day 2

kinda tired...and cold of course...duno why being at home is exhausting. shouldn't be....

talking about life/death/love situations that'll never happen is interesting. and what i said about who i'd save and why is true.

my left hand seems to be doing a bit better. but my right hand is still bad...ugh.

so far only a minor fight/yelling session broke out. and at least it wasn't with me.

i know it's pointless to try and win someone's love. and i hope i dont feel that way about you too...

but when u said u missed me...even though you talked about all the girls you liked...i guess for one moment i had hope. i was happy...

Day 1

and so begins winter break. some unpacking for mom and some mindless tasks for the business...but other than that there shouldn't be anything too difficult about this break...hopefully.

so i was thinking about the story-writing...and i wish i had the patience to write mine. it'd be interesting, i bet. but if i had submitted it, it wouldn't have been fiction. so unfortunately would not have counted, no matter how interesting it is.

still. even if it wasn't complete, i wonder if he'll be able to tell. those thoughts are very real. they were mine, after all.

I want to see Dear John. I also want to read the book. I wonder why the letter seems so romantic. But it is. Maybe, because like this journal, we're allowed to be free with our thoughts. We can say stuff like "I love you and I miss you so much." And those thoughts touch people. The letter may be sentimental...but it's real. Because it's how we truly feel.

there's a lot i'd want to say. and it's almost fun to narrate the story of your life. of love.

but i don't remember much. so it wouldn't make for a very good story, i suppose. all i remember are instances. letters in the cold winter when i was without email. countless train rides. walks in the park. late night phone calls. late night arguments...it's all there. it's...everything that makes me love you...it's everything i can't forget...

Lines like...

Falling in love isn't hard to do...once you find a decent guy.

With you, falling in love felt right somehow.

Back then...I thought that it was easy to fall in love. What I didn't know was that it is easier to get your heart broken.

"I'm just not in love with you anymore" really hurts.

But knowing that no matter how he touches you, no matter how gently he looks at you...no matter how familiar that feeling may be...you're not the one.

And you can tell when it's forced. Because part of being in love...that feeling that everyone's after...part of it is a feeling you can't control.

Like looking at his picture...and feeling your heart beat fast. No matter what you tell yourself. No matter what the truth is. That it doesn't matter how you feel. Because it won't change anything.

But still... I wish I could see you. I wish I could hold you one more time....I don't know if you're waiting for me...you've told me you're not. And I don't know what to believe...I wish I knew...

When I said I'd miss you, I meant it. I didn't mean to. But I did.

It's terrifying to fall in love. And I almost did. Again.

Back then..I wish I hadn't fallen in love. Because doing it for the first time is easy.

But the secrets we must keep...the complexities....and the hearts that we can't control...it's why we won't fall in love. It's just not there. And I guess that's fine. We shouldn't fall in love anyways.

It's Been A While...

...and the semester is coming to a close. What have I learned? That I can't seem to be good at anything I've tried, guitar is Physically painful, I hated all of my drawings, psychology was just a pain, comp sci was hell, and creative writing..well...I'm terrified to ever show anyone another story again

...and I've realized that I haven't really changed.

I still don't believe in true love.

I'm still easily hurt..and don't always say so.

I still have stupid hopes.

I still have faith in people when I shouldn't.

And lack faith in them when I should simply be grateful when they genuinely care about me.

I don't know how I manage to find the strength to keep going every day...

because I feel like I fail so hard, every time...

I'm still hoping I get that job in Japan, even though, for the first time today, the idea actually terrified me.

I've been trying to learn and record this new song...but I've barely had time to do my homework, so I've been unable to make the final track. Soon though, hopefully.

The snow was beautiful the other night, in the orange glow of the street lamps. And as annoying as it was, trying to get to sleep, it made me smile, to see college kids happy at the sight.

I wish you had been here. We would've had fun, I bet.

But only in my dreams, I guess.

And dammit, it's so cold, I feel like bits of me will snap off and crumble away...

and I feel so empty...

Ah stories...

This is actually a really good idea i think...my story i mean.

I used to be able to instantly feel what the characters might feel...

But it seems like I can't with this one. Why? Everything feels so forced. I'm actually taking time with character development and plot....but for some reason it's like the emotion is lost...

Not to mention there's so much I'm trying to control...not making it seem like a story that we've already read...not using "stock phrases" or cliche phrases...not making the characters stereotypical...adding just enough, and just the right details..

and that's not even counting mechanics...grammar and syntax and the like...

And I really want it to work out...because it seems that no matter what story we read, it's like we don't feel sorry for the characters, when something bad happens to them. It'd be nice if mine was one of the first...

Heh...maybe it's because I spend all of my emotional energy in real life. Yappari, it seems that you just can't beat real life. It's just far too complex to be matched by any purely fictional story.

Haven't really practiced guitar as much as I'd like to..maybe I can tomorrow..I just want some time by myself...

It also seems like I'm unable to sing decently either...which is rather disappointing...

Losing my touch...I guess....

4 days and counting...

i miss my single already. i dont miss the stress of school..but home puts in enough as it is...

i miss knowing i can nap when i want..eat when i want..play mah music...and just be myself without worrying about what i have to do for other people. i'm lazy, i'm selfish i guess...but i like it...

i think i'm falling in love with you. i dont know. i know i shouldn't....i know...

and i still miss you. and it hurts so much i want to cry... i guess i only hope my dreams can help me escape..and provide some relief...

wish you were here...even though i know you don't love me.

even though...you probably don't care...

"he's charming and endearing and i'm comfortable...but i miss screaming and fighting and kissin in the rain..."

"on one condition. you have to promise not to fall in love with me."

"Haha. I don't think that'll be a problem."

Over and over again I try to write the love story I want to tell. What I want is to capture the emotion. But it seems it's impossible after all for me. Not without the true love story. But then, even with the true love story, how can one truly capture 10 years in any number of pages? Because people actually, probably don't care.

Because while peoples' stories are not very interesting at all.

The people themselves are.

How can you come up with such wonderful quirks as someone who has loved to blacksmith since he was in middle school.

Or someone who often says "pretty okay" "huzzah" and "peeps."

Or someone who leaves mangas behind as gifts with every visit.

Or someone who makes bad sci-fi references in every other sentence?

How do you describe something as terrifying, yet exciting as an 8 hour train ride?

Or as frustrating as a missed text due to bad service, that one lonely night?

Or something as sad...as not knowing that one time...would be the last time you could say "i love you," and hear him say it back.

Or something as wonderful as being kissed for the first time?

How do you re-create on paper...the hollowness of feeling replaced...

Or the excitement, when you hear him sign onto AIM?

Or the almost energetic silence of walking side by side...

Or carving pumpkins...

the countless, stupid arguments at 4 AM in the morning through skype...

understanding the fear of running out of food points...

or watching him wave as drives away...visit after visit after visit...

the room that's too organized to be real...

the hand-written letters the time when your parents divorced...

those awkward origami frogs...

or online games of canasta...

the dreams of him..where you can see him...hear him...touch him...and wake to know it is not so.

of watching him love someone else...

of realizing you made a mistake...and because of it you cannot go back...

all those excuses not to let go...

of broken promises...

the fear that you could hurt him...

that you might have to...

or that you already have...

realizing you're actually unwanted...and not needed...

Or wishing you could forget...because he's quite happy without you...

Because we don't seem to be afraid of the beginning...of falling in love for the first time...

We're afraid...when we understand what it means to lose...

And realizing, you actually...probably love him now.

but know you're probably still in love....

and not being able to sleep...because really....

you don't actually know anymore...

and are afraid to admit...that you're getting too tired to pretend...

love story

so i kinda laughed bitterly when we talked about love chick flick romance movies in psychology class...where the girl and guy meet, have some kind of misunderstanding, then get back together in the end.

why?

it's not realistic at all.

please don't get me wrong...even if i can't forget...

i'm so happy that you're by my side now. you've been wonderful. saying everything, doing everything to reassure me that this time it'll be different. it's really quite sweet of you...

but i also feel like i'm always expecting to be disappointed...if i hope, even just a little and i can't become too attached...or else...we'll get hurt, won't we?

even with this one door...every time i get close, every time i want to open it all i hear is:

"No. You can't. Unless you want to cry. Remember this well."

But you and I... together we're comfortable like this...it's peaceful-exactly what I wanted... Even if it's a different kind of romantic relationship...even if it's missing that one essential piece...it's still something good...

Because what we want is impossible, isn't it?

I just need to..."remember this well..."

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