Warm...

I realize I actually love the taste of healthy food. Like tangerines.

I also like the warm affect of alcohol...even if it Is more fun drinking with friends.

Today has been awfully weird. Ever since last night. It's like I've stumbled back all of a sudden..and I'm not quite sure where to step next.

What I remember most is that my friends told me I'd regret not taking the chance...but oh...I regret taking it now...

やっぱり、I should've taken my time with the gift I was making for you...because after thinking I was almost done, when I went back to fix it, with the particular materials I was using, I simply couldn't.

Thoughts began to bubble up inside, and tears began fall before I even realized I had grabbed the scissors. I cut and tore through what I had been so happy to work on just hours before, so eager to finish...wanting to give it to you so badly.

In that one instant I remember the line from the movie.

"I looked for the smallest star. The one far away from the rest. Still doing it's best to shine. Still asking, "Don't forget about me."

"Don't forget about me..."

Why am I trying so hard...I remember trying so hard to tear the gift apart...and yet, some parts I had crafted so well, they refused to give way to the blade. I only grew more frustrated. If I had tried so hard to craft this gift to become beautiful so that it would reflect my feelings...indeed- it still did.

My fingers trembled and I had been crying so hard, I my hands suddenly, felt heavy and dropped your gift. I was clouded with my own frustration, I hadn't even heard the quiet voice inside me plead.

"stop! Please... stop...don't destroy it!"

The gift was done in a race against time. I had lost. I had given up before time was up.

And then back into my bed and did what I do too often: crawl under the covers, shut my eyes continue to cry until falling asleep.

But I didn't sleep. I only continued to cry. And when it was time for class, I rolled out of bed, my head spinning.

All I could feel was how cold I was, down to my very toes.

"Enough. It's okay...God is asking me to work harder. It's not the right time. So it's fine...." I wanted to say.

And all I wanted to do was take a break. Lie out in the sun, listen to music. Maybe someone nice would take my hand. Take me to the place I so badly want to go...where I could breathe in fresh air....

Where he would wrap his arms around me...

Where he would keep me warm....

Because obviously I have not the energy...

Despite eating a chocolate croissant (wow i spelled that right) and drinking coke. I swear caffeine and sugar have no real effect on me anymore. Sad.

Anyways onto the more serious stuff. After all that's why I write these. To put down in words what I cannot say.

There's a lot going on that I don't want to admit. Many things that are probably wrong with me. Things I don't want to even bring into the light. All the better them. And seeing them is what would scare me. Can't I just be okay already?

But, here in this dream, I like talking to you. And being with you.

In the psychology textbook it gave an example. I don't remember the concept. Only the example. "The more you try to forget someone or not think about them, the more you you end up doing so."

And so I have a confession to make. My delusional state is getting to me. Every day I desperately try to picture your face when you're not here. But in my warped memories all I can see is him standing where you should be. Maybe that's why I was subconsciously attracted to you. Maybe subconsciously, I desperately wanted anything that made me feel connected to what I had lost. Maybe I've already been unfair to you.

Though fate may have brought us together...maybe it only did so to watch us fall apart...

Every day I live here, I feel like I'm in some kind of dream. Just watching myself pass through life with barely anything real to hold on to. But after thinking about how I've only been able to remember your face twice since getting to know you, I wonder if my feelings aren't even mine to control. If they're even real. If they're all part of the ghost of love past, that I want to forget. And all I can ask is why. Why don't even my memories seem to be mine?

I've been working on this gift for you. I want to give it to you as soon as possible. I feel like the process of making it is a race against time. I've messed up on it already, and start over...but the urge to give it to you as soon as possible makes it difficult to do so. But in the end, even if it takes longer, this is what you'll remember me by, so I'll probably want to perfect it. Of course, I want it to be something beautiful.

I've wanted to be close with you. But I'm frustrated. Why does something seem to be so wrong? Something I can't quite place my finger on. Why am I making excuses as to why we would never work out? Why do I so badly want to protect you from me, though I barely know you? I ask, would delving further into this dream only feed my disillusion? I almost feel like somehow I've seen what will come. And I'm so so scared. Like a nightmare I cannot remember, only to wake in a cold sweat, shaking, the shadows consuming me...

Sometimes you have to learn to live without someone. Sometimes you just have to. Okay, I've been learning. But now, in my frustration I only want to to scream at him

"I want it back! I want to be able to love someone new..."

It's times like these...when I can't speak of love as something beautiful. But this...this to me, is what real love is. No, it's not the same as true love. True love benefits Someone, even if that someone is not you. But real love...you don't see it until you've lost. Real love wraps itself around your very core. Flows into your head and down to your very finger tips. And it doesn't let go, no matter how much it may hurt. No matter how much you may cry. And all you can do is watch your world fall apart again and again in the memory you cannot forget. Every day, wishing for the impossible. Every night, trying to piece together some form of happiness.

Having once held love, why does life now seem like a reflection in a dessert puddle without it? I was happy once. Climbing the pine trees in my back yard. Rollerblading in the garage. Soft, hot pretzels at the mall. All of these things once made me happy. But no matter what I try, why is it so hard to be happy now? Why does everything seem so fleeting? Am I really broken into so many pieces that some are too small to be recovered...or too unique to be replaced?

I'm so ashamed to admit...sometimes I wonder how you are doing. If you think of me...even just a little. Am I really the only one of us, missing the person who once meant more than the life itself?

Will I have to see you again to find the answers? Will it bring peace? Or only make me relive what I cannot forget....

I know I cannot salvage happiness from memories of you. Because hope no longer lies in a future with you. Because I've realized such a future no longer exists. It hasn't since the day I began to feel real love. Back then...when I had too much faith.

But honestly...maybe it's better to fall. Maybe the ground won't hurt as much as I think it will. Or maybe...just maybe...true love will be there to catch me...

While in the shower...

first of all, if your mind is in the gutter, it'll be dissapointed. 'cause it's only full of rotting leaves, bugs and rainwater. moving on.

i realized i haven't written in a while...and obviously don't plan to start on writing here every day...suppose only when i feel like i have something to say. suppose that's the point :P

while in the shower, i realized that learning how to write a good story is similar to living life, although much is already provided for us. Scenes, characters, themes...and so on. But the plot is what gets really interesting. There are a few rules that pertain to things I've experienced lately and will more likely than not continue to experience.

One, if it doesn't make the story go forward, mystery or holding back information is useless. it doesn't create suspense, only confusion. and in life, wholly unfair and downright mean to the audience that is confused and deserves not only your trust, but your respect.

second, usually there are many right answers (actions, words, decisions, etc). but sometimes there's only one. one that feels "right" to you, even if you're unaware of said answer. if you so choose on being forceful, to Force the story to go in a direction you want, sometimes it can end up being the right thing to do. other times, you may get the ending you thought you want, but the characters end up unhappy, and/or the ending won't be right. sometimes, you just gotta let the story lead You.

third, you gotta give the story your all. be yourself, but be passionate about it. the more you give to story, of course the more painful it will be...but the more you'll get out of it and the more chances you'll have at being satisfied when the ending comes barreling towards you (most likely before you're ready).

there might be a lot left unsaid, a lot that should be in this entry that's not. but this, guys, is what i consider a short blog entry :P

guess this is good-bye

even though i wrote that email, now...while crying, i realize i'm the one who lost what was important. because you really didn't care after all.

i'm sorry i've caused you so much trouble. but it's over now. so i won't anymore.

it's time to finally clean you out of my life and cut me out of yours.

take care and good-bye, my first love.

Brief Memories

Even though there are so many memories, which I might even story tell later. Sitting on the park bench. Swinging on the swings. Sneaking out at night. Staying up until the sun rose. Getting ice cream. Riding in your truck. Practicing stick shift. Canoeing on the lake. Watching old movies. Walking your dog. Taking the train ride up to see you. Opening the door to see your face. Watching your car drive out of the driveway. All those skype video chat sessions. Not knowing you more than just your name and your face. Knowing you more about you than I would've liked to. Sleeping next to your warm body. Holding your hand. Cooking dinner with you. Waking up to find you already gone. Taking pictures. And videos. Playing games. Challenging each other to truth or dare. Clinging on to your arm when walking late at night. Taking visits to the school in the dark. Watching anime. Going to anime conventions. Seeing those paper cranes...Hearing you say I love you. Too embarrassed to say it back. Teasing you. Being teased. Sharing dreams. And story ideas. Drawings. Visiting your grandparents. Being yelled at by mom while you were there. Snow drifting outside the window while curled up safe and warm. Staying too late, when we know we should go. Going to the wedding. Watching you do the backflip to impress the small crowd. You, offering snacks. Blushing as you came to see me and my friend. Not letting you come between me and said friend. First dance, to make my then current crush jealous. Turning you down. First date at the movies. And Taco Bell. Giving you the heart shaped rock. The summer emails while you were in Maine. Making fun of you for liking step mania. Then becoming obsessed with it myself. First prom. And second. First break-up. And second. Moving into my college dorm with you helping. Having you be the only person, up until recently, to cry when watching you depart. Counting the steps you took. Tugging on your shirt, begging you to stay early that morning. Having you hand me your t-shirt. Wearing it down to shreds. Crying into that toy puppy you gave me. The treasure hunt for your sword. The joy I felt when getting my bow from you. The disappointment in not being able to use it. Worrying about you on your train rides. Fearing I wouldn't make it to you during mine. Yelling at you for falling asleep at 4 in the morning while chatting. Not wanting to end conversations. Wishing you a Merry Christmas. Getting all those valentines from you. Never taking up the chance to have you teach me blacksmithing. Forcing you to watch romance anime. And movies. Lying awake, looking around your familiar bedroom. With the picture of us on your cork board. Going to your family gatherings. Me being awkward there. Never having experienced such an event in such a long time with my own family. Watching you play. Sleep. Drive. Talk big about dreams. Watching you watch me as you lifeguard. Losing all the jewelry we gave each other. Countless necklaces and rings...The morning notes you left me. Mwa. and XOXO. Me suffering. Thinking I was so alone. You always being there anyway. Keeping me strong. Me fighting for you...running after you. Listening to you sing. Cringing. Humming you to sleep. Pushing your hand away. Watching sci-fi. Not admitting I liked it. Being poor, but happy. Living in a house surrounded with animals. Walking the hour walk up and down the hill to work. Countless shopping expeditions. All those nicknames. Never deciding on just one. Antonio's pizza. Trying to write a fic. Failing at the plot. Never taking the bow out once and practicing together. Fourth of July Fireworks. Plans to go to Maine. Never making it there. You being sick, and me pretending not to care, really, feeling scared...You telling me to donate blood. Being in the hospital, feeling so miserable and lonely. Shopping for groceries. Working in the yard. Berries in a bowl that one morning. Ducking to avoid your arm around me. Holding your cold hand in the winter. Coughing because of morning breath. Feeling your weight on me. Feeling too warm. Wishing I could feel it so bad. The mangas left as presents. The first, awkward kiss. Losing my cell at the anime convention. You buying a new one for me. Offering to make me a dress for a birthday present. The three things you'd want the most. A giant library, an astroid. And me never being able to remember the third. Me eating the gum out of your car. Singing along to the radio. You and your oldies. And books on tape. You and me...loving the dragon and the phoenix. Me not once, coming to see a wrestling match. Seeing you only once in a lax and soccer match. Me refusing to help with putting together the comforter. You telling really bad, dumb jokes. Me, laughing anyways. Me play-punching the side of your arm. Complaining about you not having shaved. You cringing, at me giving you a hair cut. Urging you to study Japanese. Both of us, equally worried about college. And future jobs. Your first house. Then moving to your second. Me moving, that cold winter. Getting snail mail in the metal mailbox. Your messy, illegible handwriting...sitting on the cold floor, deciding to be bf and gf...wanting the joy...not knowing the pain that was ahead of us...you paying for a lot of things for me...those tag sales. Picking up rusty rail road spikes. Having you curl up beside me, coming in from a cold, cold day. Laying out in the grass on that warm sunny day in your backyard. Sneaking up to bed, too late in the morning. Wondering what you're doing. If you think about me at all. Making fun of your clothes. Fixing my hair, as I step off the train. Almost getting run over, because you wanted that hug. Saying good-bye. You saying "we'll see each other again, don't worry." Not knowing that last time...might have been The last time. Wondering why, only after you're gone, has my love for you grown. As well as the pain that comes with it. Having dreams of you. Only to wake up and find you gone. Hoping, somewhere, deep in your heart, you still love me and are waiting for me. Looking out the window...hoping...trying so hard to visualize and hear your white truck...pulling into the driveway...not knowing how long I will feel this way. Hearing your name everywhere...seeing your face..everywhere...Life itself in all aspects, everything that makes up my world, reminding me of you...and knowing that, hurting, so much...

Sometimes...there might not be an answer

For a small while I believed I could love again. And receive love. But then I read that it's not fair to start another relationship with someone new when you still love that someone you shouldn't. I want to be loved. I want to be loved so much...is it really not okay while I still love him? I feel like no matter how much I try to cover it up or deny it, I'll always love him. I'd always be with him if he asked me to. Some people said you never get over your first love, if it was true love. Some say just put it behind you. But God knows, I've tried just about everything. I know it's silly to believe in "meant to be" and "the one." But no matter how much I try and force my heart to feel a certain way, or let go of certain feelings, it just doesn't. It always finds ways to create those feelings even when I don't think they're there. Perhaps...when school starts, I'll be able to give up for real. And maybe, I won't think about it anymore...maybe...

music...

I really like music that makes me feel peaceful. Sometimes that music is hard to find, but it's great to stumble upon it. This particular piece, I don't know the name of, but it makes me think of streaming sun rays blinking through the leaves of trees. Of wide open fields and flowers. A warm breeze carrying their light, sweet scent. Of the clouds, drifting by. The distant buzzing of insects.

I remember one dream of mine. Where I was standing alone. In my white karate uniform, with such a serious look on my face. One of hardened sadness. But ready to face the world, determined to protect my heart. Leaves glittered, swirling around me. The brightest, unnatural fall leaves shimmering in the background, still full on the trees. I don't know why I was there, but for some reason, I think it was supposed to like the one memory of me that would last.

Maybe, I want to give love to someone special so much. But I don't want to receive it from anyone but you. I often ask, why you? I can come up with so many reasons, yet
none of them last long enough not to come back to that question, as if it was never answered.

But maybe, this is how I'm supposed to picture you. Maybe it's best to picture you, as I always have. I don't know what to do with the stuff you gave me that I can't part with. But I wonder if I can find that ring...I kind of want to wear it on a chain, as a necklace. But maybe even that, is a bad idea. I want to hope it'll bring me comfort. But maybe it'll only act as a small bit of hope, and only leave me lonely. Who knows...maybe the Ai necklace? Heh...but what am I thinking...

I wonder if some day, you'll see this. I wonder what you'll be doing then. I wonder if I'll still be alive. I wonder if we'll have seen each other by then. Sometimes, there's still so much I feel I want to ask you. To talk to you about...but I know it would only cause trouble for you..and make me even more aware of the fact that you're not with me. At least like this, I can pretend on the surface, I haven't lost anything...

I wonder if you think about me...even just a little...

I wonder if you've found the happiness you've been looking for...even now, I would still do anything to protect that happiness, even if I'm not the reason for it. It's really the only reason I've stopped myself from calling..from trying to see you.

I hope you're not hiding anything to keep me from getting hurt...I truly hope you're okay.