day 32 part 1 (maybe)

heh...i hate my dreams. i really do.

last night i dreamed i was at dickinson, and you, in all your fuckin nerve decided to show up on campus.

"this is my girlfriend." i remember that line all too well.

"like hell! i KNOW who your girlfriend is!" and with that, i fled. but...you chased me. i don't know why. you and her, you chased me...i hid in my room and you had the key, i hid in a friend's room. i was scared...scared to do more than cry... and you managed to open the door by force. all i could think was "what the hell"..admist my tears. no matter how much i tried to run away, you were there. and you were there with her.

but then.. i somehow managed to get you alone.

"don't worry i won't sex him up. besides he loves you too much for that." i remember that line too...

we talked. my feelings for you burst out like a broken damn.

and somehow...somehow they reached you. you told your new girlfriend that you loved her. but you loved me more. and despite the fact that she was hurt...i was happy. i guess that's part of love isn't...the ugly side that no one wants to admit...being selfishly obsessed with your own happiness...

in reality i told myself, even if you asked me, i would say no. i'd have to...but my dreams clearly show my true feelings...and i said yes...

we talked even more. we talked about how we still loved each other...and that while we could come to love another, like the person i really do care about now...it's really almost like we could only fall in love once...and i prayed it wasn't a dream. i prayed i'd never wake up.

but reality can be just cruel. because i know...i've tried..and my feelings never reached you. And seeing you would be "wrong".

i want to see you again. i want to tell you that if you're not running away, if you're not as scared as i was that i might still have feelings for you, like in my dream...then see me. you've had plenty of chances. i know what's between MA and VA...me. So if you're really fine and you really don't love me anymore..then damnit..see me.


Sigh. But i think it's probably true..if i can somehow believe i'll never see you again..really believe..then these feelings will finally go away too. So I hope I get a 2 year contract to Japan...i really do. Because when i come back, i won't know where you are. and...hopefully i won't look for you. hopefully...i'll be able to forget.

falling in love the first time is easy..so easy to do...i just wonder if i'll be able to again...ever...i wonder if i'll ever want to...if it hurts like this. even now...even a year later...maybe even if many, many years later...

and well...i know i'm being cruel to you. because i'm dismissing your feelings and efforts...like he's doing to me...and for that...i'm truly sorry...because even now, somehow..i wouldn't be able to bear losing you either...you're trying so hard...even if i'm not in love with you...