"What's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn..."

Well, not that that has much to do with how I feel really now anyways...but maybe this post will have a lot of good, truthful stuff.

Breaking my own rules...一人で飲むから。。。I'll try to limit myself tho...good thing it tastes like shit. I wonder why do these things to ourselves. Even if we have friends...it's like we're lonely anyways. And we feel like we have to shoulder our pain by ourselves. Why?...

But hey. I've been good so far this semester. I think I deserve to be cut some slack. Although it's possible my body probably won't thank me.

Tonight was kinda fun. Even if it was a bit lonely. And even if it quickly began to make me feel empty. But I reverted back to my own, defense-full self. All because I was embarrassed...even though i don't know why...

I wonder if I deserve it. I thought it didn't bother me. I really didn't..but maybe I was just bottling it up after all. Because I've been told it's wrong to complain or be selfish. I still don't see why it bothers me. Am I really that pathetic? Am I denying feelings that are really there? It'd sure explain a lot...and if love really is just chemical hormones...well, then....

I'm glad you're hanging out with friends. It's good...really, really. It's nothing you should regret. I guess tbh, I guess I too, had this picture of being alone. Maybe that was why...but I don't mind being a bit lonely..if it means you'll be okay without me. だから。。。だから、いいんでしょね？。。。

ね...?

Damn. I feel like I've said that line before...

I miss you. I think. I wondered how you're doing. If you're enjoying yourself. But of course...I wonder how you're doing, every day. I don't expect to see you again, and yet I still wonder. Even though I know you don't care. Guess I really am doomed till the day I die. What a sad punishment....

I wanted to cry at first. Even if I didn't understand why. Maybe because I was lonely. Or scared..but who really knows...

I'm afraid I'll lose control. It's easy to...because in order to become happy, humans often, uknowingly, hurt those around them. I know that already...but it makes it easy...

"Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart..."

I'd blog more..but I don't really know what to say and I'm beginning to think I'm losing my conscious functionality.

This stuff is gross...and ugh...that burned going down...haaa...

And of course, the age-old question comes to mind...what the fuck am I doing with my life...?

Ugh...another burn...and here comes the ride...

"i'm just a fucked-up girl, looking for her own peace of mind..."

"forgive me my weakness..."

but it's okay...i gotta remember how to live. on my own.

Trying...

It's late...and I'm recovering(hopefully) from feeling sick and the guilt of having wasted my day because of it and all my bad luck.

So, it being late, here I am as usual, thinking about all the stuff I shouldn't.

Like every time I think about love, I hope I can learn something new about myself. Most of the time I just end up confused. Or frustrated. Or both.

Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that...It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

I had always hoped we'd get another chance, too. I always thought that if I could, it would be different. We could make it better. But I suppose in reality, we're not so lucky. And maybe I wouldn't change.

With you, I've wanted to say I'm trying my best. Like somehow, I got another chance after all. But I'm human. I slip up and make too many mistakes. I'm selfish and I always want what's just out of reach. And I don't realize who I'm hurting because of that endless chase after happiness. So that's why I think that, maybe I wouldn't change. Like I didn't really appreciate what we had, and I forget to with what I have now. Who's to say I wouldn't make those same mistakes even if I got that second chance?

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

Maybe it's just because of me, then. Maybe that's just how I am after all. In my head, it's always a different relationship that sounds perfect, like with you. But even if I don't want to admit it, maybe that's how I feel. Even if I don't like that about myself, maybe it's true.

Every time we have that awkward ending to our chats, whether it's one of us storming off or due to some bad timing or connection, it hurts. But once in a while, I feel stronger.

I want to be able to say good-bye to you for good. And be okay if you don't come to see me. Even if it means, you'll always just be a dream or a memory, I want to be okay. Last time, I almost thought I could.

And on top of that, there's someone who's hurting too. Someone who feels the same pain I do, even if it's not for the exact same reasons. I just have to remind myself not to make those same mistakes. Like I want to change myself...and somehow change my fate as well. To start...I want back the patience I had last semester. The one that just wanted to have someone special to be with, even if that person wasn't in love with me (it would only lead to more sadness, wouldn't it?...) I'm still scared to fall in love, but if even for just a little while...I want to keep trying to become a better person and love without regret. For just a little longer...

The winter here's cold...and bitter...

I wish talking to you didn't often end like this. With you disappearing. And me being reminded that you didn't care. Each time doesn't hurt any less. And each time, I feel like a fool. I must really be a fool...to cry each time. Like I'm hearing you for the first time...and still find a way to hope again soon after...I'm such a simple, pathetic person. Being so happy at every little praise or attention you throw my way.

"I feel just like I'm sinking...as I claw for solid ground..." No matter how much I cry and pray for you to come save me there's no answer.

So it's a lie to say I believe you. After all, I know it's no good. But I guess that's a good thing. After all, you're really not the person you used to be. The person I see in my mind. The person I seem doomed to love until I die..as punishment for hurting you.

I feel like I'm always apologizing to someone...and I guess my problem isn't someone loving me. But I wonder if I'll never be able to really love someone again. But maybe that's part of my punishment too.

"...I know I can love you much better than this..."

If I'm not alone...why do I feel so lonely...?

But I know...

"It's better this way..."

One for you...

...since I haven't in a while. And you definitely deserve it. And because I know I talk about him too much. And because I'm sorry for that.

I know you understand. Because it still hurts for you to think about it too, right?

It's not the first time I've thought about it. But especially tonight, when we were holding hands, I really liked it. I felt really really happy. I know we're not in love, but I almost felt like, if you weren't going to China and I wasn't trying to go Japan, maybe this relationship wouldn't have to end.

Some day, I'm sure you'll find a girl just for you. Someone who spends her time playing video games and role-playing. Who would become excited when she learns you like MST3K...and Lewis Black, because she would too. Someone you'd be so in love with that when you look at her, you'd wish you could be with her forever.

And some day, if I'm lucky I can find someone like that again too.

But for now, even if it's not love, I feel really lucky that I can at least feel like you care about me and where I'm happy to be by your side. For some reason, tonight, the physicality of being to able to hold your hand was something I felt I'd treasure while it last. And something I'll never forget.

I know I'm still awkward when it comes to expressing and receiving affection. I become sad and lonely often. My uncertainties seem to show more and more...and I cry too easily. And I know that sometimes you forget or get distracted. I myself, am full of those faults too. But when you try your best, it really moves me, even if I still think you're naive. But being imperfect, growing and learning...finding our own answers to what it means to love someone...because of you, I've been able to change these answers.

I've been told I've become much happier than I was when I was. Even now, it's strange to think think that if I'm in love with him..yet I become sad when I think about him...and neither is true about you...then maybe love for me, really has been re-defined.

Because even when I'm down, I always manage to smile. Because you're there. And I can't say thank you enough...

We're lucky enough to have found each other. Ｗe're no longer lonely, because we're cheering each other on and making fun memories that prove we can become happy no matter what painful experiences we've had. So let's continue to do our best! ^_^