Mou ichido...

"I want to meet you once more, see you once more...tell me why you had to go...if only we could laugh like we did back then..."

My life continues to change around me. No matter how many times I think I've given up on you. But it's like...I don't want to lose you either. So these feelings remain the same. I guess no matter who I come to love, this will always be so. It's sad and painful at times, but if I can find moments of happiness, then it's okay. Then I don't mind.

I also thought I had fallen in love again. But maybe not. So I think I'm okay for now. I don't want to be hurt again. I can't take it too seriously. My sanity depends on remembering that. It's sad to keep realizing that you don't actually care. It's times like that, when I get hurt. And when I'm likely to hurt you too. I know this all too well.

But I have definitely enjoyed being with you. I like you very much. And I've had a lot of fun. Of that, I'm certain. And you've taken care of me so well-

♫

♫ Because we weren't in love with each other, we were able to love each other better. Because we didn't lose sight of the importance of friendship. Every day I feel like I'm learning to be strong all over again. I don't want to wait for you anymore. I'd rather fly. Without regrets. Without feeling the need to look back. And without hoping for us to return to the way we were. And I don't want to believe I'll always be sad because of that. I want to believe that small moments of happiness will always find me.

"What's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn..."

Well, not that that has much to do with how I feel really now anyways...but maybe this post will have a lot of good, truthful stuff.

Breaking my own rules...一人で飲むから。。。I'll try to limit myself tho...good thing it tastes like shit. I wonder why do these things to ourselves. Even if we have friends...it's like we're lonely anyways. And we feel like we have to shoulder our pain by ourselves. Why?...

But hey. I've been good so far this semester. I think I deserve to be cut some slack. Although it's possible my body probably won't thank me.

Tonight was kinda fun. Even if it was a bit lonely. And even if it quickly began to make me feel empty. But I reverted back to my own, defense-full self. All because I was embarrassed...even though i don't know why...

I wonder if I deserve it. I thought it didn't bother me. I really didn't..but maybe I was just bottling it up after all. Because I've been told it's wrong to complain or be selfish. I still don't see why it bothers me. Am I really that pathetic? Am I denying feelings that are really there? It'd sure explain a lot...and if love really is just chemical hormones...well, then....

I'm glad you're hanging out with friends. It's good...really, really. It's nothing you should regret. I guess tbh, I guess I too, had this picture of being alone. Maybe that was why...but I don't mind being a bit lonely..if it means you'll be okay without me. だから。。。だから、いいんでしょね？。。。

ね...?

Damn. I feel like I've said that line before...

I miss you. I think. I wondered how you're doing. If you're enjoying yourself. But of course...I wonder how you're doing, every day. I don't expect to see you again, and yet I still wonder. Even though I know you don't care. Guess I really am doomed till the day I die. What a sad punishment....

I wanted to cry at first. Even if I didn't understand why. Maybe because I was lonely. Or scared..but who really knows...

I'm afraid I'll lose control. It's easy to...because in order to become happy, humans often, uknowingly, hurt those around them. I know that already...but it makes it easy...

"Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart..."

I'd blog more..but I don't really know what to say and I'm beginning to think I'm losing my conscious functionality.

This stuff is gross...and ugh...that burned going down...haaa...

And of course, the age-old question comes to mind...what the fuck am I doing with my life...?

Ugh...another burn...and here comes the ride...

"i'm just a fucked-up girl, looking for her own peace of mind..."

"forgive me my weakness..."

but it's okay...i gotta remember how to live. on my own.

Trying...

It's late...and I'm recovering(hopefully) from feeling sick and the guilt of having wasted my day because of it and all my bad luck.

So, it being late, here I am as usual, thinking about all the stuff I shouldn't.

Like every time I think about love, I hope I can learn something new about myself. Most of the time I just end up confused. Or frustrated. Or both.

Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that...It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

I had always hoped we'd get another chance, too. I always thought that if I could, it would be different. We could make it better. But I suppose in reality, we're not so lucky. And maybe I wouldn't change.

With you, I've wanted to say I'm trying my best. Like somehow, I got another chance after all. But I'm human. I slip up and make too many mistakes. I'm selfish and I always want what's just out of reach. And I don't realize who I'm hurting because of that endless chase after happiness. So that's why I think that, maybe I wouldn't change. Like I didn't really appreciate what we had, and I forget to with what I have now. Who's to say I wouldn't make those same mistakes even if I got that second chance?

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

Maybe it's just because of me, then. Maybe that's just how I am after all. In my head, it's always a different relationship that sounds perfect, like with you. But even if I don't want to admit it, maybe that's how I feel. Even if I don't like that about myself, maybe it's true.

Every time we have that awkward ending to our chats, whether it's one of us storming off or due to some bad timing or connection, it hurts. But once in a while, I feel stronger.

I want to be able to say good-bye to you for good. And be okay if you don't come to see me. Even if it means, you'll always just be a dream or a memory, I want to be okay. Last time, I almost thought I could.

And on top of that, there's someone who's hurting too. Someone who feels the same pain I do, even if it's not for the exact same reasons. I just have to remind myself not to make those same mistakes. Like I want to change myself...and somehow change my fate as well. To start...I want back the patience I had last semester. The one that just wanted to have someone special to be with, even if that person wasn't in love with me (it would only lead to more sadness, wouldn't it?...) I'm still scared to fall in love, but if even for just a little while...I want to keep trying to become a better person and love without regret. For just a little longer...

The winter here's cold...and bitter...

I wish talking to you didn't often end like this. With you disappearing. And me being reminded that you didn't care. Each time doesn't hurt any less. And each time, I feel like a fool. I must really be a fool...to cry each time. Like I'm hearing you for the first time...and still find a way to hope again soon after...I'm such a simple, pathetic person. Being so happy at every little praise or attention you throw my way.

"I feel just like I'm sinking...as I claw for solid ground..." No matter how much I cry and pray for you to come save me there's no answer.

So it's a lie to say I believe you. After all, I know it's no good. But I guess that's a good thing. After all, you're really not the person you used to be. The person I see in my mind. The person I seem doomed to love until I die..as punishment for hurting you.

I feel like I'm always apologizing to someone...and I guess my problem isn't someone loving me. But I wonder if I'll never be able to really love someone again. But maybe that's part of my punishment too.

"...I know I can love you much better than this..."

If I'm not alone...why do I feel so lonely...?

But I know...

"It's better this way..."

One for you...

...since I haven't in a while. And you definitely deserve it. And because I know I talk about him too much. And because I'm sorry for that.

I know you understand. Because it still hurts for you to think about it too, right?

It's not the first time I've thought about it. But especially tonight, when we were holding hands, I really liked it. I felt really really happy. I know we're not in love, but I almost felt like, if you weren't going to China and I wasn't trying to go Japan, maybe this relationship wouldn't have to end.

Some day, I'm sure you'll find a girl just for you. Someone who spends her time playing video games and role-playing. Who would become excited when she learns you like MST3K...and Lewis Black, because she would too. Someone you'd be so in love with that when you look at her, you'd wish you could be with her forever.

And some day, if I'm lucky I can find someone like that again too.

But for now, even if it's not love, I feel really lucky that I can at least feel like you care about me and where I'm happy to be by your side. For some reason, tonight, the physicality of being to able to hold your hand was something I felt I'd treasure while it last. And something I'll never forget.

I know I'm still awkward when it comes to expressing and receiving affection. I become sad and lonely often. My uncertainties seem to show more and more...and I cry too easily. And I know that sometimes you forget or get distracted. I myself, am full of those faults too. But when you try your best, it really moves me, even if I still think you're naive. But being imperfect, growing and learning...finding our own answers to what it means to love someone...because of you, I've been able to change these answers.

I've been told I've become much happier than I was when I was. Even now, it's strange to think think that if I'm in love with him..yet I become sad when I think about him...and neither is true about you...then maybe love for me, really has been re-defined.

Because even when I'm down, I always manage to smile. Because you're there. And I can't say thank you enough...

We're lucky enough to have found each other. Ｗe're no longer lonely, because we're cheering each other on and making fun memories that prove we can become happy no matter what painful experiences we've had. So let's continue to do our best! ^_^

Some time to think...

It's weird, knowing I won't be able to go to Japan like I thought. At least not the way I planned. It looks like over-estimating myself backfired again. No matter how many times it happens, getting rejected doesn't hurt any less each time...

I've had a lot of thoughts since I found out. Like thinking I'm not good enough after all. And wondering what I'm doing here. If I'm really just wasting my time and what the point of it is...It's kind of a sad thought, to know that I used to have so many wonderful inspiring dreams. And now all I really want is just to be comfortable. To have a place of my own and a job I like reasonably enough. Is that okay? To want just that much...

Maybe if I'm lucky I can have time to write my songs, or go to the beach. Maybe even have a pet. And if I'm really lucky, a person just for me. Someone who loves me because I am me. Someone who, when I'm with, I won't think "if only things were different, I bet we could be in love."

I know I'm supposed to be happy for you. I'm relieved to see you're doing well... But it also hurts to know you are.You'll always go forward. That's one thing I've always been jealous of. Your ability to always be surrounded by friends. And to be happy, no matter where you are.

I've tried to hope that I can go to Japan. But finding a job like this is so much harder. And it's like I've somehow lost that spirit and energy I had last semester.

It's painful to know that I can't even pretend I can run away.

I once thought that if I wasn't able to go to Japan, that maybe I would try to see you. That maybe...that would be the only thing that could make me unable to go...okay. For me, it's like, that would be the only silver lining.

But I know that would do no good either. I know that I hurt you back then. And I already decided that if you didn't come to see me, then it just means you didn't love me enough. And that's fine. Because it means I'll never have to worry about hurting you again.

I used to wonder if I'd be scared to see you. That's probably true too. Like an ending to a story that I don't really want to see. I'd probably cry a lot...And maybe really...I don't want to see you again, unless you love me. Because I don't know if I could handle saying good-bye again.

But...suppose I'll always be waiting...because that one real love, it's what I want. And I can't help but miss it. Heh...I feel like an old woman sometimes, someone who's lived and seen too much. Even though that's impossible. Because I'm still young, everyone says.

But for now, I bide my time with school-work. And pretend I have a social life. And spend a lot of time alone. Usually I don't mind it either. Even if it gets lonely sometimes. This peace, it's what I was after. Funny how, when you get to that point, that's when you want to go back...

The drama I'm watching isn't the most riveting one I've seen. But there are some good scenes. I really liked this one line:

"being young means...
being lonely,
being humiliated,
and handling things clumsily...
Being hurt all the time,
you get tired of it..."

Heh...I guess I'm still young.

I realize that, especially when it comes to matters of love...we try to do the best we can. But I know better than to believe in fairy tales. I know that people are selfish. We only think about our own happiness. So we don't see that we end up hurting the people we should really care about. And we take them for granted, thinking we have plenty of time. Not knowing how much they really mean to us. That's how we lose them. And usually they're gone...before we're ready to say good-bye. I feel like that's the story of my life.

So much for Japan..

Kinda a huge bummer...

but there's a reason for everything right?... i just wish i knew why i wasn't meant to get that job...and how else i can go to japan...because i can go, right?...

but maybe after all, i'm really doing just needing an excuse to run away...but i guess life couldn't even grant me that.

mom said that maybe it meant we'd be together...even though before i figured it meant we'd still have a chance...i didn't really know how to react when she said that. but it's nice she's being supportive i guess...but it does show how little she knows about me...but maybe it's because she knows that deep down i want to be serious. so it's hard to believe that i Would do a non-serious relationship...

had a mini what-the-fuck-am-i-doing-with-my-life crisis...that i'm just wasting my life here...

but really. i guess there's nothing better to do, huh...

a job..a job i like..and a place all my own to stay...that's all i want.