I just dont know...

"Maybe if we both lived in a different world..."

All I want to say. All I cannot.

All I want to feel. And all I cannot.

In this world, the decision is not for me to decide.

I can't believe this is happening...

Before yesterday, it was only a thought in my head. And now it's become true.

I believe...that you could come to love anyone you like.

I just hope this doesn't become a deadly game.

Still, I'll always be praying for your happiness...

Hmm...

I duno..I want to do it..but somehow I just don't know what's holding me back...

If you can't go back, but don't want to go forward what's left? :/

In any case, I'm sleepy and can't study anymore. Time to for bed :)

I feel like it should rain...

or something...again I dreamed about you. I wish these feelings would let me go...so much.

"The music from our childhood
faintly echoes in the background
The memories I hopeless try to remember

The faint scent of tears
on my rain soaked cheeks
That warm look
on your face
I miss it so much..."

Tired.

Not looking forward to a weekend without you. But still hoping for unexpected fun-ness.

I know I should shower and go to bed..I feel so tired...but I probably won't for a while...

I'm trying not to think of the dreams last night...so full of awful feelings... :(

Don't know if I'm ready for this...

I'd really like to start something new. Stupid heart.

Even if I want it, I still believe it's immoral to change a person's heart using such tricks.

And counseling appointments feel like such a waste of time...*sigh*

I'm looking at a weekend of work and probably loneliness.

Who knows though? Maybe it'll work out and something unexpectedly fun will happen...

Sleepy...

With nothing much to say.

I like how things are now.

I'm, for the most part, really enjoying life. In some ways I wish it would never change.

And I wish I could believe. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't forget.

More Randomness

So I'm at home, pretty much just chilling. Being reminded why I both hate and like home life...but at least friends are here this time. I don't really think I have the capacity to read another chapter, but probably should since they're working too.

And as usual, I'm still frustrated about you...

But I guess it's good no one knows, reads, or cares that I have this blog. It really is like a safe place for me...

Ugh..Dreams

Maybe A Place to Return To is just a place I only want to go to when I feel this way. Distressed, upset, frustrated, lonely...

I had a dream last night. It was about a painting and poem I did and shared with the class only to have it criticized..and when I couldn't take it anymore, so racked with tears and despair the teacher shouted at me over and over again "What's wrong with you?" Like a parent berating his chid...

But then something lovely happened. I found a miniature kind of phoenix looking bird. It looked like the decorative version I bought once. It was fluffy and too cute, and I fed it an apple I found. And then I found myself surrounded by friends. It was just..too sweet.

I'd been thinking about what to do with you..and just, I don't know. I don't know if that's why I don't want to see anyone today, or if it's being physically sore from too much exertion. I've been tired and sick after hanging out with people so far..Maybe I just want a real break. Not see anyone, just be in my dorm alone...Maybe work on my dress..and I think I'd want her there.

I feel like I've been disappointed this break, granted, though that I know I'm one to try and want to only do things I want to do, but having a hard time declining the wishes of others, especially when they're my friends...

I guess I am just selfish after all..Like in my dream, I do like friends..but maybe I just need some time to by myself, even if it's really...lonely...

It's 4 AM...

I'm sick and tired...but I can't sleep for whatever reason. I'm either too hot or too cold and just end up thinking too much...

So here I am, playing Pet Society on Facebook, listening to a love song, running the daily virus scans I forgot to do yesterday, the usual....wishing someone was here for me...

Heh..speak of the devil..

(two secs later)...well that didn't last long...I guess...

As Spring Break Draws Near

It seems I didn't do too terribly on my exams.

I am trying to find the balance between being too attached to someone.

I realized I suck at both painting and writing poetry.

Everytime it hurts.

And I think about the dream I had...where I didn't want to forget you so badly I cried.

Nothing New really...so random thoughts

So I'm sitting here cold...dreading my Japanese exam, but knowing there's not much I can do about it, having studied quite a bit already...I just have to pray a lot and hope I guess.

I'm really frustrated that I've been failing lately at painting and writing poetry...I really thought being creative was something that came natural and easy..but maybe I'm wrong.

I'm also frustrated that all the classes I want to take next year are at the same time..I really don't know what I'm going to do. Lay out index cards in a giant schedule and throw together something that works I suppose. Oh choices...such a hard thing to do.

I just realized that no guy would probably ever be interested me. And sadly I realized today, while I like the idea of being in love and in a relationship, I'm just not genuinely interested.

I just wonder if he feels the same way. I doubt he'll be able to hold out for long, seeing as he's a guy with biological desires stronger than mine by nature. But I suppose at this point I'm so tired of it, maybe I should have a little faith in him after all...Ugh. I wonder why I'm even bothering to hope sometimes though..

These Feelings

The dream last night, this song, and everything else...it's telling me I'm scared to want it, but I want it nonetheless. I want to love and be loved in return. I just wish it was with you...but I just don't see how it could possibly just suddenly happen...and it's not like we can go back to how we were before. It feels like I'll only be able to see it as a memory. I guess I can only pray I won't succumb to my weakness and fall for someone else...not that the chance has ever happened before anyways...Maybe I just like the idea of being in love, but either way it's hard to ignore how I feel... :(