Goodmorning, headache

There is so much work to be done...and I seem to have little energy or motivation to do any of it. Maybe because none of it helps with what I'm faced with now.

I wonder why, in all of my dreams someone is either dying or closet to being dead. And always involve some kind of struggle and pursuit. I suppose my subconscious is a lot more in turmoil than I thought...

I don't know what to do about you, really. I had told myself before that I can't be around you, if I find myself constantly unhappy because of the complexities.

And yet, I still want to help you. Even though it's complex. Even though we are in love with different people. I still want to see you smile. Maybe because I failed at loving someone before, I don't want to this time.

But I'm sorry. I fluctuate too much with my emotions. It doesn't make for something solid to hold onto. But I can keep trying.

With all this unrequited love, I just want to smile and make good memories too. And I want to help you do that too. Maybe I'm just the kind of person who will do this...even if it exhausts me. I don't know why seeing someone else smile because of something I did makes me feel better than if I were to smile myself.

Maybe because my smiles are often hidden in sadness. It's seems like it's rare that something doesn't have a painful emotion attached to it anymore.

With all this work, I don't have a lot of energy left. I want to do things like go shopping with my best friend. I want to read a good book out in the sunshine feeling a gentle breeze. Sit by a tree in a full forest..and just listen to this music.

And I still want to be in the rain. I want to feel that feeling....like I can wash everything away. Like I can start over completely clean.

Ever since that day last semester...when I felt a change I could not describe...when I lost someone I loved because I had too much faith...the surrealistic dream began.

And it's not over.

To what then...do I hold onto?