Trying...

It's late...and I'm recovering(hopefully) from feeling sick and the guilt of having wasted my day because of it and all my bad luck.

So, it being late, here I am as usual, thinking about all the stuff I shouldn't.

Like every time I think about love, I hope I can learn something new about myself. Most of the time I just end up confused. Or frustrated. Or both.

Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that...It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

I had always hoped we'd get another chance, too. I always thought that if I could, it would be different. We could make it better. But I suppose in reality, we're not so lucky. And maybe I wouldn't change.

With you, I've wanted to say I'm trying my best. Like somehow, I got another chance after all. But I'm human. I slip up and make too many mistakes. I'm selfish and I always want what's just out of reach. And I don't realize who I'm hurting because of that endless chase after happiness. So that's why I think that, maybe I wouldn't change. Like I didn't really appreciate what we had, and I forget to with what I have now. Who's to say I wouldn't make those same mistakes even if I got that second chance?

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

Maybe it's just because of me, then. Maybe that's just how I am after all. In my head, it's always a different relationship that sounds perfect, like with you. But even if I don't want to admit it, maybe that's how I feel. Even if I don't like that about myself, maybe it's true.

Every time we have that awkward ending to our chats, whether it's one of us storming off or due to some bad timing or connection, it hurts. But once in a while, I feel stronger.

I want to be able to say good-bye to you for good. And be okay if you don't come to see me. Even if it means, you'll always just be a dream or a memory, I want to be okay. Last time, I almost thought I could.

And on top of that, there's someone who's hurting too. Someone who feels the same pain I do, even if it's not for the exact same reasons. I just have to remind myself not to make those same mistakes. Like I want to change myself...and somehow change my fate as well. To start...I want back the patience I had last semester. The one that just wanted to have someone special to be with, even if that person wasn't in love with me (it would only lead to more sadness, wouldn't it?...) I'm still scared to fall in love, but if even for just a little while...I want to keep trying to become a better person and love without regret. For just a little longer...