Day 23

Not much to say today, but that I got to sleep in. Yay :)

And that I got everything done that I was told to. Except for laundry. But hey, 8 loads takes a while.

Gotta sort through the credit card papers...*sigh* but well at least i'll be able to be at my computer for most of it. Maybe there'll even be an interesting movie on...or something. Not sure if I want to clean the upstairs tomorrow though too...it can wait...

I wish I could play a game with you...it'd be nice. I half hope you'll come online so I can ask....And we haven't in a long, long time...just one more thing I miss...But I'm sure you're too busy. Or tired...so I...know. I understand.

Last night, I was really happy. I felt like I could become happy no matter what. Maybe it was because of the drama...and that it gave me the courage to talk to you again. But I felt, watching the characters move on..and hearing the girl's letter that even if they never saw each other again, she wouldn't forget him. She loved him. Even as she wrote the letter. And just for a bit...I felt like I could love you too, even if we never saw each other again. And I know, I probably won't forget you or this feeling...even as we continue to go our separate ways.

I picture a scene somewhat like the one in the drama, where she's about to leave to go far away. I don't think we'd have a good-bye party...because I know I haven't kept around enough friends for something like that. But if we did, I imagine I'd yell at you too. Because girls...I think, they wish they could say "If you don't want me to go, then just say so!" We're always looking for signs that you love us too, no matter how pathetic we might look. We hope...because the alternative is just too sad. And damn...I know I hate crying...

But I picture, something like, at the very least, a scene at the airport. I wouldn't expect you to come see me off. And if you did, I wouldn't expect you to tell me don't go. I can hope, but I wouldn't expect it. For a long time even, I would think "He wouldn't see me. He doesn't miss me, after all..." For a long time, I wasn't even sure if I could handle seeing you. Because I'd be afraid I wouldn't want to be apart from you again...so much that it scares me. And maybe this feeling changes every so often. But in this scene, I want to see you. Even if you don't love me. Even if do but you can't tell me, because you're scared too...I feel like I could still be happy. I'd want a hug. Maybe I'd say good-bye. Hopefully I'd say "see you soon." Because that's what you used to tell me. And maybe I'd cry then too.

I wonder if I'm capable of loving. Or if there's a wall that I'm too scared to take down as well, for fear of there being nothing on the other side. I wonder if fate has something wonderful in store for me. We want to believe in the happy ending. Because again....the alternative is just too sad.

I was thinking about the anime I just finished as well. That feeling of happiness...of moving on, and leaving the places you've come to leave behind...but not the people. I've had to leave so many places behind. I didn't cry back then. But when it's people I've grown attached to that I can't go back to, I feel like I grow a little darker. I always wished that in the end, I could be surrounded by them. That's my biggest wish right now. To have all the people I've lost for one reason or another be with me again...but it'll never be the same as it once was. I know that very well. So I guess that's part of life too...

So maybe I should just keep striving to be the person who looks forward to each and every day. Each every moment I'm alive. Each person I become close to. Because..I don't want my life to end, realizing that because I was safe, I didn't really live after all. I want to have some good memories to take with me too.