Some time to think...

It's weird, knowing I won't be able to go to Japan like I thought. At least not the way I planned. It looks like over-estimating myself backfired again. No matter how many times it happens, getting rejected doesn't hurt any less each time...

I've had a lot of thoughts since I found out. Like thinking I'm not good enough after all. And wondering what I'm doing here. If I'm really just wasting my time and what the point of it is...It's kind of a sad thought, to know that I used to have so many wonderful inspiring dreams. And now all I really want is just to be comfortable. To have a place of my own and a job I like reasonably enough. Is that okay? To want just that much...

Maybe if I'm lucky I can have time to write my songs, or go to the beach. Maybe even have a pet. And if I'm really lucky, a person just for me. Someone who loves me because I am me. Someone who, when I'm with, I won't think "if only things were different, I bet we could be in love."

I know I'm supposed to be happy for you. I'm relieved to see you're doing well... But it also hurts to know you are.You'll always go forward. That's one thing I've always been jealous of. Your ability to always be surrounded by friends. And to be happy, no matter where you are.

I've tried to hope that I can go to Japan. But finding a job like this is so much harder. And it's like I've somehow lost that spirit and energy I had last semester.

It's painful to know that I can't even pretend I can run away.

I once thought that if I wasn't able to go to Japan, that maybe I would try to see you. That maybe...that would be the only thing that could make me unable to go...okay. For me, it's like, that would be the only silver lining.

But I know that would do no good either. I know that I hurt you back then. And I already decided that if you didn't come to see me, then it just means you didn't love me enough. And that's fine. Because it means I'll never have to worry about hurting you again.

I used to wonder if I'd be scared to see you. That's probably true too. Like an ending to a story that I don't really want to see. I'd probably cry a lot...And maybe really...I don't want to see you again, unless you love me. Because I don't know if I could handle saying good-bye again.

But...suppose I'll always be waiting...because that one real love, it's what I want. And I can't help but miss it. Heh...I feel like an old woman sometimes, someone who's lived and seen too much. Even though that's impossible. Because I'm still young, everyone says.

But for now, I bide my time with school-work. And pretend I have a social life. And spend a lot of time alone. Usually I don't mind it either. Even if it gets lonely sometimes. This peace, it's what I was after. Funny how, when you get to that point, that's when you want to go back...

The drama I'm watching isn't the most riveting one I've seen. But there are some good scenes. I really liked this one line:

"being young means...
being lonely,
being humiliated,
and handling things clumsily...
Being hurt all the time,
you get tired of it..."

Heh...I guess I'm still young.

I realize that, especially when it comes to matters of love...we try to do the best we can. But I know better than to believe in fairy tales. I know that people are selfish. We only think about our own happiness. So we don't see that we end up hurting the people we should really care about. And we take them for granted, thinking we have plenty of time. Not knowing how much they really mean to us. That's how we lose them. And usually they're gone...before we're ready to say good-bye. I feel like that's the story of my life.

So much for Japan..

Kinda a huge bummer...

but there's a reason for everything right?... i just wish i knew why i wasn't meant to get that job...and how else i can go to japan...because i can go, right?...

but maybe after all, i'm really doing just needing an excuse to run away...but i guess life couldn't even grant me that.

mom said that maybe it meant we'd be together...even though before i figured it meant we'd still have a chance...i didn't really know how to react when she said that. but it's nice she's being supportive i guess...but it does show how little she knows about me...but maybe it's because she knows that deep down i want to be serious. so it's hard to believe that i Would do a non-serious relationship...

had a mini what-the-fuck-am-i-doing-with-my-life crisis...that i'm just wasting my life here...

but really. i guess there's nothing better to do, huh...

a job..a job i like..and a place all my own to stay...that's all i want.

daily happenings and a dream to spark the post.

finally got my errands complete. and i'm caught up with the minor assignments i've had so far...though i still duno about the thesis topic i chose..but i guess a have a couple days to think about it. i guess the high TSH might explain why i'm tired all the time. but i think not... :P

i wish we could hang out a bit today...but i suppose even if we won't admit it, the quota does get filled eventually and so, time apart is necessary. even if i dont' want to admit it. that, i've learned, no matter how nice we (like to) try to be or how nice we think we are.

funny how, i really have more money in my account than i've really ever had during a school year..and yet i think i'm still strained for money..heh. there goes paying for your own school bill.

and already events and appointments are scheduled.

but i'm doing okay on the monitering my meal points. and spending money- err..kinda. heh. typical, idiot human.

anyways, one note i wanted to make this morning that i forgot. i had a dream last night..and one of those good ones where i feel like he loves me. where he basically tells me..

in my dream a golden eagle made it's nest from sticks in a giant tree outside my back yard (which was full of these grand trees you'd only find in a great forest...) i could feel it's fear as it built its nest in a hurry to have a safe haven from the beasts. but suddenly i wanted to be in the nest, and the eagle agreed. i ignored it's anxiousness, though i could feel it. and suddenly, the beasts attacked. the eagle was overcome, and i, with several other humans swung around the trees and avoided being attacked. and a voice said something about us being able to, we had the skill, if we could just concentrate and know our resources..or something like that. though i'm sure it was prettier in language in my dream..

but then i went back into my house...and i got an email, from you saying that you were happy to hear that i loved you and you had just been afraid of falling in love again. but you had. and for some reason you were counting numbers...i think maybe 4? duno...and the something about
wanting to give me a purple flower when you heard that i still loved you...and i suddenly pictured
the scene of the eagle picking through them to find the right one...but then too many fell and
he couldn't..and i guess that was the end of the dream and i woke.

duno what it means. it's quite an emotional strain to be having these dreams...and even though i know he doesn't feel that way about me, i guess i'll always love him. because, true, i was happy to read that email in my dream...

so i wonder what it means? what did it symbolize, what was the meaning, what was the purpose? of the flowers, the beasts, the golden eagel, the stick, the backyard, the numbers?

...or maybe it means nothing at all.

really tired...

for some reason i've been getting really tired early at night...not that it means i'll fall asleep easily...

contacts seem to be working all right though ^_^

and so happy about my new gifts XD

i wonder what i'm gonna do about my medication if i can't get a hold of Quest...

and damn this anti-virus software...paying for useless shit...

but i'm glad we got to play today :) at least you pretend to care. sometimes.

i'm glad i get to hang out with you often...i wonder if it's really okay...

the semester has begun...

today is full of errands..unfortunately i'm not a people person..

i did find my ID number though...that was a relief.

just work at the bookstore today- i'm sure it'll be crazy buzy..but hopefully it'll get better in the next couple weeks.

already trying to manage what i eat, how much and how much i spend...this'll be interesting...for now i'll limit myself to getting bagels, soup and salad on campus. and of course the weekly (or almost weekly) date to issei's. sprinkled in with chinese and possibly thai take outs...and dairy/fruits/nuts from the grocery store...i hope this'll work out well and hopefully i can stay pretty balanced.

tho i must say it'll be pretty hard to ingore candy. and ice cream ;) but that's what the gym is for... right? if only i wasn't so lazy, lol..

I guess when i come back i might nap...so yeah...better do the last of my errands...haa..

I look forward to seeing you tonight. and cake ;)

and even now missing you isn't as bad. thank god for school/social distractions...

first night back

...i'm a little bored...but i played around with some crafts. i forgot i lacked motivation, and it hurt to stand after a while.

i can't believe i'm gonna spend like 50 bucks on food..not including what i'll buy with points this week...hopefully just salad and soup tops and an occasional drink...x_x

minor ordeals...and emotional as usual..heh.

i think i'm tired now, so i guess i'll head to bed here soon...

this semester's gonna be crazy. i hope i'm ready for it...to start off i'm gonna have to make a ton of phone calls on monday...i just hope everything goes smoothly...please...heh...

by the end of the semester i just need a place to stay and a job. preferably both something i like...that's really all i need. beyond that, i'll consider myself lucky.

good luck to us all.

i miss you.

Day 33

Well, the day has finally come!

I wish I had gotten the check though...not that I could have had a chance to deposit it, though...but well..as long as I get the money this time, I guess it's okay. Nice that they're throwing in a bonus tho. Hopefully.

I gotta remember to call grandma...

I hope the lab results got to school...otherwise I'm kinda screwed....*sigh*

So here it is. My last semester...so much to get accomplished and done. But I hope there's lots of fun times on the way, though! :)

And day by day, it's almost like it get's easier to not have you in my life, even if I still miss you a little. But if this is as good as it gets, I think I can manage....I hope...

an In-Between

Just something I plan on sending you if I'm able to leave for Japan...I've thought about doing it as a video recording...but I don't know. It's not perfect yet, but it's close...

Hi,

I've never been able to finish a letter I've written to you in the past. But you know me, I'm always better at expressing myself this way. Even though this probably won't change anything, I hope you read it.

I always hoped that I'd get to see you one more time before I left for Japan. Or hear your voice at least...I had always hoped you would come see me...that at the last second, you would tell me you still loved me after all. I would wait forever, if I believed you would really come. But I know that's impossible. I suppose even now, seeing or even hearing your voice would make me hesitate and cry.

I loved you very much. Even now, I love you...and every day, I seem to love you more...

There's a lot I don't like about you...and yet I came to love you despite that. You always took care of me. Even though I'm not particularly beautiful or talented or smart...you treated me like I was something you would never want to lose. Back then...no matter what we went through, or what I put you through, you loved me so well...when everyone else drifted away, you alone, stayed. I came to love you. And even need you, even if I didn't realize it.

You were my best friend.

I was always afraid that one day we would probably never see each other again. I just didn't know that day would come so soon. I used to tell myself that you were better off without me. And that I would give anything for your sake. There are a lot of wrongs and rights that we're told about love. I didn't do my best to make my feelings reach you. If I had, when I first realized that I still loved you, maybe I should have come to see you even though you told me not to...and told you how I felt in person. Despite my pride. Because maybe that was the only way to get my feelings to reach you. Maybe...you still loved me back then. But I know, that if I did that now, it would be unfair. Because you're happy now, and I don't want that to disappear because of me.

When I used to picture us meeting again, I'm pictured myself crying crying. Sometimes scared. Afraid I wouldn't be able to bear seeing you leave again. Afraid that I might hurt you again...Did I tell you? Those were always my biggest fears. So if we don't see each other again, because of these reasons at least, I'm relieved.

I still remember that day on the platform, that really cold, wintery day. I remember the heavy snowfall outside my train window. I remember hearing your voice from my cellphone, and seeing your face as the train slowly pulled away. Were you about to cry? I remember crying..and not being able to stop. And wondering why. Because, this was just like any other time. I'd be able to see you again. That's what I thought.

You had always told me that you were in love with me, but when I finally believed it, and trusted you, I learned that it was no longer true. But though you no longer feel the way I do, I'll treasure this feeling forever. Even though I probably won't see you again, I'll never forget you. And I don't want to. It's taken me this long to come to feel this way. Even now, I can see that you still care about me.

I have found the answer I've been searching for. And I hope you found yours too. I was always asking myself "was breaking up worth it?" The answer still, is probably not. But I did learn a lot. I learned that I'll probably always be in love with you. And for a long time, knowing you didn't feel the same way made me feel very lonely. I, like many people, never realized what I truly cherished until it was gone. But even so, I pray to God you won't realize that about me. Because I know, that is truly the worst to realize...that you love the person after they are gone.

Back then, when I realized I had lost you, everything in my life reminded me of you, because you had become that much a part of me. Songs, seasons, movies, music, trains, stories, ice-cream, Japanese, playgrounds, walking at night, cooking food, hand-made crafts....life itself no longer felt alive. To me...having fallen in love...being in love with you meant so much more to me than I realized. It meant..and became the feeling of being alive.

But when I realized that I could still come to love someone else and be loved in return, I suddenly felt very happy. Because at the very least, I realize I can still love, no matter how much I was hurt once. I'm glad, that you too, found someone to love. Someone who could love you much better than I did. In that way, I'm relieved too. I don't know what I'd do, if you were unhappy. It would hurt far worse than anything you could do to me.

I was told that if you really care about someone, then it doesn't matter if they can't return your feelings. Just caring about you in return, should be enough. That too, I've also come to learn.

It's hard to believe that we're where we are now. It's hard to imagine that we've known each other for so long. We've grown up together. We've learned how to love. We've both been through a lot. Together and apart. Because we were never able to really live together except for the few summer months, I wanted to say that God was really cruel for keeping us apart. I've had a lot of difficult times. I know I cry a lot and constantly depend on others. And when you were gone, I tried to do my best alone. Before, I couldn't. But now, I feel like I have the courage, and I want to try again. And I'll do my best.

You've been through a lot of difficult times too. I only wish I had shown how much I loved you then so that I could have been the kind of person who helped you become strong enough to face anything. Like you always were for me. Even now.

In life, it seems like..there are a lot of endings. And a lot of beginnings. This is one such time where the two meet....

I believe in you completely now. No matter what difficulties you'll face, I hope you'll continue to try your best too. I hope you'll always be able to find some source of happiness and peace. But don't forget...it doesn't matter what job you'll take, how much you'll make, or if you'll accomplish what others expect of you...or what you expect of yourself.

Because you are you...I'll always, always love the person you are. Wherever you are, I'll think about you each and every day. And until the day I die, I'll keep this love safe in my heart. And I'll continue believing you love me too. Because I still believe you're the same person, with the same good heart, I fell in love with many years ago. A person who deeply becomes attached to others they come to care about. Who doesn't forget them easily. Those feelings along with the memories of you have become some of my greatest treasures. And they'll give me the strength to continue on.

If you were here, I'd want to talk on and on...so that I'd never have to say good-bye. Like we did on skype or on the phone or in person...It's funny that, back then we'd have to say good-bye. But that's a terribly sad thing to say. And when I've tried before, it was never really good-bye. Even if it is this time, I'd rather say it this way instead:

Take care....and thank you for everything,

McKenzie

day 32

just one more day now... :)

not much to say this time. took a day off today. and had the house to myself...tho i wish i had known it earlier lol...

dreams about suicidal eel-looking fish...not sure what to make of that. the one about being really late to class tho makes sense...tho i hope that doesn't happen too often (or at all) this semester.

i guess according to this morning, i do get riled up really easily. heh...didn't know.

gonna make sushi tomorrow, hope it turns out all right ^_^

oops..forgot to make one phone call..oh yeah..i should also try and call and see if they got my lab tests done..haaa...

still dont know what to write for my thesis paper...

and, i think i've just about given up on you too...

anyways, that's all i guess.

day 31 part 2...

not that i have much to say. finished filing...guess i'll take a day off...or sumthin...i guess if mom wants me to get something done she can tell me..maybe i'll call..if i feel so motivated.

everytime i hear you basically say you don't care, it hurts a little less. this time, at least, i didn't cry. and basically wanted to say "hai hai..wakatteru..." it is pointless waiting around for you, after all.

so glad ur here for me, even if it's just for chat.

and i can't wait to be back at school. hopefully things will be easier to bear...now it's just 2 full days :)

day 32 part 1 (maybe)

heh...i hate my dreams. i really do.

last night i dreamed i was at dickinson, and you, in all your fuckin nerve decided to show up on campus.

"this is my girlfriend." i remember that line all too well.

"like hell! i KNOW who your girlfriend is!" and with that, i fled. but...you chased me. i don't know why. you and her, you chased me...i hid in my room and you had the key, i hid in a friend's room. i was scared...scared to do more than cry... and you managed to open the door by force. all i could think was "what the hell"..admist my tears. no matter how much i tried to run away, you were there. and you were there with her.

but then.. i somehow managed to get you alone.

"don't worry i won't sex him up. besides he loves you too much for that." i remember that line too...

we talked. my feelings for you burst out like a broken damn.

and somehow...somehow they reached you. you told your new girlfriend that you loved her. but you loved me more. and despite the fact that she was hurt...i was happy. i guess that's part of love isn't...the ugly side that no one wants to admit...being selfishly obsessed with your own happiness...

in reality i told myself, even if you asked me, i would say no. i'd have to...but my dreams clearly show my true feelings...and i said yes...

we talked even more. we talked about how we still loved each other...and that while we could come to love another, like the person i really do care about now...it's really almost like we could only fall in love once...and i prayed it wasn't a dream. i prayed i'd never wake up.

but reality can be just cruel. because i know...i've tried..and my feelings never reached you. And seeing you would be "wrong".

i want to see you again. i want to tell you that if you're not running away, if you're not as scared as i was that i might still have feelings for you, like in my dream...then see me. you've had plenty of chances. i know what's between MA and VA...me. So if you're really fine and you really don't love me anymore..then damnit..see me.


Sigh. But i think it's probably true..if i can somehow believe i'll never see you again..really believe..then these feelings will finally go away too. So I hope I get a 2 year contract to Japan...i really do. Because when i come back, i won't know where you are. and...hopefully i won't look for you. hopefully...i'll be able to forget.

falling in love the first time is easy..so easy to do...i just wonder if i'll be able to again...ever...i wonder if i'll ever want to...if it hurts like this. even now...even a year later...maybe even if many, many years later...

and well...i know i'm being cruel to you. because i'm dismissing your feelings and efforts...like he's doing to me...and for that...i'm truly sorry...because even now, somehow..i wouldn't be able to bear losing you either...you're trying so hard...even if i'm not in love with you...

day 31

wow...seems like forever a go, i wrote "day 1" lol...

not much to report on today...(tho i always say that don't i, heh)

i was happy to eat pizza lol, and it was better than i expected. i probably coulda had half the pizza if i didn't have to eat the salad..ah well. healthier, right?

also kinda started a new j-drama...it's all right though..not incredibly riveting. plus they didn't show any of the good stuff..ah well :P

i'm surprised u wrote me an email...but i know the truth. and i said so.

it was nice to get a phone call from you and hear your voice. even tho we just talked about the avatar movie and it was cut short...haha. :)

that's about it. really this time :)

day 30

not much to report on today...i was highly dissapointed in my brother. so much for his talk of being an adult...

heh. still no word from you...ah well, u might as well not even exist anymore...i sometimes wonder if it's the same for girls. if a guy wants to be with you, he'll do whatever it takes to make it happen...i wonder if...i mean if u did still love me..if u expect me to...but i know..i can't know. and i did try...but i know. it's pointless...

even if my head understands, it's hard for my heart to. it's hard to try and be someone who's confident and cheerfu, even if she isn't loved. even if it makes sense. because i know...of course, that's the kind of person i'd want to be around too.

i'm curious as to what's in those unicef packets exactly. it's an ingenious idea.

at least the weather was decent today. it was only kinda cold, instead of freezing. and i was kinda weirded out by the fact that i was basically allowed to sleep in..i know mom was trying to be considerate..but it seems kinda pointless to tell me that she was leaving early, so i guess she meant that he'd be back before i woke up so i could sleep in...didn't really help that i had to tell my brothers to go back to bed twice...so i didn't Really sleep in...haa...

looks like sushi will take a while to make..but i'm excited nonetheless. i wonder when i should try and make it...and i hope it turns out well. :) i really do. a lot of my cooking turns out well..but i've had my fair share of disasters too...heh. i wanted to make onigiri too...but we're out of salmon..and well, i don't have any rice seasonings anyways. can't believe i forgot the sesame seeds...heh but it's not worth the trouble of asking mom to go to the store just for that.

so much stuff planned for this semester...cooking and dates and trips and loli-dress making and securing a job and finding a place to stay and school..oh yeah and of course school work.

on a side note, i'm looking forward to going with everyone. but i think it'd be sweet to go to that formal dance. no matter how much of a tomboy i pretend i am, sometimes i can't ignore the little girl in me. the one who dreams of a world of cinderella or romeo and juliet. dressing up in something gorgeous, and finding a handsome someone to spend the night falling in love with...ii naa...lol.

4 days..just 4...dekiru yo ne...

day 29- an after thought...

unfortunately i've been thinking about you lately. i remember that you really liked dragons. and i, well, i love the phoenix. so here are some random thoughts about that...

i was thinking about how, i think, in chinese legend the phoenix and the dragon were supposed to represent the emperor and empress. i can't remember where i learned that, but for some reason, i really liked the idea.

i also recently surfed the internet for pictures of the dragon and phoenix together. something i learned, is that in many of the pictures, the dragon is blue. And just to prove it, here we are:
one two and three.

and that well...i really like the color blue. coincidence? perhaps. the fact that blue contrasts really well with the vibrant red and gold blend...complimentary colors? perhaps. but knowing me, that thought couldn't escape my mind.

in one strikingly interesting picture, the dragon and phoenix were fighting. odd...but interesting. just struck me, because we too, fought a lot..and still do, though not as often...

you are very much like a dragon. and i'm quite a bit like the phoenix. or so i'd like to think in any case.

but knowing me, i can't just it go to coincidence. no...me being as pitiful as i am, wants to take these signs the wrong way and add it to my dwindling ash pile of hope.

i feel like it'd be quite the fairy tale. the dragon prince and phoenix princess fighting like greek gods...and then somehow end up together because fate brough them together. because deep down, they actually loved each other.

but i know. just like you and me, just like in reality, that's not the case. but hey...pretending's really all i've got to help me feel alive...so yeah.......

day 29

It rained today. We went shopping. And I bought materials for making sushi...and if it turns out well, i can always buy more ingredients when i'm at school too, now that i've got the kit, it...and i just realized, though, that it's gonna be an expensive investment...cooking this semester..gotta get basic ingredients...and of course cooking utensils, pots and pans and stuff..heh...

been looking for a new drama...but nothing really seems to interest me..or something, like i'm tired of it for now.

gonna have to get up early and babysit the boys...that means i probably won't be able to work on the filing much tomorrow..which is just as well...but it means that that sets me to at least wed..but as i said, it's not like i'm getting paid to work faster.

still haven't heard from JET...haven't heard about my blood tests yet either...tho i should've by now....

also still haven't decided what to write about for my senior thesis. i'm really interested in social stratifications, particular pertained to dating, as reflected in popular Japanese media like anime or dramas...but who knows. i dont really know if that could work...but it's not like i've got any better ideas. just, nothing seems to interest me that much. and welll, i hate writing long papers to begin with.

haven't talked to you in a long time now...but i guess i'm not surprised. i should've expected as much...

Day 28

Mmm..not much to report on today. Watching anime is good though...brings out great emotions, lol. And it's interesting, watching it again, because I think about myself differently...about love differntly..than i did when i first watched it.

Anyways, didn't do much else today though...but i find it ironic that i have to get up earlier on weekends than i do on weekdays, heh...but this'll be the last weekend.

It's definitely a good way to tell who you really love, though...who you'd want to see, to be beside you if you were about to die, or if the world really was coming to an end. For me...I don't know. I'm afraid I'd say you...even now, of course there are timyoes when i wish we could start over too...but there's also someone else i care about...someone who's made me really happy.

when i think about you...i know we wouldn't be able to get back together, or if you still love me.... i keep thinking things like "it's for his sake...because this is the only way i can protect him..."...or "it's a lie"...or "it's impossible...there's just no way" or "even if the pieces don't quite fit...there's no way i can know..." and maybe i just dont know What to think anymore...about you. i cant' know...

it's true...finding someone you truly love is hard...and having them feel the same way about you...it's even more difficult.

but it's also true...if you keep running away, because you're afraid of being hurt...then you'll never be truly loved either...right?

sometimes we mistaken love for something else...jealous, or lust...or obession or idolization...i just..i just wish i knew how i felt with you.

i want to see you again...i think. i just want to know...even though..there's no way...right?

day 27

Just donated to the red cross for Haiti. Feels good :) Because as a human, i know i can't do much. If i were smart enough, i'd become a doctor. but i'm not. so what little i can do, i am more than happy too. and i know one day, i'll might end up needing the compassion of others too through such organizations. So many other mixed feelings about this...but there's too much to go into right now...

Heh...on another topic, not good dreams last night... :/ I realized that I'll probably always love you..even if I know that even if you came to me one day, wanting to try again...I'd have to say no. And I have to keep that promise to myself to protect you....

Didn't get very far in the paper filing today...but well...I still have another week. Mom is (unfortunately) unbelievable in finding More shit for me to do for her...so much for thinking I'd get a real vacation...haaa.

Anyways...I'm glad I can talk to you. I hope the internet lasts tonight...

day 26

8 days left. Not much to report on...I'm pretty tired and fed up being here. I want to be back already. Obviously not for the academic parts..but i want my privacy again. I want good internet. And I want to be back with friends, especially with you.

And i want to be back where i can eat my high candy, fruit and bagel diet...all this meat is weighing me down...@_@

I want to go back to where I have my free time back again..and where i run on my own schedule, instead of someone else's...And i hate being responsible and blamed for other people. Especially people who can't do shit for themselves.

This filing of papers feels so stupid and useless. And I'm tired of being lonely and cooped up...But at least i'm glad I didn't end up breaking my hand from punching the floor in my frustration...

Duno what was up with the internet...but i hope it's all fixed now...

Well, guess that's it...time to head up to the cold bedroom...

day 25

not much to report on today. "finished" filing...but it means i'll have to do more refined filing tomorrow..gah. so it's not quite over yet. also will have to finish up the laundry tomorrow...haaa...

pat robertson's comments on the earthquake in Haiti are outrageous. and viewer's comments on his comments are hilarious- though only because i fully support them.

the bride shortage in china is also funny- not really...but i guess i'm in that "well they get what they deserve" kinda mood..what else can you expect from a one-child policy that's bias towards boys?..especially since that's a part of who my past...

Odd dreams last night, campus, vampires, and flying...and fighting- being able to hold my own rather well, i'll add lol. duno what it all might symbolize, though and i'm not really in the mood to ponder it too long at the moment...

i can't wait to go back to a diet of fruit, milk, bagels, soup, veggies and the like..this heavy potato and meat diet is just too much....

i was right..you were too busy to play with me...i guess though, i shouldn't expect anything less. just wish i didn't feel so pathetic, like a child wanting her big brother's attention and not wanting to admit he has better things to do..

Not much else, though. Single digits, baby... :)

day 24

Not much to say and probably nothing as sentimentally poetic as last night, lol. Thrilled about there only being 10 days left. Tomorrow we'll get into single-digits, baby. :)

Lots of sorting papers...I keep forgetting the reason i hate filing so much is because it's physically painful, what with ending up with sore legs and back...and I'm basically sorting out a stack of papers about as tall as i am... @_@

Anyways...I'll be waiting again tonight, in hopes that you'll come on so we can play our game...even though you probably won't...i wonder how long i'll keep this up, lol..

I gotta get up at a reasonable time tomorrow, as fun as it is sleeping in, lol. but i gotta get the rest of the papers sorted. Yeah...

I tried drawing the other day. Kinda sucked, not that i really took the time or had the motivation. Heh...wonder if i'll ever pick up drawing and writing seriously again. Still kinda annoyed about the B...i guess art isn't just about effort after all, if you have talent, then you can get anywhere in that field.... :/ But i guess in all fairness, it's true i didn't really try as much as i probably should've. but hey..i get bored easily and motivation that lasts long is hard to find in me.

I kinda wanna try and see how that song would go along with a melody, even if just a temporary one, but i keep forgetting, lol.

Kinda wish I could do some archery, but it's been so cold. And i still only have got those pretty fuckin useless arrows, and shouldn't really spend the money to get new ones.

It seems my Japanese professor doesn't really want to talk to me, or something...but i haven't been able to ask her about the other jobs. And at some point it'll be too late to ask. And she's damn scary to talk to in person...In any case, haven't heard back from JET yet either...i really hope I do soon...

day 23- just a short quote...hopefully

And while watching a music video of the j-drama...i realized that seeing the girl keep the objects that she got from him made me smile a bit inside. Because I understand. I have things like that too. Ordinary....small things. That were made special because a certain person gave them to me. Like the meaning...and feeling of being in love, being generated from seeing that person...thinking about that person...

Even though the girl just spills out her feelings...i can relate to the ending too. Of wanting to talk on and on. Because it's hard to express your feelings of love for someone in just words. And because...it's hard to end everything. Even in a letter. But in this letter, those emotions that are captured so beautifully...I suppose it's how i feel right now too...

I suppose, somewhere in my heart, some day, I hope that you'll run after me too...before it's too late.

"I shined the light.
But that time, was no response.
I always hoped that you would look for me.
even though that's impossible.
but that's why it was shocking.
i'm always all over the place.
i'm always depending on others.
i've decided to try hard by myself.
I hope you try your best too.
even though I probably won't see you again,
i'll never forget you.
back then, i...loved you.
even now...i still do.
but don't worry.
i have treasures you left me.
your time and memories.
i am so weak and cry easily.
but those treasures
will help me.
i...really, really...
from the bottom of my heart...
loved you.
i wish I could talk on...
but i have to say good-bye.
sometimes in my heart,
i want to shine that light.
and if somehow, you feel it...
please...shine back..."

Day 23

Not much to say today, but that I got to sleep in. Yay :)

And that I got everything done that I was told to. Except for laundry. But hey, 8 loads takes a while.

Gotta sort through the credit card papers...*sigh* but well at least i'll be able to be at my computer for most of it. Maybe there'll even be an interesting movie on...or something. Not sure if I want to clean the upstairs tomorrow though too...it can wait...

I wish I could play a game with you...it'd be nice. I half hope you'll come online so I can ask....And we haven't in a long, long time...just one more thing I miss...But I'm sure you're too busy. Or tired...so I...know. I understand.

Last night, I was really happy. I felt like I could become happy no matter what. Maybe it was because of the drama...and that it gave me the courage to talk to you again. But I felt, watching the characters move on..and hearing the girl's letter that even if they never saw each other again, she wouldn't forget him. She loved him. Even as she wrote the letter. And just for a bit...I felt like I could love you too, even if we never saw each other again. And I know, I probably won't forget you or this feeling...even as we continue to go our separate ways.

I picture a scene somewhat like the one in the drama, where she's about to leave to go far away. I don't think we'd have a good-bye party...because I know I haven't kept around enough friends for something like that. But if we did, I imagine I'd yell at you too. Because girls...I think, they wish they could say "If you don't want me to go, then just say so!" We're always looking for signs that you love us too, no matter how pathetic we might look. We hope...because the alternative is just too sad. And damn...I know I hate crying...

But I picture, something like, at the very least, a scene at the airport. I wouldn't expect you to come see me off. And if you did, I wouldn't expect you to tell me don't go. I can hope, but I wouldn't expect it. For a long time even, I would think "He wouldn't see me. He doesn't miss me, after all..." For a long time, I wasn't even sure if I could handle seeing you. Because I'd be afraid I wouldn't want to be apart from you again...so much that it scares me. And maybe this feeling changes every so often. But in this scene, I want to see you. Even if you don't love me. Even if do but you can't tell me, because you're scared too...I feel like I could still be happy. I'd want a hug. Maybe I'd say good-bye. Hopefully I'd say "see you soon." Because that's what you used to tell me. And maybe I'd cry then too.

I wonder if I'm capable of loving. Or if there's a wall that I'm too scared to take down as well, for fear of there being nothing on the other side. I wonder if fate has something wonderful in store for me. We want to believe in the happy ending. Because again....the alternative is just too sad.

I was thinking about the anime I just finished as well. That feeling of happiness...of moving on, and leaving the places you've come to leave behind...but not the people. I've had to leave so many places behind. I didn't cry back then. But when it's people I've grown attached to that I can't go back to, I feel like I grow a little darker. I always wished that in the end, I could be surrounded by them. That's my biggest wish right now. To have all the people I've lost for one reason or another be with me again...but it'll never be the same as it once was. I know that very well. So I guess that's part of life too...

So maybe I should just keep striving to be the person who looks forward to each and every day. Each every moment I'm alive. Each person I become close to. Because..I don't want my life to end, realizing that because I was safe, I didn't really live after all. I want to have some good memories to take with me too.

day 22

Hard to think I only have 12 days left here. But that's good :)

I really do like this j-drama I'm watching. It's good to see a rare one where circumstances and other people's actions beyond your control and actually having to make real sacrifices (like your relationship causing trouble for others, tho it kinda reminds me of hana yori dango, except the positions are switched lol), actually create a lot of the problems..instead of the fluffy potential others getting in the way. It's good, because it makes the story seem that much more real.

Not much else to note..other than my supposed day off tomorrow is gonna be filled with moving shit and doing laundry and cleaning...I expect I'll be working for at least a good 3 or 4 hours minimum...that is, if i can manage to multi-task.

I remember one line that really got me...among others of course. "For me, there is no one else. No matter who I might meet in the future, that love... won't be same." It's true..but I guess that's something we learn. Of course there's no one like the first person you share love with...

But the father is also right. When you're young and you're experiencing love for the first time, it's easy to get carried away. When you become serious with that one person, then you end up in trouble when you hit a wall. Heh. But it's nice...and I still think that if two people love each other and believe...they'll find a way. In that way, though, love really can be selfish. Of course it's no good to stand on the sidelines and watch life and love pass you by. But if you have nothing but the other person...if you end up sacrificing everything else...that's no life either.

But on a lighter note, it's good to talk to you anyhow :)

Now with my headache and my nauseous stomach..perhaps I really ought to go to bed..heh.

day 21 part 2

..because my earlier post was too long as is.

But I haven't really dedicated a post you yet. And I feel like I should. No..I want to. Suddenly...I want to.

I know that sometimes love doesn't work as beautifully as we'd like it to. But that's no one's fault but ours.

I think we could make a really great story. But, I at least, don't have the skill to write such a story. Even just accounting for what's happened so far...but here's what I've felt up till now.

Several months ago, I met a boy. Perhaps if he didn't look like my ex, I would never have noticed him. But I did. I've never heard of anyone going into a relationship, knowing...expecting it to end. "What's the point?" they ask. But we did. I spent the first few weeks completely infatuated with him. Like a middle school girl, I was nervous to be around him. Wondering what he thought of me. If he even noticed me. I said things like that...telling him I liked him. I spent a great while trying to get him to like me. He wasn't who I expected to fall for next. He shared very little of the same interests as me. He wasn't prince charming, or matched my list. But day by day, we got to know each other. I remember the night of the Moon Festival. I did The walk. The one where I walked away. Then turned around. Then walked away. Then turned around..I remember when I kissed you. I called it reflex...I remember when he kissed me. And I let him...I remember already...getting angry at him. And making up...and even now...being nervous and wondering why he hasn't called...Wondering how he's doing...

Even now, I think things I don't mean to...and say things I don't mean to. I remember thinking that losing the game of love hurt as much as it did, I never wanted to fall in love again. But I also remember thinking that it would be nice to be with someone who was kind and gentle...and I guess that someone turned out to be him, at least for now... When I'm with him...I don't know. I feel a kind of calmness that I thought was just a dream. I worked so hard to become someone he might like...and now he believes I'm really that kind of person. He make even me think I could actually become her. Sometimes... I don't know, sometimes I'm reminded why it would never work out...but sometimes I think, "I could fall in love with this one. I bet...I could."

I used to tell people that it's just play, that it's not serious. But it's not true is it? Just like he pointed out. I only did to pretend I wouldn't get hurt. And even though I did anyway...I don't know. Those words really meant something to me. When he said we're getting closer, so we shouldn't pretend we're not. I guess, to be honest, I got scared. But there really isn't an excuse not to give it a chance, is there? I thought that having someone to love..who could love me in return. That it would suddenly make me happy. But to achieve the kind of happiness that I wanted, that everyone seems to be after...I'm still a long ways away from it.

Though you know...the second time he truly surprised me was when he said I was in pain a lot..but I still managed to smile. I guess, I kept smiling because I had his happiness in mind. Even if that happiness didn't come from me. So I didn't realize my own pain. It was something I dismissed about myself, but something, I realized is very important. That I'm strong and I've helped him become happy. I remember, as a child, wanting to be the kind of person that could heal anyone who was hurt. Experiencing relationships as they grew, for a while, I wasn't sure if it was worth it...to keep sacrificing myself...to keep crying...for the sake of another. I wondered if that was the true reality of the dream I had as a child...

I thought of him as a child...and not just in his expressions...but his naivety as well, especially in the dealings of love...and understanding the motives of others...but what I realized is that child part of him has somehow brought out the child in me too, as I've attempted to get him to like me. But hopefully, as we continue to learn about each other, as we continue to become closer and experience each new event together, I truly do want to become someone who can love without being afraid. Who can truly smile with excitement with the thoughts of tomorrow in mind. And someone who won't forget the things that are important.

Even though our time will probably be short together, I want to say thank you. In many ways, you've saved me too. And I look forward to seeing you again. So let's make the best of it!

Day 21

Not a lot happened today. Woke up nice and early at 8:30. Just to be awake to make sure my brothers didn't wreak havoc on the house. But we couldn't go anywhere. So I just had to be awake...and not do anything. Really hard to stay awake at times like that...

On a random note, I drank a lot of tea today.

I don't know whether it's because I got yelled at indirectly, or because of the j-drama I'm watching, or if it's just the regular stress of being at home..but I'm really quite worn out.

Of course, I hate being yelled at. But I hate being yelled at indirectly even more. And I know, he acted angry to cover up his own mistakes. But still...

One more thing, before I note my thoughts about the j-drama I'm watching. When I was about to come upstairs, I saw my brother on the stairs. I guess he saw I was coming. Because he went back to his room and shut off his lights. Perhaps, hoping he woudn't be seen. Perhaps, thinking he would only be a bother....I know he likes to be tucked in. Somehow, I felt sad, knowing he wanted to be tucked in and knowing he thought it wouldn't happen tonight. So I did. Funny, how such small actions can mean the world to a person.

I mean...I also miss it. Being tucked into bed. Even if it reminds me of the mornings where you left.

Anyways...onto the drama. I find it highly amusing and interesting that I can learn so much...if you want to learn about science or the news...you watch cable TV. But drama's...no matter what you're going through can teach you something new. It makes you think about yourself and your relationships differently. It can give you hope, it can make you appreciate things you've never appreciated before, even if it involves recalling memories you wish you didn't. And it's great, to read the words at the bottom of the screen, as you listen to the emotion of the voices. When you can think "I've felt that way" or "she sounds like me." Truly, like a good story, you cheer for the characters' happiness. And because they try so hard to obtain it, no matter what happens, someone you think "maybe, just maybe, I can too..." Perhaps I'm still not as indifferent to sentimentality as I thought...because so much of j-drama really is. But still, I guess it's good my heart can be touched.

A lot of times, j-drama's (and movies) that revolve around a love story, get into the concept that one of the main characters is being played with. It's true, sometimes we don't know if the love we're dealing with is just a game to the other person...and we often flip back and forth between believing in it and wanting to run away.

Sometimes it's just not there at all. Like with you...I feel like we're drifting even farther apart. I still can't help but wonder....what happened to you? Where did the missing piece go? What is it? But, it's pointless to wonder, right? Of course, I can't know for sure, and I've said so many times, but I just don't sense the warmth I once did from you. I guess my intuition could be wrong...but I do truly hope you're doing better than it thinks you are. And this time, I mean it. Even if, no matter where I am, you'll always be in my heart. Along with all the memories...I know that to protect you from me, I should stay away. If fate thinks differently, then it's welcome to step in anytime. But with the previous thought in mind, I just....I just hope you're okay. But as I mentioned in conversation earlier, sometimes we do all we can for someone we care about. But in the end, it's up to them to figure it out for themselves...

I often ask what's the point of falling love with someone you won't end up with? Why do we fall in love with people we Can't end up with? Is it really worth the good-bye's, the tears, the heart-break, the lies, the efforts in vain, the disappointments?...to have that one person you wish you never saw again. that one person who could make your heart beat fast, even if you didn't want it to...to have that one person, you always want to see again...and again..and again...that one person who made memories with you that you would do anything to erase..that one person who becomes the meaning of love...and of life....is all just to makes us learn our lessons? Is that really all we're left with?

Or maybe it's that when tomorrow comes...and as you meet each person one by one, you learn to cherish the moments that you have together. You always look forward to seeing them again. You find every chance...to have smile, to laugh, to have fun. And to love.

Is this what it means to know you have lived?...

Anyways, just wanted to share one quote from the episode I watched today that I thought was simply lovely...and of course...like I said, somehow reminds me of myself. But maybe I'm just that self-centered, lol...

"She said she didn't want to just listen to someone's story.
She wanted to actually go there.
She didn't want to just watch a video.
She wanted to go the places and see them for herself.
"To smell everything. Touch everything.
Because, that's what living is," she said.
"If this continues, my youth is just in my head.
Isn't god awful?"

It's not fair. She cries a lot. But at times like that she's really strong.
So I'm the one who ended up crying...

Didn't you think she was like a child?
For her, even the smallest event with you is really fun.
Because it's not imagination. It's real.
That's why she fell in love with you."

Day 20

So...got the garage done. And most of the basement. Hopefully I'll be able to chill for most of the next two weeks ^_^

Went to the diner for dinner, and got trout. It was quite delicious. Hadn't had it since we caught our own trout at the trout farm on that one vacation a long, long time ago, lol.

Wrote lyrics to a song last night...still awkward sentimental crap as ever..and it probably won't become a real song. But I guess it's good to work on writing again...

Other stuff...not much. I kinda wanted a sign from God...but I don't think stumbling across the document with the words "Hi love" counts really..heh. I wonder how long our silence will last this time...I guess it doesn't really matter lol...

Sometimes I do feel like Chii...like there are mysteries about me I'm completely unaware of..like there's some kind of fate in store for me that I don't understand...but who knows really.

Even if I'm in pain...keep smiling..huh....

day 19

I'm thinking I might draw some tonight...it'd definitely give me something to do, lol...though of course, I'm kinda tempted to watch some more j-drama too...cute as they are ^_^ I'm not really in the mood to write a story...I definitely a good chunk of time and a comfortable space to do that..heh....heh...

Not much to report today..other than I wonder if I should ask mom what i should tomorrow, i don't Really want to work and just say "it slipped my mind to ask you"..but I know it'd be the right thing to do.

Still annoyed that my arrows don't fly straight, due to faulty fletching. And also that my bow now feels like a toy, compared to what I used, teaching at the summer camp...heh. Anyhoo..

Nacho today- delicious, lol. Ice cream, also delicious. And hey, even the chinese stir fry I cooked up for dinner was pretty good :) Lol.

Meh...my singing voice wasn't so great today..it coulda been better and has been. Oh well...maybe tomorrow it will be. :)

I wonder when I'll hear back from JET- I hope they send some kind of notice, 'cause I don't have my code..and I'm not even sure where to check on their site... o_o

Anyways, I guess that's it really...I wonder if your pants are still in a bunch and what made you that way. Oh well :P

It'll be two weeks from tomorrow! ^_^

day 18

wow, it's day 18, and 18 days left of break...that means i'm halfway thru! yay! i can do math....

anyways...not much to report on today. moved the boxes around the garage, and swept...so at least it's organized junk...not looking forward to hauling it downstairs (probably)...but anyways...excercise, right?

And ps..I fricken Hate bugs...esp in masses...i had the heeby jeebies all day...

What else? Oh yeah...did some archery...although the fletching is all wrong on the errors, but I didn't notice it before...gah.. >_< and Dick's is too far away to be able to return it on the fly...haaa...so I basically paid $30 for 6 useless arrows...go figure.

Oh. J-drama...the one i'm watching now is really cute...I mean, the characters are kinda flat, and the "moral" of the story is pushed a bit much...and it's totally overflowing with sentimentality and drama...but well, that's what ya gotta expect. Though i realized all i basically watch is either romantic (comedies), or fantasy/ sci-fi...pew, i need to expand my horizons lol...

Oh yeah...and i gotta stop sleeping in till noon..no matter how great it feels...waaah.... -_-

I realize, even if i eat more meals, and healthier, they're a lot "heavier" than what i eat at school...meaning more loaded with starches, carbs and meat... @_@...but i guess that's good for me, right?

Ice cream? Maybe ;)...what? i can still fit into my pants lol..

Anyways, two goals for the next semester- non academic related. I want to get back into my lolita self- meaning lots of crafts that hopefully help my appearance ^_^ And I want to get back into writing stories- for fun this time. Fictionpress, here i come! (hopefully) lol.

Still checkin- for ya...but don't worry, I won't forget that you don't really care. Oh well.

That's about it- :)

day 17

even though i check..well..somehow i don't feel as clingy..or bothered. i guess this is good :)

bah slow internet lol...but at least i Have internet. something to be thankful for, right?

mom didn't tell me where to put the junk or how to organize it...i just hope she doesn't wake me up really early to do so...maybe i'll get a day off. haha...wow, i'm lazy.

on top of that...man..i need a shower... x_x but again..wow, i'm lazy...lol...

things left on the list: call grandma and thank her for the money/card...and talk to my japanese teacher about other job possibilities...oh yeah. and search for other jobs...and a place to live.

too bad...i would def have liked to be around you after graduation...coulda been fun.

day 16 part 2...

it hurts...so much...but hopefully this really will be the last time. if i could, i would definitely want to forget you. no matter what it does to me...

i don't know what darkness has taken over you. i wish i could save you...i loved you truly. and i tried...god, i tried...

but it's gone. there's really nothing left but broken, forgotten memories...

and so, i'll say good-bye. if it's the last thing i do...

just when i was about to give up...just when i couldn't stop the tears...there you were.

and i'll never forget your words...that showed me someone else truly understands. someone who actually makes me feel better now. someone who sees the person i wish i was. someone who believes in that me...

"you're in a lot of pain a lot of the time :/ but... you still smile"

all right then. with you by my side...even if it's just for a little while...surely i...no....surely we'll be able to make it...

thank you...

day 16

18 days left.

haha...i realize that my email wasn't as coherent as it should've been. missing words...and the like. so much for trying to be impact-ful.

but i just gotta remember that you don't actually care if we talk or see each other again. i know...i shouldn't either.

just gotta run away. like you, right? run as fast as i can...

but i'm glad i've got you here at least. talking to you keeps my sanity somewhat. duno why i suddenly feel so good just talking to you. i hope it transfers when we see each other again in person. i'm defintely ready for it. :)

and...i got one thing done on my list...one down....several bazillion to go..lolz...heeeeeeeeh....

*motorboats...ka naa...

day 15

So..again not much I guess..

I'm glad I could talk to you.

For a while I felt better.

But then, as I said, I get mixed feelings if you see, because it'd only give me false hopes...

Back then I said, I'd do anything for you...even if it meant walking through hell, or giving up my own life. I guess this is kind of the equivalent to that. So if it means protecting your happiness, then I can be reminded that living like this, if it's for you... then its okay.

And it seems...again and again, even if I wanted to fall in love...it's like...something just isn't right...what then, am I supposed to do?...

Day 14

...and it seems i've missed a couple days...again.

but there's not really much to say.

sometimes i miss you a lot. sometimes i feel like it'd be okay to move on. and what i'd say to you varies...

but i still want to see you.

been too cold really to do archery. unfortunately. and it looks like it'll be that way for a while...

odd as it is to say it, i'll miss my sis, even if it means more privacy...heh.

still haven't gotten anything done on my list..*sigh*