Day....? 7

"Why is she Still sleeping??"

And that's why I want my own place, my own life. So that on a holiday I can fuckin sleep as long as I want.

Work starts tomorrow...one of the most stressful, deadline-run job I've ever taken. Well- I know what I Don't want to do as a permanent job. Are you surprised? I just hope I don't fuck up too majorly or too much this time.

Still waiting to hear back from the English teaching company. Let me go, please...

Well- posted a few songs last night. Better now than never, I just hope it goes well. As long as I have this dream, then I can feel like I'm passionately doing something with my life.

I'd like to celebrate your birthday with you. But I guess I'll have to settle with sending a present maybe, and a phone call. After all...if you don't put in the effort...if you don't want it enough, why should I.

Right?

day 6,

point pleasant beach huh...? interesting

scents- tobacco smoke, alchohol, and grease. bitter...

very much like a fair tho, which made me excited, even if i hid it well.

thanks for the piggy- even if he is odd looking.

i wish we had more time there tho.

driving in the dark is scary. it's like being blind. im a pretty fuckin lucky driver not to have died yet.

i wish u had grabbed my hand after all. and i liked the kiss.

why am i so obsessed over the things i can't or shouldn't have? am i just selfish?

Day 5..i think

stardust was cliche, but cute. hadn't seen a fantasy in a while. and it's nice to see men with swords, dressed up as "farmboys." lol, brings back the princess bride and all my days of childhood books.

haven't heard back from d-kun yet...i guess its just as well. i'm sure he's "busy." i dont know what to think of that passion in my heart. maybe it's love...maybe it's jealousy and longing. who knows...its all for nothing anyways.

gonna see you, chuu-chan tomorrow. should be good, provided i dont get lost. i wonder if we'd slip into our couple selves too easily...i really dont know.

but you're not in love with me. you're still looking. which i suppose is good.

so i guess i'm not in love with you either.

Day 4? I think

Already it seems I'm not doing so well at keeping up this blog. Between chatting with Chuu-chan, and my new netflix subscription, it seems I keep forgetting. But I will try harder! I'm also excited about going to see Chuu-chan. Even if we're not technically together, I'm sure it will be fun- although I really wanted to go on the beach. Oh well..maybe another time.

What unexpected support from the one world girls. Unfortunately all I hear is "JET, JET, JET..." and it only reminds me that I failed... :(

I hope that I get that job in Japan even if it's not with a company nearly as good or trustworthy as JET. I really don't mind. I really just want to get there....I'm eager and I can't contain it. I want to see what I'm capable of, and I want to start my adventure. I'm nervous and terribly scared, but I so want to go anyways.

So I guess I need a different code-name for the other one. D-kun will work I suppose. I chatted with him for a little bit. I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel for either one. But it seems he really doesn't want to see me after all. He says he will...but he doesn't seem to express that desire really.

I wonder if I'll always be saying this.

"Do you know the person who had to let you go, as they clutched their heart? That person is me. We had loved each other, but we're separating now. Although we're under the same sky at different places, please do not forget me."

You say that you still care about me...but all I can hear in my own head is "嘘ばかり。。。”

If he doesn't love me, then i shouldn't be putting so much effort into, right?

I still have that dream of becoming a j-pop star...but then I wonder if it's really possible. I haven't even gotten a chance to record for fear of being yelled at for being loud. I might try the barn...and I still know that even if I want to sing..if I don't feel it in my heart, then it's no good...

Well, at least it's cooler down here, even if that means being around people...guess I'll see what I can find to eat...

way too hot in here...

that's the only problem with being in the most secluded room. an exchange for having privacy= really hot in the summer, freezing in the winter.

graduation- the usual. got packed and unpacked faster than i expected. but now it looks like i'll be stuck here for 4 months...or more.

I hope I can get that job in Japan asap...but unfortunately again, schedules collide.

because as mom pointed out it'll be next to impossible to find a temp job and a place to live for 6 months.

he called. it was strange talking to him. i couldnt tell if i was nervous or not though. bet that's all i'll get into contact with him now..unless he gets internet.

read a cute manga tho.

reminded me that sometimes i wish someone would just say "i really want to be beside you and only you. i want you to stay with me. you're important to me and i love you." or something. but i haven't heard it yet.

so i guess there's no point, no matter how i might feel.

had to break up a fight between the brothers. and had to deal with mom and her bf fighting.

welcome home.

time to get back to sweating.

Until we meet again...right?

This will probably be short.

Love doesn't seem like quite the right word. But maybe it is.

Thank you just doesn't seem to suffice. But it's all I can think of.

I hate that crying makes me feel physically weak. But I'm probably also just tired...

I did cry though. I hope if you need to, you can let it out too.

Really when I was telling you "don't cry" I was telling myself more.

Did I tell you that everytime you part with someone, it gets easier? If so- I lied.

But it feels strange that I cried, leaving someone I considered a friend- as much as I did when I parted with someone I was in love with.

So like you- "I don't know."

I didn't cry the last time my relationship ended- because I thought we'd see each other again even though we said "good-bye."

Somehow saying saying "we'll see each other again soon" made me want to cry even more.

I understand now what it means, that saying "thank you" is somehow sadder than saying "good-bye."

I really wanted to smile for you until the very end. But I guess I'm no good at that.

Still, I'm glad to know we can keep talking. I know that making promises does nothing more than ask for disappointment. So no promises will be made.

But I truly hope we'll see each other again real soon. You have definitely earned this friendship- just by being yourself. So don't ever forget that. :)

at this time of night...

what am i doing awake?

i feel so stupid...for crying even now.

even after all this time, it still hurts.

it makes me feel sick.

why?

why do i have to keep missing you?

why do i keep hoping for something that will never happen?