one of many emails

And somehow, i guess i hope you'll read it, or at least i can sort out some thoughts anyways...

i miss having you to run to when i want to cry, because i really want to now. i miss having you wrap your arms around me, and stroke my hair. i miss hearing you whisper, saying you'll always be there. i miss feeling like i could always come back to you. like with you, there was always a place where i could be at peace and feel loved and have one person who cared, one person who would never be too busy. one person who would never leave me. and even when i didn't believe you, i miss you telling me that things would be okay. as i've said, there is only one thing i want from you now. it's not even love. it's time. but no matter what i do, no matter how much i cry, or express my loneliness, you seem so unaffected. but i guess i would be too, if i had the opportunity at a new and better relationship. but even now, when i need it the most, it seems like time with you is the one thing i'll never have.

tho now that i think about it, i do remember thinking, i'd rather be the one who is rejected by the one i love, rather than reject the one who loves me, because i'd rather be the one who gets hurt rather than be the one who hurts another. i wonder if i've always been this way. so i guess it's better this way..tho i guess that kinda makes me pitifully vulnerable as a person... :( i know there's something in me that hurts you. so it's okay this way, right? maybe even if you don't get around to seeing me, even if you intend to someday. maybe the best way to protect your happiness and you is to stay away, if that's how it works out.

still...i've been wishing that...maybe someday we can go somewhere, just the two of us. some place really beautiful. somewhere where we can see the forest, and mountains, and a creek or river. some place with lots of butterflies. some place with a huge field of wildflowers. where the sun is bright and warm. some place where i can see you laugh and smile, as if we had just met. as if we had never hurt each other. some place we can shout to the endless sky all our wishes, our dreams. some place where i can feel a gentle breeze and smile, happy to simply be alive with you beside me. some place where we can just lie next to each other, as if we had all the time in the world, and just have each other's company be enough to say we want nothing more. just imagining such an experience with you makes me feel like i can hope to see you again. it would be great, wouldn't it? to be, at least for a short while like we were special to each other again? to me, i would i treasure such moments forever. such an experience would truly be wonderful, and somehow i feel like i'd be alive again. thanks for listening, somehow i feel like i just experienced a memory that never happened. now, at least, my tears feel peaceful. and i'ts more like i can say "i'll see you again!" rather than an painful good-bye that leaves me feeling empty and left behind. even if seeing you again, is in this memory, this place i've created for myself, where you're there. and where i'm once again, the most special person to you. because in this place at least, you haven't changed. your feelings haven't changed. and in this way, i really feel like i'm still loved by you.

thank you. hontou ni.

samaiko