an In-Between

Just something I plan on sending you if I'm able to leave for Japan...I've thought about doing it as a video recording...but I don't know. It's not perfect yet, but it's close...

Hi,

I've never been able to finish a letter I've written to you in the past. But you know me, I'm always better at expressing myself this way. Even though this probably won't change anything, I hope you read it.

I always hoped that I'd get to see you one more time before I left for Japan. Or hear your voice at least...I had always hoped you would come see me...that at the last second, you would tell me you still loved me after all. I would wait forever, if I believed you would really come. But I know that's impossible. I suppose even now, seeing or even hearing your voice would make me hesitate and cry.

I loved you very much. Even now, I love you...and every day, I seem to love you more...

There's a lot I don't like about you...and yet I came to love you despite that. You always took care of me. Even though I'm not particularly beautiful or talented or smart...you treated me like I was something you would never want to lose. Back then...no matter what we went through, or what I put you through, you loved me so well...when everyone else drifted away, you alone, stayed. I came to love you. And even need you, even if I didn't realize it.

You were my best friend.

I was always afraid that one day we would probably never see each other again. I just didn't know that day would come so soon. I used to tell myself that you were better off without me. And that I would give anything for your sake. There are a lot of wrongs and rights that we're told about love. I didn't do my best to make my feelings reach you. If I had, when I first realized that I still loved you, maybe I should have come to see you even though you told me not to...and told you how I felt in person. Despite my pride. Because maybe that was the only way to get my feelings to reach you. Maybe...you still loved me back then. But I know, that if I did that now, it would be unfair. Because you're happy now, and I don't want that to disappear because of me.

When I used to picture us meeting again, I'm pictured myself crying crying. Sometimes scared. Afraid I wouldn't be able to bear seeing you leave again. Afraid that I might hurt you again...Did I tell you? Those were always my biggest fears. So if we don't see each other again, because of these reasons at least, I'm relieved.

I still remember that day on the platform, that really cold, wintery day. I remember the heavy snowfall outside my train window. I remember hearing your voice from my cellphone, and seeing your face as the train slowly pulled away. Were you about to cry? I remember crying..and not being able to stop. And wondering why. Because, this was just like any other time. I'd be able to see you again. That's what I thought.

You had always told me that you were in love with me, but when I finally believed it, and trusted you, I learned that it was no longer true. But though you no longer feel the way I do, I'll treasure this feeling forever. Even though I probably won't see you again, I'll never forget you. And I don't want to. It's taken me this long to come to feel this way. Even now, I can see that you still care about me.

I have found the answer I've been searching for. And I hope you found yours too. I was always asking myself "was breaking up worth it?" The answer still, is probably not. But I did learn a lot. I learned that I'll probably always be in love with you. And for a long time, knowing you didn't feel the same way made me feel very lonely. I, like many people, never realized what I truly cherished until it was gone. But even so, I pray to God you won't realize that about me. Because I know, that is truly the worst to realize...that you love the person after they are gone.

Back then, when I realized I had lost you, everything in my life reminded me of you, because you had become that much a part of me. Songs, seasons, movies, music, trains, stories, ice-cream, Japanese, playgrounds, walking at night, cooking food, hand-made crafts....life itself no longer felt alive. To me...having fallen in love...being in love with you meant so much more to me than I realized. It meant..and became the feeling of being alive.

But when I realized that I could still come to love someone else and be loved in return, I suddenly felt very happy. Because at the very least, I realize I can still love, no matter how much I was hurt once. I'm glad, that you too, found someone to love. Someone who could love you much better than I did. In that way, I'm relieved too. I don't know what I'd do, if you were unhappy. It would hurt far worse than anything you could do to me.

I was told that if you really care about someone, then it doesn't matter if they can't return your feelings. Just caring about you in return, should be enough. That too, I've also come to learn.

It's hard to believe that we're where we are now. It's hard to imagine that we've known each other for so long. We've grown up together. We've learned how to love. We've both been through a lot. Together and apart. Because we were never able to really live together except for the few summer months, I wanted to say that God was really cruel for keeping us apart. I've had a lot of difficult times. I know I cry a lot and constantly depend on others. And when you were gone, I tried to do my best alone. Before, I couldn't. But now, I feel like I have the courage, and I want to try again. And I'll do my best.

You've been through a lot of difficult times too. I only wish I had shown how much I loved you then so that I could have been the kind of person who helped you become strong enough to face anything. Like you always were for me. Even now.

In life, it seems like..there are a lot of endings. And a lot of beginnings. This is one such time where the two meet....

I believe in you completely now. No matter what difficulties you'll face, I hope you'll continue to try your best too. I hope you'll always be able to find some source of happiness and peace. But don't forget...it doesn't matter what job you'll take, how much you'll make, or if you'll accomplish what others expect of you...or what you expect of yourself.

Because you are you...I'll always, always love the person you are. Wherever you are, I'll think about you each and every day. And until the day I die, I'll keep this love safe in my heart. And I'll continue believing you love me too. Because I still believe you're the same person, with the same good heart, I fell in love with many years ago. A person who deeply becomes attached to others they come to care about. Who doesn't forget them easily. Those feelings along with the memories of you have become some of my greatest treasures. And they'll give me the strength to continue on.

If you were here, I'd want to talk on and on...so that I'd never have to say good-bye. Like we did on skype or on the phone or in person...It's funny that, back then we'd have to say good-bye. But that's a terribly sad thing to say. And when I've tried before, it was never really good-bye. Even if it is this time, I'd rather say it this way instead:

Take care....and thank you for everything,

McKenzie