Some time to think...

It's weird, knowing I won't be able to go to Japan like I thought. At least not the way I planned. It looks like over-estimating myself backfired again. No matter how many times it happens, getting rejected doesn't hurt any less each time...

I've had a lot of thoughts since I found out. Like thinking I'm not good enough after all. And wondering what I'm doing here. If I'm really just wasting my time and what the point of it is...It's kind of a sad thought, to know that I used to have so many wonderful inspiring dreams. And now all I really want is just to be comfortable. To have a place of my own and a job I like reasonably enough. Is that okay? To want just that much...

Maybe if I'm lucky I can have time to write my songs, or go to the beach. Maybe even have a pet. And if I'm really lucky, a person just for me. Someone who loves me because I am me. Someone who, when I'm with, I won't think "if only things were different, I bet we could be in love."

I know I'm supposed to be happy for you. I'm relieved to see you're doing well... But it also hurts to know you are.You'll always go forward. That's one thing I've always been jealous of. Your ability to always be surrounded by friends. And to be happy, no matter where you are.

I've tried to hope that I can go to Japan. But finding a job like this is so much harder. And it's like I've somehow lost that spirit and energy I had last semester.

It's painful to know that I can't even pretend I can run away.

I once thought that if I wasn't able to go to Japan, that maybe I would try to see you. That maybe...that would be the only thing that could make me unable to go...okay. For me, it's like, that would be the only silver lining.

But I know that would do no good either. I know that I hurt you back then. And I already decided that if you didn't come to see me, then it just means you didn't love me enough. And that's fine. Because it means I'll never have to worry about hurting you again.

I used to wonder if I'd be scared to see you. That's probably true too. Like an ending to a story that I don't really want to see. I'd probably cry a lot...And maybe really...I don't want to see you again, unless you love me. Because I don't know if I could handle saying good-bye again.

But...suppose I'll always be waiting...because that one real love, it's what I want. And I can't help but miss it. Heh...I feel like an old woman sometimes, someone who's lived and seen too much. Even though that's impossible. Because I'm still young, everyone says.

But for now, I bide my time with school-work. And pretend I have a social life. And spend a lot of time alone. Usually I don't mind it either. Even if it gets lonely sometimes. This peace, it's what I was after. Funny how, when you get to that point, that's when you want to go back...

The drama I'm watching isn't the most riveting one I've seen. But there are some good scenes. I really liked this one line:

"being young means...
being lonely,
being humiliated,
and handling things clumsily...
Being hurt all the time,
you get tired of it..."

Heh...I guess I'm still young.

I realize that, especially when it comes to matters of love...we try to do the best we can. But I know better than to believe in fairy tales. I know that people are selfish. We only think about our own happiness. So we don't see that we end up hurting the people we should really care about. And we take them for granted, thinking we have plenty of time. Not knowing how much they really mean to us. That's how we lose them. And usually they're gone...before we're ready to say good-bye. I feel like that's the story of my life.