"What's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn..."

Well, not that that has much to do with how I feel really now anyways...but maybe this post will have a lot of good, truthful stuff.

Breaking my own rules...一人で飲むから。。。I'll try to limit myself tho...good thing it tastes like shit. I wonder why do these things to ourselves. Even if we have friends...it's like we're lonely anyways. And we feel like we have to shoulder our pain by ourselves. Why?...

But hey. I've been good so far this semester. I think I deserve to be cut some slack. Although it's possible my body probably won't thank me.

Tonight was kinda fun. Even if it was a bit lonely. And even if it quickly began to make me feel empty. But I reverted back to my own, defense-full self. All because I was embarrassed...even though i don't know why...

I wonder if I deserve it. I thought it didn't bother me. I really didn't..but maybe I was just bottling it up after all. Because I've been told it's wrong to complain or be selfish. I still don't see why it bothers me. Am I really that pathetic? Am I denying feelings that are really there? It'd sure explain a lot...and if love really is just chemical hormones...well, then....

I'm glad you're hanging out with friends. It's good...really, really. It's nothing you should regret. I guess tbh, I guess I too, had this picture of being alone. Maybe that was why...but I don't mind being a bit lonely..if it means you'll be okay without me. だから。。。だから、いいんでしょね？。。。

ね...?

Damn. I feel like I've said that line before...

I miss you. I think. I wondered how you're doing. If you're enjoying yourself. But of course...I wonder how you're doing, every day. I don't expect to see you again, and yet I still wonder. Even though I know you don't care. Guess I really am doomed till the day I die. What a sad punishment....

I wanted to cry at first. Even if I didn't understand why. Maybe because I was lonely. Or scared..but who really knows...

I'm afraid I'll lose control. It's easy to...because in order to become happy, humans often, uknowingly, hurt those around them. I know that already...but it makes it easy...

"Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart..."

I'd blog more..but I don't really know what to say and I'm beginning to think I'm losing my conscious functionality.

This stuff is gross...and ugh...that burned going down...haaa...

And of course, the age-old question comes to mind...what the fuck am I doing with my life...?

Ugh...another burn...and here comes the ride...

"i'm just a fucked-up girl, looking for her own peace of mind..."

"forgive me my weakness..."

but it's okay...i gotta remember how to live. on my own.