Because I like fire, damnit.

There's no other reason. Anyways, so I kinda came up with a different analogy for love (or getting too close to ppl in general). Not saying that it hasn't been stated before...but i haven't written in a while, and it just popped into my head (and because i'm too lazy to work on my personal story or do hw :P).

So. Fire. You don't get close enough, and you have no chance of staying warm. But you get too close, and you get burned. Like the hedgehog dilemma, you just gotta find that right distance. But the thing with the fire is, you gotta tend to it too. Put your time and energy into keeping the fire alive. Even if you get burned in the end.

Well, that was my cheesy, blatantly obvious analogy.

So I did one thing I didn't expect of myself. So...well...I guess I don't know What to expect.

And she still won't talk to me...even though I didn't do it...again all it does is question who my real friends are...if even the title "real friends" really matters in the end...

And that kinda ties into the analogy above. It's like quote goes (because I can't seem to really be inventive enough to come up with my own ideas) tho i can't quite remember it exactly...but something like:

"It was like I couldn't be close to more than one person at a time..."

Whenever I gain a relationship with someone new...an old one fades away.

When an old one fades away...it's not long until I have someone beside me.

And it's not like I plan these things.

I always believe that when someone discards me, it's my fault.

Or like a fault in me that I can't even fix...even tho I've been told it's not just me that experiences this...

So maybe this is God's way of taking care of me...

I want to jump in with you. But I've jumped way too many times...and only ended up losing what was special to me.

Even now...I know an end is coming. I even know when...

For as much as I can remember, I've always been willing, even happily, to sacrifice anything of my own for the happiness of someone else, especially if I care about that person.

I want to give it to you. Because you definitely deserve it. And whether I like it or not...I want to care about you.

For so long, I've been trying to get my head to win over my heart. Now that it is has...

I'm standing at the edge. And I'm scared to jump this time. I'm so so scared...

It's not because I'm still in love... (who knows anymore anyways...)

It's not because I don't trust you...

It's not because I feel I lack the ability to love someone properly..

It's not even because I believe that we weren't meant to be...

It's because those memories of loneliness...of making someone precious only to lose them...of being left behind...it's all still..

so very real....

but who knows...maybe love will take me by surprise...

maybe all i can do..is not give up hope...even if i end up crying...

surely i can do it. as long as i have a "you" beside me...

right?

"It's okay. It's just a smile."

When you gave me that look...

Despite my trembling hands..I just couldn't say no.

So I've been telling myself...prove your mother wrong...you Can be happy... show a real smile for once...

And it's what I wanted after all..

Right?

So. The hedgehog's dilemma. Ok, so were not hedgehogs. But it'd sure hell explain a lot about me.

Or maybe I'm just part hedgehog.

Even though I want to give others warmth, even tho I want that same warmth returned...I only end up hurting that person or getting hurt...if only I had enough inner strength..enough inner warmth so that I didn't need anyone else for that reason...

as long as i keep in mind that it's coming...i won't get hurt...

right?

"i never loved nobody truly...always one foot on the ground..."

"I'm a very plain person. Not cute at all."

I try to think about why a person might fall in love with me. Sure, there are a lot of little normal things that make me who I am. That with my physical body makes me different than someone else. Even twins are never exactly the same.

But maybe there isn't anything special or unique about me after all.

Apparently there's some special technique or a light that goes off in our head when our "survival of the fittest" button is triggered. But mine seems to have never gone off.

No matter what our relationship is like now, if I ever cared about a person...

Yappari, if we were in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean, and there was only one life-jacket, I would give it away.

If that person came to me, needing my help, I just can't turn them away.

I guess God forgot to put the lightbulb in my head that's connected to "survival of the fittest."

But if there is really is such a trick to discarding people when you sense the smallest bit of unsatisfaction or danger. A way to make me think that people are really indespensible. Then pray, tell, me how. Because I'm quite tired of this...

Perhaps it would even work with love. Maybe there is a way after all, to fall in love without getting hurt or hurting that person. Fooling yourself into caring, when you really...don't. Being able to run away without feeling any kind of guilt whatsoever.

Can it be done? Can you be in love with someone...hell, can you Love someone and really just drop them like a piece of broken technology?

It would explain why it's been done to me...wouldn't it...

Go self-preservation. Something I've never been able to do.

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. And my weakness is, that I care too much. And our scars remind us, that the past is real. I tear my heart open, Just to feel."

"Just don't."

"Just don't try to get so close to her." Or something like that...

She didn't seem to understand that i don't know how else to have a relationship with someone.

Of course most people I don't keep close to me.

But even the one or two friends I consider myself close to...well...even with them I feel left out.

I feel like even with those relationships...there isn't much of anything.

Or maybe that's what friendship is supposed to be like.

Because above all else, we have to protect ourselves before others, right?

To survive.

Maybe he's right. Like I've heard so many times myself, and told so many others.. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Wanting love....but never having experienced it....

I feel like having love...and losing it...is so much more painful...

I guess some people aren't meant to find love.

And I guess some people aren't meant to be able to hold onto it. To ever find it again.

Again when I should be sleeping..

Wow...blogging twice in one day. I think that's a record.

All these thoughts of you...make me think I should continue with the story...but then there's always an excuse not to. Though I do want to get it done...soon...

As the days pass, I become more and more hesitant on whether I should do it or not. But then, I ask...what's left after that?

Maybe he is right. Maybe I am dramatic. Heh..of course I am. I think that's the female stereotype, after all..isn't it?

So why do we want the drama? Why do we love it so much?

I cannot say for everyone but...at least for me...maybe it's because, no one has shown any real interest in me...and to this day I question if I can't believe in what we had...if what we had turned out to be nothing at all..then what Can I believe in?

And thinking that becomes painful.

Empty.

Worthless.

I search for an answer to the question "Why?"

And when I don't find one...I suppose then, subconsciously, I make excuses...and create a reason.

Even if I'm changed. Even if I'm damaged.

But then I can say, I have found a reason.

To explain why I've been turned away. Rejected. Let down. Betrayed. Left behind. Replaced. And maybe even forgotten.

Is it worth it?

No.

But I've been reaching out for something to hold onto....only to find everything slip away...

This is the only thing that has always been there...

why...i wonder...

ever since i hit the age where grades actually mattered, they have...more than they would to many people. maybe even more than they should to me.

i know they shouldn't.

besides love, they've always been a huge reflection of my self-worth.

i don't have love.

i don't have grades.

and each day, i am learning more and more of what i am unable to and no longer able to do.

then what do i have?

...is there really a point?

何のために頑張るの？(y do i try so hard...?)
理由がある？(is there a reason?)
自分のために。。。ない。　（if it's for myself, then I guess there isn't.)

i know that there are many people who struggle each day, with the things that so easily bring me to tears.

some people can do fine without the approval or love of others.

i wish i could be that kind of person. with enough courage to stand alone.

but i am not.

there have been many times recently when i have been very happy...

and for all that my friends have done to give me that happiness, i can only say
i'm sorry.

but i must do what i can to feel something...anything other than this.... no matter what that is.

late..and can't sleep...

god I'm so tired...but I just can't sleep. i was thinking of writing more of the story...but i dont know if i have the energy...and so i guess a blog will have to suffice...

The movie was good...but it reminded me.

i guess i'm not the exception. i'm the rule. like the fifty bazillion of the rest of us.

if a guy wants to be with you, he'll do just about anything to make it happen.

if he wants to call you, he'll call you.

if he really loves you..he'll find some way to express it.

it's been almost a year...and i just can't get over it.

i've realized no matter who i'm with, no matter how nice he is....

i'm still in love.

but the above makes sense. and if those points are true...

then he isn't.

and i'll always be waiting...

even after i send the email...

even after i say...

どんなに辛いことがあっても、愛してくれて、本当にありがとう。やっぱり、今でも、私は君のことを愛してるから。待っているから。ずっと。