day 21 part 2

..because my earlier post was too long as is.

But I haven't really dedicated a post you yet. And I feel like I should. No..I want to. Suddenly...I want to.

I know that sometimes love doesn't work as beautifully as we'd like it to. But that's no one's fault but ours.

I think we could make a really great story. But, I at least, don't have the skill to write such a story. Even just accounting for what's happened so far...but here's what I've felt up till now.

Several months ago, I met a boy. Perhaps if he didn't look like my ex, I would never have noticed him. But I did. I've never heard of anyone going into a relationship, knowing...expecting it to end. "What's the point?" they ask. But we did. I spent the first few weeks completely infatuated with him. Like a middle school girl, I was nervous to be around him. Wondering what he thought of me. If he even noticed me. I said things like that...telling him I liked him. I spent a great while trying to get him to like me. He wasn't who I expected to fall for next. He shared very little of the same interests as me. He wasn't prince charming, or matched my list. But day by day, we got to know each other. I remember the night of the Moon Festival. I did The walk. The one where I walked away. Then turned around. Then walked away. Then turned around..I remember when I kissed you. I called it reflex...I remember when he kissed me. And I let him...I remember already...getting angry at him. And making up...and even now...being nervous and wondering why he hasn't called...Wondering how he's doing...

Even now, I think things I don't mean to...and say things I don't mean to. I remember thinking that losing the game of love hurt as much as it did, I never wanted to fall in love again. But I also remember thinking that it would be nice to be with someone who was kind and gentle...and I guess that someone turned out to be him, at least for now... When I'm with him...I don't know. I feel a kind of calmness that I thought was just a dream. I worked so hard to become someone he might like...and now he believes I'm really that kind of person. He make even me think I could actually become her. Sometimes... I don't know, sometimes I'm reminded why it would never work out...but sometimes I think, "I could fall in love with this one. I bet...I could."

I used to tell people that it's just play, that it's not serious. But it's not true is it? Just like he pointed out. I only did to pretend I wouldn't get hurt. And even though I did anyway...I don't know. Those words really meant something to me. When he said we're getting closer, so we shouldn't pretend we're not. I guess, to be honest, I got scared. But there really isn't an excuse not to give it a chance, is there? I thought that having someone to love..who could love me in return. That it would suddenly make me happy. But to achieve the kind of happiness that I wanted, that everyone seems to be after...I'm still a long ways away from it.

Though you know...the second time he truly surprised me was when he said I was in pain a lot..but I still managed to smile. I guess, I kept smiling because I had his happiness in mind. Even if that happiness didn't come from me. So I didn't realize my own pain. It was something I dismissed about myself, but something, I realized is very important. That I'm strong and I've helped him become happy. I remember, as a child, wanting to be the kind of person that could heal anyone who was hurt. Experiencing relationships as they grew, for a while, I wasn't sure if it was worth it...to keep sacrificing myself...to keep crying...for the sake of another. I wondered if that was the true reality of the dream I had as a child...

I thought of him as a child...and not just in his expressions...but his naivety as well, especially in the dealings of love...and understanding the motives of others...but what I realized is that child part of him has somehow brought out the child in me too, as I've attempted to get him to like me. But hopefully, as we continue to learn about each other, as we continue to become closer and experience each new event together, I truly do want to become someone who can love without being afraid. Who can truly smile with excitement with the thoughts of tomorrow in mind. And someone who won't forget the things that are important.

Even though our time will probably be short together, I want to say thank you. In many ways, you've saved me too. And I look forward to seeing you again. So let's make the best of it!