"I've been housing all this doubt...and insecurities..."

And to start with something unrelated, chocolate does wonders for the spirit... :)

Waking up this morning was awful- physically, mentally, emotionally...

But I think little by little I'm beginning to feel better. Just seeing you, reminded me not to give up hope. Because you're there taking care of me. So for now, it's okay if I can't be strong on my own.

And before I forget, thank you. For just being there.

So much has happened just in the past 24 hours...

Losing a friend...when I shouldn't have.

Talking with an old one...when I shouldn't have.

I've always thought that I chose to stay away from people who no longer wanted me around for their sakes. I thought, it's okay if I feel hurt inside, it's okay to sacrifice my desire not to loose anyone if it's better for that person.

But for the first time, I feel like I'm "freeing myself up for something better."

And for the first time...I feel like everything's pointing me in the direction of love. It's an unusual, yet nostalgically cheerful feeling.

Losing what's precious to me, relationships, potentially wonderful memories, and even faith in what should be good. And knowing...accepting that some relationships will never go back to what they used to be. And that it's probably better this way. But also...somehow finding something new that is just differently as wonderful as what I lost.

I can still create wonderful memories, right? Even as I keep losing precious things...

I'm still allowed to find happiness, right? Even if it's just for a little while...

Because I like fire, damnit.

There's no other reason. Anyways, so I kinda came up with a different analogy for love (or getting too close to ppl in general). Not saying that it hasn't been stated before...but i haven't written in a while, and it just popped into my head (and because i'm too lazy to work on my personal story or do hw :P).

So. Fire. You don't get close enough, and you have no chance of staying warm. But you get too close, and you get burned. Like the hedgehog dilemma, you just gotta find that right distance. But the thing with the fire is, you gotta tend to it too. Put your time and energy into keeping the fire alive. Even if you get burned in the end.

Well, that was my cheesy, blatantly obvious analogy.

So I did one thing I didn't expect of myself. So...well...I guess I don't know What to expect.

And she still won't talk to me...even though I didn't do it...again all it does is question who my real friends are...if even the title "real friends" really matters in the end...

And that kinda ties into the analogy above. It's like quote goes (because I can't seem to really be inventive enough to come up with my own ideas) tho i can't quite remember it exactly...but something like:

"It was like I couldn't be close to more than one person at a time..."

Whenever I gain a relationship with someone new...an old one fades away.

When an old one fades away...it's not long until I have someone beside me.

And it's not like I plan these things.

I always believe that when someone discards me, it's my fault.

Or like a fault in me that I can't even fix...even tho I've been told it's not just me that experiences this...

So maybe this is God's way of taking care of me...

I want to jump in with you. But I've jumped way too many times...and only ended up losing what was special to me.

Even now...I know an end is coming. I even know when...

For as much as I can remember, I've always been willing, even happily, to sacrifice anything of my own for the happiness of someone else, especially if I care about that person.

I want to give it to you. Because you definitely deserve it. And whether I like it or not...I want to care about you.

For so long, I've been trying to get my head to win over my heart. Now that it is has...

I'm standing at the edge. And I'm scared to jump this time. I'm so so scared...

It's not because I'm still in love... (who knows anymore anyways...)

It's not because I don't trust you...

It's not because I feel I lack the ability to love someone properly..

It's not even because I believe that we weren't meant to be...

It's because those memories of loneliness...of making someone precious only to lose them...of being left behind...it's all still..

so very real....

but who knows...maybe love will take me by surprise...

maybe all i can do..is not give up hope...even if i end up crying...

surely i can do it. as long as i have a "you" beside me...

right?

"It's okay. It's just a smile."

When you gave me that look...

Despite my trembling hands..I just couldn't say no.

So I've been telling myself...prove your mother wrong...you Can be happy... show a real smile for once...

And it's what I wanted after all..

Right?

So. The hedgehog's dilemma. Ok, so were not hedgehogs. But it'd sure hell explain a lot about me.

Or maybe I'm just part hedgehog.

Even though I want to give others warmth, even tho I want that same warmth returned...I only end up hurting that person or getting hurt...if only I had enough inner strength..enough inner warmth so that I didn't need anyone else for that reason...

as long as i keep in mind that it's coming...i won't get hurt...

right?

"i never loved nobody truly...always one foot on the ground..."

"I'm a very plain person. Not cute at all."

I try to think about why a person might fall in love with me. Sure, there are a lot of little normal things that make me who I am. That with my physical body makes me different than someone else. Even twins are never exactly the same.

But maybe there isn't anything special or unique about me after all.

Apparently there's some special technique or a light that goes off in our head when our "survival of the fittest" button is triggered. But mine seems to have never gone off.

No matter what our relationship is like now, if I ever cared about a person...

Yappari, if we were in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean, and there was only one life-jacket, I would give it away.

If that person came to me, needing my help, I just can't turn them away.

I guess God forgot to put the lightbulb in my head that's connected to "survival of the fittest."

But if there is really is such a trick to discarding people when you sense the smallest bit of unsatisfaction or danger. A way to make me think that people are really indespensible. Then pray, tell, me how. Because I'm quite tired of this...

Perhaps it would even work with love. Maybe there is a way after all, to fall in love without getting hurt or hurting that person. Fooling yourself into caring, when you really...don't. Being able to run away without feeling any kind of guilt whatsoever.

Can it be done? Can you be in love with someone...hell, can you Love someone and really just drop them like a piece of broken technology?

It would explain why it's been done to me...wouldn't it...

Go self-preservation. Something I've never been able to do.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. And my weakness is, that I care too much. And our scars remind us, that the past is real. I tear my heart open, Just to feel."

"Just don't."

"Just don't try to get so close to her." Or something like that...

She didn't seem to understand that i don't know how else to have a relationship with someone.

Of course most people I don't keep close to me.

But even the one or two friends I consider myself close to...well...even with them I feel left out.

I feel like even with those relationships...there isn't much of anything.

Or maybe that's what friendship is supposed to be like.

Because above all else, we have to protect ourselves before others, right?

To survive.

Maybe he's right. Like I've heard so many times myself, and told so many others.. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Wanting love....but never having experienced it....

I feel like having love...and losing it...is so much more painful...

I guess some people aren't meant to find love.

And I guess some people aren't meant to be able to hold onto it. To ever find it again.

Again when I should be sleeping..

Wow...blogging twice in one day. I think that's a record.

All these thoughts of you...make me think I should continue with the story...but then there's always an excuse not to. Though I do want to get it done...soon...

As the days pass, I become more and more hesitant on whether I should do it or not. But then, I ask...what's left after that?

Maybe he is right. Maybe I am dramatic. Heh..of course I am. I think that's the female stereotype, after all..isn't it?

So why do we want the drama? Why do we love it so much?

I cannot say for everyone but...at least for me...maybe it's because, no one has shown any real interest in me...and to this day I question if I can't believe in what we had...if what we had turned out to be nothing at all..then what Can I believe in?

And thinking that becomes painful.

Empty.

Worthless.

I search for an answer to the question "Why?"

And when I don't find one...I suppose then, subconsciously, I make excuses...and create a reason.

Even if I'm changed. Even if I'm damaged.

But then I can say, I have found a reason.

To explain why I've been turned away. Rejected. Let down. Betrayed. Left behind. Replaced. And maybe even forgotten.

Is it worth it?

No.

But I've been reaching out for something to hold onto....only to find everything slip away...

This is the only thing that has always been there...

why...i wonder...

ever since i hit the age where grades actually mattered, they have...more than they would to many people. maybe even more than they should to me.

i know they shouldn't.

besides love, they've always been a huge reflection of my self-worth.

i don't have love.

i don't have grades.

and each day, i am learning more and more of what i am unable to and no longer able to do.

then what do i have?

...is there really a point?

何のために頑張るの？(y do i try so hard...?)
理由がある？(is there a reason?)
自分のために。。。ない。　（if it's for myself, then I guess there isn't.)

i know that there are many people who struggle each day, with the things that so easily bring me to tears.

some people can do fine without the approval or love of others.

i wish i could be that kind of person. with enough courage to stand alone.

but i am not.

there have been many times recently when i have been very happy...

and for all that my friends have done to give me that happiness, i can only say
i'm sorry.

but i must do what i can to feel something...anything other than this.... no matter what that is.

late..and can't sleep...

god I'm so tired...but I just can't sleep. i was thinking of writing more of the story...but i dont know if i have the energy...and so i guess a blog will have to suffice...

The movie was good...but it reminded me.

i guess i'm not the exception. i'm the rule. like the fifty bazillion of the rest of us.

if a guy wants to be with you, he'll do just about anything to make it happen.

if he wants to call you, he'll call you.

if he really loves you..he'll find some way to express it.

it's been almost a year...and i just can't get over it.

i've realized no matter who i'm with, no matter how nice he is....

i'm still in love.

but the above makes sense. and if those points are true...

then he isn't.

and i'll always be waiting...

even after i send the email...

even after i say...

どんなに辛いことがあっても、愛してくれて、本当にありがとう。やっぱり、今でも、私は君のことを愛してるから。待っているから。ずっと。

lol

so many random things...nothing really thoughtful.

my limbs are sore from dancing- forgot to stretch...haha (but i've almost got this dance down)

also, i wish there was more music like this...

i love interpreting dreams!

i'm also excited about teaching japanese ^_^

i'm so glad i've managed to wake without a hangover. win! :)

also, i love chillin naked in my room. is this the reason why i want a single? yes probably, lol.

today should be good. a fair amount of work, but it's not reading or writing a paper...good?

i'm thinking of writing a memoir (yes it's egotistical) of you and me...maybe. i think it could be interesting...who knows..lol. maybe an answer will come from it that i've been searching for.

yappari...maybe there Is no point in two ppl who are in love with someone else to get together...right?

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down...

I'm so anxious...so many distracting thoughts..i can't even begin to get motivated on hw...

my room seems to have such a dark aura in it...but i guess i always come back...

"I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me

Were you just kidding?
'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened, please tell me?

'cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always"

Despite the fact that we'd rather that the perfect love story is what falling in love is really like...I think, deep down, we like the other love stories more...the ones with a sad ending, a pitiful ending, or painful ending...

Because maybe that's what we're used to more. Exactly how many love stories are perfect? Do those even make us feel anything real at all?

A year ago, I might have believed in happily ever after. But now, I don't think so anymore. I'd have a hard time believing someone who said "I'm in love with you." If someone said "we'll be together forever." If someone said "i'll never leave you." If someone said "i'll never hurt you." And anything of the sort...

I used to scoff at why people would be so torn after getting broken up with. I didn't see what the big deal was. Because it happens more often than not, right? But it really does..change you.

Maybe tonight I'll do something wrong. On purpose...of course it scares me, but nothing else has been able to make me feel any sort of anything real...and then I ask...what do i live for? Is the rest of my life just going to be like this? I want to live. Even if I get hurt.

Sunshine and dreams...

I really....really miss you...

Even though I'll probably be late for class...

I felt like I wanted to write another post. And omg yes..this has now become a regular thing for two days in a row. Alert the press. :P

Anyways...apparently just thinking about you a little has made a huge effect on my subconscious. For I dreamed about you last night. Sadly, I cannot say it was a happy one, as they often aren't.

But what I remember is there was two aircraft fighters...or something.. One was shooting at the other. We were both on the ground, wondering where they had come from and hoping we wouldn't get hit. But either you didn't hide very well, or just had terrible luck.

I heard you scream before I saw the gory hole in your back.

As the aircraft fighter came in for another round, I threw myself over you to protect you, despite the fact that we were both in a panic over your wound. That would be the last time I did, for as the aircraft fighters continued to shoot at us, I cowered more than anything.

I managed to pull you away, and got you into a house where we met this woman. She washed your wounds and dressed them. And I stood there, glad you would be all right.

But upon writing this, I realized a few things.

Maybe I'm still in love.

In a perfect dream, I would've washed your wound myself.

In a perfect dream, I would've continued to protect you.

Maybe that, rather than my bad luck, is why love has been unable to find me. Because I'm that much of a coward...

On the other note, I know it's too much to ask of life to bring you back to me. I know it might not work out, even if it did. And somehow, it would be like my life was coming to a close. But I also know that I could be perfectly happy settling down with someone very sweet who loves me.

Even if I carry this sadness and these memories, even if a glimmer of my love for catches me off guard every now and then.

Maybe I just want to be happy with that someone very sweet after all.

But maybe it's not longer a question of whether it's possible. It can't all be because of my bad luck, right?

Maybe it's because I'm afraid to get hit to get hurt to protect someone I love.

Maybe it's because of me.

Maybe love has been searching for me the whole time but Can't find me.

Apples...

These ones would make particularly good bakes apples..or even apple pie. :)

It's late, and I didn't even really get what I wanted done today..despite more or less having all the time in the world to do it. Isn't that always the case...

I also wish I was tired and sleepy at the right times. Like now. Like not during class.

I don't find a lot about myself that's attractive or amusing...

But I found it interesting that I've started making little random thought/notes in the margins of my class notes. I bet those are what I'll really enjoy looking back on the most.

For instance, apparently, in psychology, when none of us were participating, my professor asked "what? you guys don't want to be memory theorists?" I suddenly jotted down the thought that asked, why are we always upset when someone shows a natural talent for something. Or turned the other way, why do we have to meet certain criteria to be trustworthy? This relates to the question in class because originally I thought. "well, shit. why would we? it's not like anyone would believe our theories, even if we had something interesting to say."

On the one end of the spectrum are we jealous of natural talent, because we want to believe we have the same worth, that we could accomplish something just as great? Are we jealous that we have to work so hard, while some people can just cruise through and come out on top?

Like for being a writer. What's with all these really rigid technicalities? When some of the best-selling authors out there write stories that seem no greater than the ones we create in workshop? Those authors that make many of the mistakes we, ourselves, try to weed out of our work?

Sadly, I have no smart-ass answers.

And so, onto the next bit of thought.

I think I've been fairly independent this semester, which was my goal. Sure, I've fallen into the love-trap a couple times...and it doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to my friends, when they've been there for me...truly, I'd never get very far without them.

There was one night, when i listened to your message. And suddenly, now, more than ever, what you and i had felt like a dream. Or like you died...or just disappeared- and that i really wouldn't ever see you again. That in this world, it would be...impossible. But while I was ever more aware of my heartbeat, I didn't cry. I shut my phone and fell asleep. And despite sometimes wondering how you are, if you're still as taken care of as when I left you, I'm happy to have even come this far emotionally. Even if "when I can't express anything, I can't say good-bye."

I admit that sometimes I wish that the curtain would rise. That God would say "surprise!" ANd my happy ending would finally come. There. Me, with all my friends. And with you. Smiling and laughing...but this dream is still lost within the one that continues.

But, considering, even thus far in the semester, all the ups and downs, with relationships of all kinds, with work, with academics...as of now..I think I'm doing okay. Maneuvering my way through them all, day by day, with, for the most part, a fairly balanced neutrality.

"Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future."

Maybe I'm still me after all....and maybe that's okay. :)

These tangerines taste great but...

they're just not very filling, huh....

"He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable


But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain..."

I don't particularly care for the melody much..and it's not like the lyrics are the best I've ever heard. But they remind us that we always think about how wonderful it'd be to have the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. Of course we want to be treated well...I mean it's not like we're masochists....

Right?

Well, at least this is the way I'd rather think about it. It's just these moments that define love. It's actually the moments of conflict and being able to come back together that really strengthen the bonds between two people. It's just that...it seems it's the moments of soft, gentle, seemingly perfect love that we remember. That we want to think that love is.

But now I'm reminded, even if it makes me feel what I never wanted to feel again: that I'm in love you.

Even more so, it reminds me of the crucial point I missed once before, and I missed again: no matter how perfect you might try to be..or how perfect the guy or girl who falls for you might seem, no matter how comfortable your relationship is...

It's not the love that makes us feel like we're alive.

Sometimes it's just not enough.

Goodmorning, headache

There is so much work to be done...and I seem to have little energy or motivation to do any of it. Maybe because none of it helps with what I'm faced with now.

I wonder why, in all of my dreams someone is either dying or closet to being dead. And always involve some kind of struggle and pursuit. I suppose my subconscious is a lot more in turmoil than I thought...

I don't know what to do about you, really. I had told myself before that I can't be around you, if I find myself constantly unhappy because of the complexities.

And yet, I still want to help you. Even though it's complex. Even though we are in love with different people. I still want to see you smile. Maybe because I failed at loving someone before, I don't want to this time.

But I'm sorry. I fluctuate too much with my emotions. It doesn't make for something solid to hold onto. But I can keep trying.

With all this unrequited love, I just want to smile and make good memories too. And I want to help you do that too. Maybe I'm just the kind of person who will do this...even if it exhausts me. I don't know why seeing someone else smile because of something I did makes me feel better than if I were to smile myself.

Maybe because my smiles are often hidden in sadness. It's seems like it's rare that something doesn't have a painful emotion attached to it anymore.

With all this work, I don't have a lot of energy left. I want to do things like go shopping with my best friend. I want to read a good book out in the sunshine feeling a gentle breeze. Sit by a tree in a full forest..and just listen to this music.

And I still want to be in the rain. I want to feel that feeling....like I can wash everything away. Like I can start over completely clean.

Ever since that day last semester...when I felt a change I could not describe...when I lost someone I loved because I had too much faith...the surrealistic dream began.

And it's not over.

To what then...do I hold onto?