unfair to you.

Though fate may have brought us together...maybe it only did so to watch us fall apart...

Every day I live here, I feel like I'm in some kind of dream. Just watching myself pass through life with barely anything real to hold on to. But after thinking about how I've only been able to remember your face twice since getting to know you, I wonder if my feelings aren't even mine to control. If they're even real. If they're all part of the ghost of love past, that I want to forget. And all I can ask is why. Why don't even my memories seem to be mine?

I've been working on this gift for you. I want to give it to you as soon as possible. I feel like the process of making it is a race against time. I've messed up on it already, and start over...but the urge to give it to you as soon as possible makes it difficult to do so. But in the end, even if it takes longer, this is what you'll remember me by, so I'll probably want to perfect it. Of course, I want it to be something beautiful.

I've wanted to be close with you. But I'm frustrated. Why does something seem to be so wrong? Something I can't quite place my finger on. Why am I making excuses as to why we would never work out? Why do I so badly want to protect you from me, though I barely know you? I ask, would delving further into this dream only feed my disillusion? I almost feel like somehow I've seen what will come. And I'm so so scared. Like a nightmare I cannot remember, only to wake in a cold sweat, shaking, the shadows consuming me...

Sometimes you have to learn to live without someone. Sometimes you just have to. Okay, I've been learning. But now, in my frustration I only want to to scream at him

"I want it back! I want to be able to love someone new..."

It's times like these...when I can't speak of love as something beautiful. But this...this to me, is what real love is. No, it's not the same as true love. True love benefits Someone, even if that someone is not you. But real love...you don't see it until you've lost. Real love wraps itself around your very core. Flows into your head and down to your very finger tips. And it doesn't let go, no matter how much it may hurt. No matter how much you may cry. And all you can do is watch your world fall apart again and again in the memory you cannot forget. Every day, wishing for the impossible. Every night, trying to piece together some form of happiness.

Having once held love, why does life now seem like a reflection in a dessert puddle without it? I was happy once. Climbing the pine trees in my back yard. Rollerblading in the garage. Soft, hot pretzels at the mall. All of these things once made me happy. But no matter what I try, why is it so hard to be happy now? Why does everything seem so fleeting? Am I really broken into so many pieces that some are too small to be recovered...or too unique to be replaced?

I'm so ashamed to admit...sometimes I wonder how you are doing. If you think of me...even just a little. Am I really the only one of us, missing the person who once meant more than the life itself?

Will I have to see you again to find the answers? Will it bring peace? Or only make me relive what I cannot forget....

I know I cannot salvage happiness from memories of you. Because hope no longer lies in a future with you. Because I've realized such a future no longer exists. It hasn't since the day I began to feel real love. Back then...when I had too much faith.

But honestly...maybe it's better to fall. Maybe the ground won't hurt as much as I think it will. Or maybe...just maybe...true love will be there to catch me...