so many random things...nothing really thoughtful.
my limbs are sore from dancing- forgot to stretch...haha (but i've almost got this dance down)
also, i wish there was more music like this...
i love interpreting dreams!
i'm also excited about teaching japanese ^_^
i'm so glad i've managed to wake without a hangover. win! :)
also, i love chillin naked in my room. is this the reason why i want a single? yes probably, lol.
today should be good. a fair amount of work, but it's not reading or writing a paper...good?
i'm thinking of writing a memoir (yes it's egotistical) of you and me...maybe. i think it could be interesting...who knows..lol. maybe an answer will come from it that i've been searching for.
yappari...maybe there Is no point in two ppl who are in love with someone else to get together...right?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Ashes, ashes, we all fall down...
I'm so anxious...so many distracting thoughts..i can't even begin to get motivated on hw...
my room seems to have such a dark aura in it...but i guess i always come back...
"I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding?
'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened, please tell me?
'cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always"
Despite the fact that we'd rather that the perfect love story is what falling in love is really like...I think, deep down, we like the other love stories more...the ones with a sad ending, a pitiful ending, or painful ending...
Because maybe that's what we're used to more. Exactly how many love stories are perfect? Do those even make us feel anything real at all?
A year ago, I might have believed in happily ever after. But now, I don't think so anymore. I'd have a hard time believing someone who said "I'm in love with you." If someone said "we'll be together forever." If someone said "i'll never leave you." If someone said "i'll never hurt you." And anything of the sort...
I used to scoff at why people would be so torn after getting broken up with. I didn't see what the big deal was. Because it happens more often than not, right? But it really does..change you.
Maybe tonight I'll do something wrong. On purpose...of course it scares me, but nothing else has been able to make me feel any sort of anything real...and then I ask...what do i live for? Is the rest of my life just going to be like this? I want to live. Even if I get hurt.
my room seems to have such a dark aura in it...but i guess i always come back...
"I hold onto the night, you looked me in the eye and told me you loved me
Were you just kidding?
'cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don't feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened, please tell me?
'cause one second it was perfect, now you're halfway out the door
And I stare at the phone, he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low you cant feel nothing at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always"
Despite the fact that we'd rather that the perfect love story is what falling in love is really like...I think, deep down, we like the other love stories more...the ones with a sad ending, a pitiful ending, or painful ending...
Because maybe that's what we're used to more. Exactly how many love stories are perfect? Do those even make us feel anything real at all?
A year ago, I might have believed in happily ever after. But now, I don't think so anymore. I'd have a hard time believing someone who said "I'm in love with you." If someone said "we'll be together forever." If someone said "i'll never leave you." If someone said "i'll never hurt you." And anything of the sort...
I used to scoff at why people would be so torn after getting broken up with. I didn't see what the big deal was. Because it happens more often than not, right? But it really does..change you.
Maybe tonight I'll do something wrong. On purpose...of course it scares me, but nothing else has been able to make me feel any sort of anything real...and then I ask...what do i live for? Is the rest of my life just going to be like this? I want to live. Even if I get hurt.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Even though I'll probably be late for class...
I felt like I wanted to write another post. And omg yes..this has now become a regular thing for two days in a row. Alert the press. :P
Anyways...apparently just thinking about you a little has made a huge effect on my subconscious. For I dreamed about you last night. Sadly, I cannot say it was a happy one, as they often aren't.
But what I remember is there was two aircraft fighters...or something.. One was shooting at the other. We were both on the ground, wondering where they had come from and hoping we wouldn't get hit. But either you didn't hide very well, or just had terrible luck.
I heard you scream before I saw the gory hole in your back.
As the aircraft fighter came in for another round, I threw myself over you to protect you, despite the fact that we were both in a panic over your wound. That would be the last time I did, for as the aircraft fighters continued to shoot at us, I cowered more than anything.
I managed to pull you away, and got you into a house where we met this woman. She washed your wounds and dressed them. And I stood there, glad you would be all right.
But upon writing this, I realized a few things.
Maybe I'm still in love.
In a perfect dream, I would've washed your wound myself.
In a perfect dream, I would've continued to protect you.
Maybe that, rather than my bad luck, is why love has been unable to find me. Because I'm that much of a coward...
On the other note, I know it's too much to ask of life to bring you back to me. I know it might not work out, even if it did. And somehow, it would be like my life was coming to a close. But I also know that I could be perfectly happy settling down with someone very sweet who loves me.
Even if I carry this sadness and these memories, even if a glimmer of my love for catches me off guard every now and then.
Maybe I just want to be happy with that someone very sweet after all.
But maybe it's not longer a question of whether it's possible. It can't all be because of my bad luck, right?
Maybe it's because I'm afraid to get hit to get hurt to protect someone I love.
Maybe it's because of me.
Maybe love has been searching for me the whole time but Can't find me.
Anyways...apparently just thinking about you a little has made a huge effect on my subconscious. For I dreamed about you last night. Sadly, I cannot say it was a happy one, as they often aren't.
But what I remember is there was two aircraft fighters...or something.. One was shooting at the other. We were both on the ground, wondering where they had come from and hoping we wouldn't get hit. But either you didn't hide very well, or just had terrible luck.
I heard you scream before I saw the gory hole in your back.
As the aircraft fighter came in for another round, I threw myself over you to protect you, despite the fact that we were both in a panic over your wound. That would be the last time I did, for as the aircraft fighters continued to shoot at us, I cowered more than anything.
I managed to pull you away, and got you into a house where we met this woman. She washed your wounds and dressed them. And I stood there, glad you would be all right.
But upon writing this, I realized a few things.
Maybe I'm still in love.
In a perfect dream, I would've washed your wound myself.
In a perfect dream, I would've continued to protect you.
Maybe that, rather than my bad luck, is why love has been unable to find me. Because I'm that much of a coward...
On the other note, I know it's too much to ask of life to bring you back to me. I know it might not work out, even if it did. And somehow, it would be like my life was coming to a close. But I also know that I could be perfectly happy settling down with someone very sweet who loves me.
Even if I carry this sadness and these memories, even if a glimmer of my love for catches me off guard every now and then.
Maybe I just want to be happy with that someone very sweet after all.
But maybe it's not longer a question of whether it's possible. It can't all be because of my bad luck, right?
Maybe it's because I'm afraid to get hit to get hurt to protect someone I love.
Maybe it's because of me.
Maybe love has been searching for me the whole time but Can't find me.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Apples...
These ones would make particularly good bakes apples..or even apple pie. :)
It's late, and I didn't even really get what I wanted done today..despite more or less having all the time in the world to do it. Isn't that always the case...
I also wish I was tired and sleepy at the right times. Like now. Like not during class.
I don't find a lot about myself that's attractive or amusing...
But I found it interesting that I've started making little random thought/notes in the margins of my class notes. I bet those are what I'll really enjoy looking back on the most.
For instance, apparently, in psychology, when none of us were participating, my professor asked "what? you guys don't want to be memory theorists?" I suddenly jotted down the thought that asked, why are we always upset when someone shows a natural talent for something. Or turned the other way, why do we have to meet certain criteria to be trustworthy? This relates to the question in class because originally I thought. "well, shit. why would we? it's not like anyone would believe our theories, even if we had something interesting to say."
On the one end of the spectrum are we jealous of natural talent, because we want to believe we have the same worth, that we could accomplish something just as great? Are we jealous that we have to work so hard, while some people can just cruise through and come out on top?
Like for being a writer. What's with all these really rigid technicalities? When some of the best-selling authors out there write stories that seem no greater than the ones we create in workshop? Those authors that make many of the mistakes we, ourselves, try to weed out of our work?
Sadly, I have no smart-ass answers.
And so, onto the next bit of thought.
I think I've been fairly independent this semester, which was my goal. Sure, I've fallen into the love-trap a couple times...and it doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to my friends, when they've been there for me...truly, I'd never get very far without them.
There was one night, when i listened to your message. And suddenly, now, more than ever, what you and i had felt like a dream. Or like you died...or just disappeared- and that i really wouldn't ever see you again. That in this world, it would be...impossible. But while I was ever more aware of my heartbeat, I didn't cry. I shut my phone and fell asleep. And despite sometimes wondering how you are, if you're still as taken care of as when I left you, I'm happy to have even come this far emotionally. Even if "when I can't express anything, I can't say good-bye."
I admit that sometimes I wish that the curtain would rise. That God would say "surprise!" ANd my happy ending would finally come. There. Me, with all my friends. And with you. Smiling and laughing...but this dream is still lost within the one that continues.
But, considering, even thus far in the semester, all the ups and downs, with relationships of all kinds, with work, with academics...as of now..I think I'm doing okay. Maneuvering my way through them all, day by day, with, for the most part, a fairly balanced neutrality.
"Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future."
Maybe I'm still me after all....and maybe that's okay. :)
It's late, and I didn't even really get what I wanted done today..despite more or less having all the time in the world to do it. Isn't that always the case...
I also wish I was tired and sleepy at the right times. Like now. Like not during class.
I don't find a lot about myself that's attractive or amusing...
But I found it interesting that I've started making little random thought/notes in the margins of my class notes. I bet those are what I'll really enjoy looking back on the most.
For instance, apparently, in psychology, when none of us were participating, my professor asked "what? you guys don't want to be memory theorists?" I suddenly jotted down the thought that asked, why are we always upset when someone shows a natural talent for something. Or turned the other way, why do we have to meet certain criteria to be trustworthy? This relates to the question in class because originally I thought. "well, shit. why would we? it's not like anyone would believe our theories, even if we had something interesting to say."
On the one end of the spectrum are we jealous of natural talent, because we want to believe we have the same worth, that we could accomplish something just as great? Are we jealous that we have to work so hard, while some people can just cruise through and come out on top?
Like for being a writer. What's with all these really rigid technicalities? When some of the best-selling authors out there write stories that seem no greater than the ones we create in workshop? Those authors that make many of the mistakes we, ourselves, try to weed out of our work?
Sadly, I have no smart-ass answers.
And so, onto the next bit of thought.
I think I've been fairly independent this semester, which was my goal. Sure, I've fallen into the love-trap a couple times...and it doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to my friends, when they've been there for me...truly, I'd never get very far without them.
There was one night, when i listened to your message. And suddenly, now, more than ever, what you and i had felt like a dream. Or like you died...or just disappeared- and that i really wouldn't ever see you again. That in this world, it would be...impossible. But while I was ever more aware of my heartbeat, I didn't cry. I shut my phone and fell asleep. And despite sometimes wondering how you are, if you're still as taken care of as when I left you, I'm happy to have even come this far emotionally. Even if "when I can't express anything, I can't say good-bye."
I admit that sometimes I wish that the curtain would rise. That God would say "surprise!" ANd my happy ending would finally come. There. Me, with all my friends. And with you. Smiling and laughing...but this dream is still lost within the one that continues.
But, considering, even thus far in the semester, all the ups and downs, with relationships of all kinds, with work, with academics...as of now..I think I'm doing okay. Maneuvering my way through them all, day by day, with, for the most part, a fairly balanced neutrality.
"Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future."
Maybe I'm still me after all....and maybe that's okay. :)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
These tangerines taste great but...
they're just not very filling, huh....
"He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain..."
I don't particularly care for the melody much..and it's not like the lyrics are the best I've ever heard. But they remind us that we always think about how wonderful it'd be to have the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. Of course we want to be treated well...I mean it's not like we're masochists....
Right?
Well, at least this is the way I'd rather think about it. It's just these moments that define love. It's actually the moments of conflict and being able to come back together that really strengthen the bonds between two people. It's just that...it seems it's the moments of soft, gentle, seemingly perfect love that we remember. That we want to think that love is.
But now I'm reminded, even if it makes me feel what I never wanted to feel again: that I'm in love you.
Even more so, it reminds me of the crucial point I missed once before, and I missed again: no matter how perfect you might try to be..or how perfect the guy or girl who falls for you might seem, no matter how comfortable your relationship is...
It's not the love that makes us feel like we're alive.
Sometimes it's just not enough.
"He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain..."
I don't particularly care for the melody much..and it's not like the lyrics are the best I've ever heard. But they remind us that we always think about how wonderful it'd be to have the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. Of course we want to be treated well...I mean it's not like we're masochists....
Right?
Well, at least this is the way I'd rather think about it. It's just these moments that define love. It's actually the moments of conflict and being able to come back together that really strengthen the bonds between two people. It's just that...it seems it's the moments of soft, gentle, seemingly perfect love that we remember. That we want to think that love is.
But now I'm reminded, even if it makes me feel what I never wanted to feel again: that I'm in love you.
Even more so, it reminds me of the crucial point I missed once before, and I missed again: no matter how perfect you might try to be..or how perfect the guy or girl who falls for you might seem, no matter how comfortable your relationship is...
It's not the love that makes us feel like we're alive.
Sometimes it's just not enough.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Goodmorning, headache
There is so much work to be done...and I seem to have little energy or motivation to do any of it. Maybe because none of it helps with what I'm faced with now.
I wonder why, in all of my dreams someone is either dying or closet to being dead. And always involve some kind of struggle and pursuit. I suppose my subconscious is a lot more in turmoil than I thought...
I don't know what to do about you, really. I had told myself before that I can't be around you, if I find myself constantly unhappy because of the complexities.
And yet, I still want to help you. Even though it's complex. Even though we are in love with different people. I still want to see you smile. Maybe because I failed at loving someone before, I don't want to this time.
But I'm sorry. I fluctuate too much with my emotions. It doesn't make for something solid to hold onto. But I can keep trying.
With all this unrequited love, I just want to smile and make good memories too. And I want to help you do that too. Maybe I'm just the kind of person who will do this...even if it exhausts me. I don't know why seeing someone else smile because of something I did makes me feel better than if I were to smile myself.
Maybe because my smiles are often hidden in sadness. It's seems like it's rare that something doesn't have a painful emotion attached to it anymore.
With all this work, I don't have a lot of energy left. I want to do things like go shopping with my best friend. I want to read a good book out in the sunshine feeling a gentle breeze. Sit by a tree in a full forest..and just listen to this music.
And I still want to be in the rain. I want to feel that feeling....like I can wash everything away. Like I can start over completely clean.
Ever since that day last semester...when I felt a change I could not describe...when I lost someone I loved because I had too much faith...the surrealistic dream began.
And it's not over.
To what then...do I hold onto?
I wonder why, in all of my dreams someone is either dying or closet to being dead. And always involve some kind of struggle and pursuit. I suppose my subconscious is a lot more in turmoil than I thought...
I don't know what to do about you, really. I had told myself before that I can't be around you, if I find myself constantly unhappy because of the complexities.
And yet, I still want to help you. Even though it's complex. Even though we are in love with different people. I still want to see you smile. Maybe because I failed at loving someone before, I don't want to this time.
But I'm sorry. I fluctuate too much with my emotions. It doesn't make for something solid to hold onto. But I can keep trying.
With all this unrequited love, I just want to smile and make good memories too. And I want to help you do that too. Maybe I'm just the kind of person who will do this...even if it exhausts me. I don't know why seeing someone else smile because of something I did makes me feel better than if I were to smile myself.
Maybe because my smiles are often hidden in sadness. It's seems like it's rare that something doesn't have a painful emotion attached to it anymore.
With all this work, I don't have a lot of energy left. I want to do things like go shopping with my best friend. I want to read a good book out in the sunshine feeling a gentle breeze. Sit by a tree in a full forest..and just listen to this music.
And I still want to be in the rain. I want to feel that feeling....like I can wash everything away. Like I can start over completely clean.
Ever since that day last semester...when I felt a change I could not describe...when I lost someone I loved because I had too much faith...the surrealistic dream began.
And it's not over.
To what then...do I hold onto?
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