day 11

so much to do that i'd rather not think about, another day gone and still haven't gotten anything done on my list..bah. Really should...

The more I think about it, the more I actually do feel that Avatar wasn't that great of a movie, in terms of story/character/plot development and all that. But still, nonetheless I can't ignore my artistic, visually -pleased self. Lol.

Anyways...Up? Maybe...ice cream would be delicious...but I'm still too scared of gaining weight..esp since I'm currently wearing a form-fitting dress. Haha. I kinda miss the slum part of me. Lol.

And I wonder if I'll end up staying up till midnight. I might, since I'm done with having to get up at 8 Am lol. Yay.

あけましておめでとうございます!

I miss you...

day 10

Gah..Here we go. I don't really know what to say. I hate being ordered around and told to do stuff for my brothers...so much for having them be grown up...It's fuckin wearin' me out...

Anyways, I want to send you a recording of the song I did too...but I duno if I want to send you the choir version or the solo version heh...both have their good and bad attributes...heh. Maybe you'd forget to listen anyways...

Seems like it's been forever since I last saw you. Hard to think I spent most of my winter-break with you...and now, we're like this...lol...

On a lighter note...haha. The pics are failing to attach. :P Totally not my fault...but I guess I'll add an explanation heh.

And um..yeah. It's supposed to snow. Or ice. Or something like that...and that's just what we need. To be stuck in this house for an extensive period of time together... :P

Hm...I need to get Shinya's water-neutralizing stuff so I can clean his tank...heh...oops...

Also gotta schedule that appointment...and call grandma...gah...I haven't done anything on my invisible list yet...*sigh*

But um..new power cord = yay! Tho I Did see sparks coming from the plug when I plugged it in.... o_o

Well, time to chat. :)

day 9

*sigh*...tired as usual...was so ready to pass out on the couch today at the end of watching the movie with the bros. My biggest issue I've learned when handling young children. To sometimes, just not give a damn to avoid stressful and possibly regrettable situations.

Moving on. I wonder how you'll take my statuses. It's probably all well and good. Again, I have to admit it'd be awkward just to stand there while you read them, lol.

Random note: I hate having stressful academic-related dreams, which often entail me not completing a project, test or other assignment on time. Last night's was not being prepared for an exam. Gah.

Anyways. Been thinking bout you again. Didn't hear from you today...I wonder how you're doing... :/ But maybe I feel a bit better....? Somehow...? I hope I'm just not kidding myself. I wonder if it'll really work though...

On a happier note, I hope things get better. And I expect good times this semester. I'm sorry I can't come to the show..but I always do my best to keep the promises I made first in tact...no matter who they're too.

Even if I still don't trust the words of love, well...I miss you too...

Day 8

Well, I find it highly impressive that I'm now getting tired around 9:30 pm...guess it makes sense, trying to deal with, i mean take care of my bros and working for mom and getting up at 8 AM... @_@

You're words are encouraging, by the way, and it's nice to hear from you every day. Even if we just talk about the weather. I'm happy you're at least talking to me...and even putting up with my incessant rant about my love woes lol.

While I'm still very much in love with you....I thought about what it'd be like to really try and not worry about it, to put it on hold, so I can really put myself into this new, potential love. I found myself picturing a very happy me, a me that felt like she was suddenly free, though I'm not really sure I can explain why.

I hate closing my eyes and jumping...but...I guess this is what it's come to...

If I don't know what I want...if I Can't get what I think I want...well...

might as well try a little trust in fate, right?...

day 7

man...its great that mom wants to always be productive but break is called break for a reason...

anyways, should go to bed soon, it'll be a long week...with so much to do...wonder when i'll get my appt for blood drawing in... o_o

on a random note- i wish i could take the creative writing class again....kinda. i feel like i coulda done better anyways...

also...i guess i'll see how it goes...even my heart is hesitant to believe...i know i can trust u, and even mom said to give you a chance...but, i know that deep down thats not the problem...because i know hearts dont forget easily, includung mine...and on top of that i'm just not sure if its worth it... to let myself fall in love. For the pain it could cause both or either of us. It would be lovely to live a brief dream...but i just don't know... :/

day 6

Guess it Has almost been a week. And what'dya know? Already managed to get myself entangled in a few screaming matches. Makes me wish...and miss having somewhere else to go.

I did get my arrows and such. I'll be glad to pick up archery again.

I'd been thinking about if mom didn't pay me. And if I have to pay for this semester, that's fine..but it'll mean no money for Japan...Still, I hope to get the job anyways...

I don't want to even think about all the stuff I still have to do yet before I get back to school...*sigh*

On a completely opposite opinion than my last blog entry, I guess love stories don't intrigue me like they once did. Or may it's just that I really no longer feel heart-warmed when I hear the fluffy words of love between two people. Maybe because I know how the ending goes.

I'm just not sure I can trust you enough to fall in love with you...because I just don't see a real future for the two of us together. And I know who is in our heart. And I know that can't be changed by effort. :/

I will admit...I was happy to get your email. It's almost like old times. Almost. And I still miss you. And love you...Of course. Like always...

"And though I know, I've already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I'm asking you is don't write me off, just yet
Don't write me off just yet..."

day 5 part 2

Just a few notes, because I am very tired and will go to sleep very soon.

I find it interesting that, of and on, I like to watch or read love stories. Though I'm too tired to really go into depth as to why that might be. Maybe another time.

Was also thinking about animals...and them appearing in my dreams. Especially wolves, either where they're chasing me, trying to get into my house, attacking me, becoming a great companion or (more recently) where I'm subduing them. I guess I could understand why I might be a wolf person, but there's a lot about me that isn't very wolf-ish at all. Who knows. I'm clueless as of yet.

I wonder if I could fall in love with you. I'm sure it'd be easy to do...but I know now that I could get hurt easily. And even if I did, I know it wouldn't be the same. I know you could love me very well...but from the first time I talked to you, I could tell that something was missing. And it probably always will, no matter how close we become. But suppose that's okay...

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. On How It's Made, they showed people making stuff by hand, and I thought of you. How much I loved that about you...and now, everything's starting to remind me of you again... :( Every day that we don't speak, I feel colder and emptier inside, no matter how cheerful or warm I may seem on the outside...

I wish I could see you again...or even better...you would come see me...but after all, if it happens, it'll have to be fate. Because neither of us had...or have enough faith to see it through. If there Is anything at all...

"Oh I miss you now, my love...Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas...my love."

Oyasumi...

Day 5?

You'd think, of any nights to blog, it'd be Xmas eve. But then again, in my defense, I forgot. That's understandable, right? lol. Well at least I'm doing this for me and not really for anyone else...Though I'll still probably blog again tonight...hopefully.

A target- just like I asked for, so that's cool, tho the deer on it kinda bother me... Hopefully will get the arrows tomorrow. And just ordered the string(hopefully the right one). With any luck, I can be practicing a week from now. Could be a couple days from now...if I had brought my bowstring home. Obviously didn't think about it though, lol.

So, a nice, red sweater, okay. It's nice.

A creative writing "tool kit." Probably woulda been more happy, if I didn't absolutely despise creative writing now. Thanks to both my classes which basically said I fail at it.

But moving on. It's weird not to hear your voice on Christmas. I miss it. A lot...just one more thing to add to the List of What I Miss Now That You're Gone...I wonder where you are. If you're even at home. And as always...I wonder if you miss me too... lol...wouldn't it be nice to talk to you? But I know you wouldn't pick up if I called. So I won't bother you. But I hope you're having a wonderful Christmas, nonetheless.

Maybe I'll send my list of stasues after all. Since I just realized it'd be awkward anyways, just sitting there reading over your shoulder, lol. I'm pretty sure you can figure it out.

Gotta call Grandma, and thank her for her money birthday card. Even though I just gave it away, heh. But it's fine. :)

And...gotta get medication soon...and go get my blood drawn...guh....so much stuff.... :/

But oh well. Hopefully I can take care of that stuff soon.

メリークリスマ!

Day 4

cold, but emotionally feeling better. somehow. tho i wasn't earlier lol....the Usual...heh...apparently he has a wiki page. with spelling errors as expected lol...

but reading your status updates was fun lol. ur quite the character.

this year we might not have a tree, depending on how lazy i feel...i guess.........

also. excited about gift exchanges, but sad i haven't been able to get anyone anything really...and i hate the awkward feeling of receiving and opening gifts...lol. 'cause i'm not a child. greedy bastards :P

anyways def tired...hopefully i can sleep better? hopefully i won't have to work either tomorrow...i know i'll have to be doing a lot of frequent damage control on my brothers anyways...


anyways. miss you lots. wish you were here. both of you. <3

day 3

so here i am once again crying because....u guessed it. a guy.

i miss him...and now...

ironically it wasn't too long ago that he told me he wouldnt hurt me intentionally...

but sometimes, i said, we hurt someone without even knowing it.

i tried to help. but i guess as my ex said, i shouldnt have.

but i did try. to put up with it and to be supportive. and what did that accomplish?

just getting told off. i guess we're just human.

but thats where i draw the line.

i'm sorry for fucking things up.

but in the end, u can really only blame yourself kid.

and i've had it.

best wishes and good luck.

'cause when u treat someone like u did me...

well. i can't say how much longer i'll stick around for ya.

peace out.

day 2

kinda tired...and cold of course...duno why being at home is exhausting. shouldn't be....

talking about life/death/love situations that'll never happen is interesting. and what i said about who i'd save and why is true.

my left hand seems to be doing a bit better. but my right hand is still bad...ugh.

so far only a minor fight/yelling session broke out. and at least it wasn't with me.

i know it's pointless to try and win someone's love. and i hope i dont feel that way about you too...

but when u said u missed me...even though you talked about all the girls you liked...i guess for one moment i had hope. i was happy...

Day 1

and so begins winter break. some unpacking for mom and some mindless tasks for the business...but other than that there shouldn't be anything too difficult about this break...hopefully.

so i was thinking about the story-writing...and i wish i had the patience to write mine. it'd be interesting, i bet. but if i had submitted it, it wouldn't have been fiction. so unfortunately would not have counted, no matter how interesting it is.

still. even if it wasn't complete, i wonder if he'll be able to tell. those thoughts are very real. they were mine, after all.

I want to see Dear John. I also want to read the book. I wonder why the letter seems so romantic. But it is. Maybe, because like this journal, we're allowed to be free with our thoughts. We can say stuff like "I love you and I miss you so much." And those thoughts touch people. The letter may be sentimental...but it's real. Because it's how we truly feel.

there's a lot i'd want to say. and it's almost fun to narrate the story of your life. of love.

but i don't remember much. so it wouldn't make for a very good story, i suppose. all i remember are instances. letters in the cold winter when i was without email. countless train rides. walks in the park. late night phone calls. late night arguments...it's all there. it's...everything that makes me love you...it's everything i can't forget...

Lines like...

Falling in love isn't hard to do...once you find a decent guy.

With you, falling in love felt right somehow.

Back then...I thought that it was easy to fall in love. What I didn't know was that it is easier to get your heart broken.

"I'm just not in love with you anymore" really hurts.

But knowing that no matter how he touches you, no matter how gently he looks at you...no matter how familiar that feeling may be...you're not the one.

And you can tell when it's forced. Because part of being in love...that feeling that everyone's after...part of it is a feeling you can't control.

Like looking at his picture...and feeling your heart beat fast. No matter what you tell yourself. No matter what the truth is. That it doesn't matter how you feel. Because it won't change anything.

But still... I wish I could see you. I wish I could hold you one more time....I don't know if you're waiting for me...you've told me you're not. And I don't know what to believe...I wish I knew...

When I said I'd miss you, I meant it. I didn't mean to. But I did.

It's terrifying to fall in love. And I almost did. Again.

Back then..I wish I hadn't fallen in love. Because doing it for the first time is easy.

But the secrets we must keep...the complexities....and the hearts that we can't control...it's why we won't fall in love. It's just not there. And I guess that's fine. We shouldn't fall in love anyways.

It's Been A While...

...and the semester is coming to a close. What have I learned? That I can't seem to be good at anything I've tried, guitar is Physically painful, I hated all of my drawings, psychology was just a pain, comp sci was hell, and creative writing..well...I'm terrified to ever show anyone another story again

...and I've realized that I haven't really changed.

I still don't believe in true love.

I'm still easily hurt..and don't always say so.

I still have stupid hopes.

I still have faith in people when I shouldn't.

And lack faith in them when I should simply be grateful when they genuinely care about me.

I don't know how I manage to find the strength to keep going every day...

because I feel like I fail so hard, every time...

I'm still hoping I get that job in Japan, even though, for the first time today, the idea actually terrified me.

I've been trying to learn and record this new song...but I've barely had time to do my homework, so I've been unable to make the final track. Soon though, hopefully.

The snow was beautiful the other night, in the orange glow of the street lamps. And as annoying as it was, trying to get to sleep, it made me smile, to see college kids happy at the sight.

I wish you had been here. We would've had fun, I bet.

But only in my dreams, I guess.

And dammit, it's so cold, I feel like bits of me will snap off and crumble away...

and I feel so empty...