yet another email

It's late and i should probably sleep. especially since i've been bumping into doors and walls lately. right now, i'm so tired i can barely stay awake. typing is difficult, lol. i also randomly started sweating like crazy too. must be really hot in here, lol. everything in my body is slowing down rapidly, pleading for rest, heh.

but i wanted to tell you some things before i forgot tomorrow. i like watching j-dramas. somehow they allow me to think about things in ways i wouldn't normally. (they also make me wish i had treasured the person who was important to me, even more) but, here's what i wanted to say.

i know i've said it many times, but i miss you. i miss feeling safe in your arms most of all. but i also miss hearing your voice . but i suppose you don't really want to talk to me that way. i understand now, forcing myself to stay away, because i don't want to bring you unhappiness by having me there. i know it doesn't matter, understanding, crying and all that. and i know it can't change anything. i guess i wonder why i say it at all.

but this is what i wanted to say most of all. i'm sorry i can't be a good friend now, that i can't be the kind of friend you want me to be. and maybe not in the future. i don't know. but as i said, if you ever need me to be by your side, i still love you...i always will...i know, because even after all this time, these feelings have only become stronger. dakara, if you ever need me to be, all you have to do is ask, and i would be by your side as fast as i can. that is one promise i believe i can keep. this promise, i truly truly believe in. so, please don't forget it. i don't feel it's right to ask others around you how you are doing, because i know that sometimes you hide it from other people too. i also don't think it's always good to rely on my intuition about how you're feeling, because while i can sometimes sense how you're doing, even if you don't say much, i know that as we drift farther apart, even if i sense things...i shouldn't do anything if you don't ask.

i realized today. why it hurts when you're gone, especially as time goes on. the me i am when i was with you, i really like that person i was. deep down, i didn't know, but i wasn't scared of losing just you. but that person i was with you. i suppose, i just wonder, if i can become that person again, if i were to see you again. it's funny, how in my memories of us, what i tend to remember is me smiling and laughing, and being strong, because i felt i could always have a place beside you. that i could always be special to you. being with you, knowing that i could hurt you and that you could hurt me is scary and painful. but not seeing you at all, is so much more painful and lonely.

"the you i see when i close my eyes has somehow helped me become stronger. i too, want to be like that for you."

i'm sorry. i wrote so much more than i meant to...it seems my mind is even slowing down now. oyasumi.

samaiko

ps. one more thing i forgot to say. often at night, i'll think really hard...or say outloud. "i miss you." or "i love you." i suppose, somehow i hope that you can hear me or feel it...or something...but maybe it's too much to hope for?

haha...y'd i write something like that...baka mitai...