Day 1

and so begins winter break. some unpacking for mom and some mindless tasks for the business...but other than that there shouldn't be anything too difficult about this break...hopefully.

so i was thinking about the story-writing...and i wish i had the patience to write mine. it'd be interesting, i bet. but if i had submitted it, it wouldn't have been fiction. so unfortunately would not have counted, no matter how interesting it is.

still. even if it wasn't complete, i wonder if he'll be able to tell. those thoughts are very real. they were mine, after all.

I want to see Dear John. I also want to read the book. I wonder why the letter seems so romantic. But it is. Maybe, because like this journal, we're allowed to be free with our thoughts. We can say stuff like "I love you and I miss you so much." And those thoughts touch people. The letter may be sentimental...but it's real. Because it's how we truly feel.

there's a lot i'd want to say. and it's almost fun to narrate the story of your life. of love.

but i don't remember much. so it wouldn't make for a very good story, i suppose. all i remember are instances. letters in the cold winter when i was without email. countless train rides. walks in the park. late night phone calls. late night arguments...it's all there. it's...everything that makes me love you...it's everything i can't forget...

Lines like...

Falling in love isn't hard to do...once you find a decent guy.

With you, falling in love felt right somehow.

Back then...I thought that it was easy to fall in love. What I didn't know was that it is easier to get your heart broken.

"I'm just not in love with you anymore" really hurts.

But knowing that no matter how he touches you, no matter how gently he looks at you...no matter how familiar that feeling may be...you're not the one.

And you can tell when it's forced. Because part of being in love...that feeling that everyone's after...part of it is a feeling you can't control.

Like looking at his picture...and feeling your heart beat fast. No matter what you tell yourself. No matter what the truth is. That it doesn't matter how you feel. Because it won't change anything.

But still... I wish I could see you. I wish I could hold you one more time....I don't know if you're waiting for me...you've told me you're not. And I don't know what to believe...I wish I knew...

When I said I'd miss you, I meant it. I didn't mean to. But I did.

It's terrifying to fall in love. And I almost did. Again.

Back then..I wish I hadn't fallen in love. Because doing it for the first time is easy.

But the secrets we must keep...the complexities....and the hearts that we can't control...it's why we won't fall in love. It's just not there. And I guess that's fine. We shouldn't fall in love anyways.