Day 21

Not a lot happened today. Woke up nice and early at 8:30. Just to be awake to make sure my brothers didn't wreak havoc on the house. But we couldn't go anywhere. So I just had to be awake...and not do anything. Really hard to stay awake at times like that...

On a random note, I drank a lot of tea today.

I don't know whether it's because I got yelled at indirectly, or because of the j-drama I'm watching, or if it's just the regular stress of being at home..but I'm really quite worn out.

Of course, I hate being yelled at. But I hate being yelled at indirectly even more. And I know, he acted angry to cover up his own mistakes. But still...

One more thing, before I note my thoughts about the j-drama I'm watching. When I was about to come upstairs, I saw my brother on the stairs. I guess he saw I was coming. Because he went back to his room and shut off his lights. Perhaps, hoping he woudn't be seen. Perhaps, thinking he would only be a bother....I know he likes to be tucked in. Somehow, I felt sad, knowing he wanted to be tucked in and knowing he thought it wouldn't happen tonight. So I did. Funny, how such small actions can mean the world to a person.

I mean...I also miss it. Being tucked into bed. Even if it reminds me of the mornings where you left.

Anyways...onto the drama. I find it highly amusing and interesting that I can learn so much...if you want to learn about science or the news...you watch cable TV. But drama's...no matter what you're going through can teach you something new. It makes you think about yourself and your relationships differently. It can give you hope, it can make you appreciate things you've never appreciated before, even if it involves recalling memories you wish you didn't. And it's great, to read the words at the bottom of the screen, as you listen to the emotion of the voices. When you can think "I've felt that way" or "she sounds like me." Truly, like a good story, you cheer for the characters' happiness. And because they try so hard to obtain it, no matter what happens, someone you think "maybe, just maybe, I can too..." Perhaps I'm still not as indifferent to sentimentality as I thought...because so much of j-drama really is. But still, I guess it's good my heart can be touched.

A lot of times, j-drama's (and movies) that revolve around a love story, get into the concept that one of the main characters is being played with. It's true, sometimes we don't know if the love we're dealing with is just a game to the other person...and we often flip back and forth between believing in it and wanting to run away.

Sometimes it's just not there at all. Like with you...I feel like we're drifting even farther apart. I still can't help but wonder....what happened to you? Where did the missing piece go? What is it? But, it's pointless to wonder, right? Of course, I can't know for sure, and I've said so many times, but I just don't sense the warmth I once did from you. I guess my intuition could be wrong...but I do truly hope you're doing better than it thinks you are. And this time, I mean it. Even if, no matter where I am, you'll always be in my heart. Along with all the memories...I know that to protect you from me, I should stay away. If fate thinks differently, then it's welcome to step in anytime. But with the previous thought in mind, I just....I just hope you're okay. But as I mentioned in conversation earlier, sometimes we do all we can for someone we care about. But in the end, it's up to them to figure it out for themselves...

I often ask what's the point of falling love with someone you won't end up with? Why do we fall in love with people we Can't end up with? Is it really worth the good-bye's, the tears, the heart-break, the lies, the efforts in vain, the disappointments?...to have that one person you wish you never saw again. that one person who could make your heart beat fast, even if you didn't want it to...to have that one person, you always want to see again...and again..and again...that one person who made memories with you that you would do anything to erase..that one person who becomes the meaning of love...and of life....is all just to makes us learn our lessons? Is that really all we're left with?

Or maybe it's that when tomorrow comes...and as you meet each person one by one, you learn to cherish the moments that you have together. You always look forward to seeing them again. You find every chance...to have smile, to laugh, to have fun. And to love.

Is this what it means to know you have lived?...

Anyways, just wanted to share one quote from the episode I watched today that I thought was simply lovely...and of course...like I said, somehow reminds me of myself. But maybe I'm just that self-centered, lol...

"She said she didn't want to just listen to someone's story.
She wanted to actually go there.
She didn't want to just watch a video.
She wanted to go the places and see them for herself.
"To smell everything. Touch everything.
Because, that's what living is," she said.
"If this continues, my youth is just in my head.
Isn't god awful?"

It's not fair. She cries a lot. But at times like that she's really strong.
So I'm the one who ended up crying...

Didn't you think she was like a child?
For her, even the smallest event with you is really fun.
Because it's not imagination. It's real.
That's why she fell in love with you."