After watching Koizora, his behavior was a lot like yours. And I also want to know. Why? Why are you acting so indifferent to me? Why are you avoiding me. You could see me if you wanted to. You could call me if you wanted to. It can't be just because I ask questions you can't answer, right?
I'm wonder if I'll regret giving up. If that life will pass by without ever seeing you again, and then me finding out we could have worked it out, but then having it really be too late. I can't imagine anything worse. I suppose that in love, we're always afraid of losing that person.
I suppose it really be up to fate if we meet again. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to see you. I wonder if you're scared too. I don't know how I'd act if I saw you. I don't know whether I would cry or smile or be barely able to even breathe. I wonder how you'd act too. I wonder if you'd already be settled down, or still free-floating. I wonder if I'd still be beautiful to you.
I can't be selfish and force you to choose either her or give me another chance. That, I know, isn't the answer either.
Still, the lyrics to this song really match what I feel. It's cold and dark outside and I'm tired of walking. I really wish you were beside me. Just to have your presence here would be wonderful. I want to believe that.
I wish I had been able to have a last kiss with you. I don't even remember if we hugged one last time. Maybe it was better though that we didn't act like it was a final good-bye. Maybe it was best that's how we remember each other. With words and a smile that said we'd meet again sometime soon.
I wonder if I'll continue to love you without thinking about it. I'd like to believe there's something special about a first love. I wonder why I'd still have these feelings, why I can't help but believe in them. Maybe I'm just disillusion.
I know I'm not very strong on my own. But I also believe that of course I could be happy with someone else. Even share a very peaceful or exciting love. If only I were to be so lucky as to have love find me. I wonder if I'd forget about you then, and these feelings would finally go away. I wonder if that's what I really want after all.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
again
Again
I swore I'd never give up on this dream of trying to get my feelings to reach you. I've been told if you give up on the one thing that most important to you, you end up losing yourself. But, now I see, this is the one dream I'm not allowed to have. That it won't bring me the happiness. Only loneliness.Every day, I search for proof and for a reason to live. And that it's okay for me to exist and be loved. So I'll take the tears that sparkle a light of their own. I'll gather them gently in my hands. I'll take the songs, full of memories and feelings in my heart, and sing them even more, even louder. And these will be my proof and my reasons.
Because of you, I think I've learned to love. Being together with you. And apart. Having experienced all this, I learned to love.
You have shown me you can move forward with the happiness you have found. So, even through the tears, I must do my best to smile too. To you, who has always continued to love me and give me courage. Who I hope to never forget, even as the memories start to fade away with my dream. I'll send off this dream with a smile. Maybe that, at least, will reach you some day. My hand will always be there for you, now and forever. All you'll have to do, is reach out.
If in the future, we meet, then surely it will mean we are ready to see each other again. If not, my heart can finally say it now. Thank you.
バイバイ！(Bye-bye!) ^_^
the last one?
I guess both of us are facing things we don't want to. Me realizing I'm not very strong on my own. And you having to think about answers to questions and statements that dig deeper than you really want them too.
I wonder if we'll ever be as close as we once were.
You tell me to move on, as if it were easy. But then again if it were the other way around and I was the one who had found someone who liked me just as much, I'd be saying the same thing to you right.
I just feel like something doesn't fit. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle...to why things changed so fast between us..or without me realizing it. I wonder if I'll ever find it.
"Today, finally the answer will come out. The thing that I need to ask. I'm going to hear it without running away. But when I hear it, I may change. So today's the last, for me to be "me". I bet today's the last time."
I can't help but often wonder why the people I get close to always leave me. Is it fate? I cry out for an answer, but the only reply is the endless echo of darkness."
I wish i could do that more than anything. just pack things away with a smile...because if i really had the ability to move on, I think I'd never need to see you again.
I almost feel like a child again. Like I don't know what to do. That I don't know what to believe in.
I often wonder if my feelings will ever reach you. Maybe they're not meant to. Maybe because I don't have the ability to love someone properly, I don't deserve to be loved in return.
ok, so i've decided! of course I'll be there for you in the future if you ever need or want me there, even though I know I shouldn't give you that option. But I guess I lied. I'm giving up trying to get you to love me. It really feels like I've lost the one thing I swore I would keep precious to me. This feeling of hope...and of loving you. hontou ni gomen!
If we meet again, then it will have to be fate. I've done all I can do. Until then, even though my jealous heart wants to be loved by you, and will always wish that, I will say, I hope you find the happiness you're looking for! Au toki made, sayounara!
I wonder if we'll ever be as close as we once were.
You tell me to move on, as if it were easy. But then again if it were the other way around and I was the one who had found someone who liked me just as much, I'd be saying the same thing to you right.
I just feel like something doesn't fit. Like I'm missing a piece of the puzzle...to why things changed so fast between us..or without me realizing it. I wonder if I'll ever find it.
"Today, finally the answer will come out. The thing that I need to ask. I'm going to hear it without running away. But when I hear it, I may change. So today's the last, for me to be "me". I bet today's the last time."
I can't help but often wonder why the people I get close to always leave me. Is it fate? I cry out for an answer, but the only reply is the endless echo of darkness."
I wish i could do that more than anything. just pack things away with a smile...because if i really had the ability to move on, I think I'd never need to see you again.
I almost feel like a child again. Like I don't know what to do. That I don't know what to believe in.
I often wonder if my feelings will ever reach you. Maybe they're not meant to. Maybe because I don't have the ability to love someone properly, I don't deserve to be loved in return.
ok, so i've decided! of course I'll be there for you in the future if you ever need or want me there, even though I know I shouldn't give you that option. But I guess I lied. I'm giving up trying to get you to love me. It really feels like I've lost the one thing I swore I would keep precious to me. This feeling of hope...and of loving you. hontou ni gomen!
If we meet again, then it will have to be fate. I've done all I can do. Until then, even though my jealous heart wants to be loved by you, and will always wish that, I will say, I hope you find the happiness you're looking for! Au toki made, sayounara!
yet another email
It's late and i should probably sleep. especially since i've been bumping into doors and walls lately. right now, i'm so tired i can barely stay awake. typing is difficult, lol. i also randomly started sweating like crazy too. must be really hot in here, lol. everything in my body is slowing down rapidly, pleading for rest, heh.
but i wanted to tell you some things before i forgot tomorrow. i like watching j-dramas. somehow they allow me to think about things in ways i wouldn't normally. (they also make me wish i had treasured the person who was important to me, even more) but, here's what i wanted to say.
i know i've said it many times, but i miss you. i miss feeling safe in your arms most of all. but i also miss hearing your voice . but i suppose you don't really want to talk to me that way. i understand now, forcing myself to stay away, because i don't want to bring you unhappiness by having me there. i know it doesn't matter, understanding, crying and all that. and i know it can't change anything. i guess i wonder why i say it at all.
but this is what i wanted to say most of all. i'm sorry i can't be a good friend now, that i can't be the kind of friend you want me to be. and maybe not in the future. i don't know. but as i said, if you ever need me to be by your side, i still love you...i always will...i know, because even after all this time, these feelings have only become stronger. dakara, if you ever need me to be, all you have to do is ask, and i would be by your side as fast as i can. that is one promise i believe i can keep. this promise, i truly truly believe in. so, please don't forget it. i don't feel it's right to ask others around you how you are doing, because i know that sometimes you hide it from other people too. i also don't think it's always good to rely on my intuition about how you're feeling, because while i can sometimes sense how you're doing, even if you don't say much, i know that as we drift farther apart, even if i sense things...i shouldn't do anything if you don't ask.
i realized today. why it hurts when you're gone, especially as time goes on. the me i am when i was with you, i really like that person i was. deep down, i didn't know, but i wasn't scared of losing just you. but that person i was with you. i suppose, i just wonder, if i can become that person again, if i were to see you again. it's funny, how in my memories of us, what i tend to remember is me smiling and laughing, and being strong, because i felt i could always have a place beside you. that i could always be special to you. being with you, knowing that i could hurt you and that you could hurt me is scary and painful. but not seeing you at all, is so much more painful and lonely.
"the you i see when i close my eyes has somehow helped me become stronger. i too, want to be like that for you."
i'm sorry. i wrote so much more than i meant to...it seems my mind is even slowing down now. oyasumi.
samaiko
ps. one more thing i forgot to say. often at night, i'll think really hard...or say outloud. "i miss you." or "i love you." i suppose, somehow i hope that you can hear me or feel it...or something...but maybe it's too much to hope for?
haha...y'd i write something like that...baka mitai...
but i wanted to tell you some things before i forgot tomorrow. i like watching j-dramas. somehow they allow me to think about things in ways i wouldn't normally. (they also make me wish i had treasured the person who was important to me, even more) but, here's what i wanted to say.
i know i've said it many times, but i miss you. i miss feeling safe in your arms most of all. but i also miss hearing your voice . but i suppose you don't really want to talk to me that way. i understand now, forcing myself to stay away, because i don't want to bring you unhappiness by having me there. i know it doesn't matter, understanding, crying and all that. and i know it can't change anything. i guess i wonder why i say it at all.
but this is what i wanted to say most of all. i'm sorry i can't be a good friend now, that i can't be the kind of friend you want me to be. and maybe not in the future. i don't know. but as i said, if you ever need me to be by your side, i still love you...i always will...i know, because even after all this time, these feelings have only become stronger. dakara, if you ever need me to be, all you have to do is ask, and i would be by your side as fast as i can. that is one promise i believe i can keep. this promise, i truly truly believe in. so, please don't forget it. i don't feel it's right to ask others around you how you are doing, because i know that sometimes you hide it from other people too. i also don't think it's always good to rely on my intuition about how you're feeling, because while i can sometimes sense how you're doing, even if you don't say much, i know that as we drift farther apart, even if i sense things...i shouldn't do anything if you don't ask.
i realized today. why it hurts when you're gone, especially as time goes on. the me i am when i was with you, i really like that person i was. deep down, i didn't know, but i wasn't scared of losing just you. but that person i was with you. i suppose, i just wonder, if i can become that person again, if i were to see you again. it's funny, how in my memories of us, what i tend to remember is me smiling and laughing, and being strong, because i felt i could always have a place beside you. that i could always be special to you. being with you, knowing that i could hurt you and that you could hurt me is scary and painful. but not seeing you at all, is so much more painful and lonely.
"the you i see when i close my eyes has somehow helped me become stronger. i too, want to be like that for you."
i'm sorry. i wrote so much more than i meant to...it seems my mind is even slowing down now. oyasumi.
samaiko
ps. one more thing i forgot to say. often at night, i'll think really hard...or say outloud. "i miss you." or "i love you." i suppose, somehow i hope that you can hear me or feel it...or something...but maybe it's too much to hope for?
haha...y'd i write something like that...baka mitai...
one of many emails
And somehow, i guess i hope you'll read it, or at least i can sort out some thoughts anyways...
i miss having you to run to when i want to cry, because i really want to now. i miss having you wrap your arms around me, and stroke my hair. i miss hearing you whisper, saying you'll always be there. i miss feeling like i could always come back to you. like with you, there was always a place where i could be at peace and feel loved and have one person who cared, one person who would never be too busy. one person who would never leave me. and even when i didn't believe you, i miss you telling me that things would be okay. as i've said, there is only one thing i want from you now. it's not even love. it's time. but no matter what i do, no matter how much i cry, or express my loneliness, you seem so unaffected. but i guess i would be too, if i had the opportunity at a new and better relationship. but even now, when i need it the most, it seems like time with you is the one thing i'll never have.
tho now that i think about it, i do remember thinking, i'd rather be the one who is rejected by the one i love, rather than reject the one who loves me, because i'd rather be the one who gets hurt rather than be the one who hurts another. i wonder if i've always been this way. so i guess it's better this way..tho i guess that kinda makes me pitifully vulnerable as a person... :( i know there's something in me that hurts you. so it's okay this way, right? maybe even if you don't get around to seeing me, even if you intend to someday. maybe the best way to protect your happiness and you is to stay away, if that's how it works out.
still...i've been wishing that...maybe someday we can go somewhere, just the two of us. some place really beautiful. somewhere where we can see the forest, and mountains, and a creek or river. some place with lots of butterflies. some place with a huge field of wildflowers. where the sun is bright and warm. some place where i can see you laugh and smile, as if we had just met. as if we had never hurt each other. some place we can shout to the endless sky all our wishes, our dreams. some place where i can feel a gentle breeze and smile, happy to simply be alive with you beside me. some place where we can just lie next to each other, as if we had all the time in the world, and just have each other's company be enough to say we want nothing more. just imagining such an experience with you makes me feel like i can hope to see you again. it would be great, wouldn't it? to be, at least for a short while like we were special to each other again? to me, i would i treasure such moments forever. such an experience would truly be wonderful, and somehow i feel like i'd be alive again. thanks for listening, somehow i feel like i just experienced a memory that never happened. now, at least, my tears feel peaceful. and i'ts more like i can say "i'll see you again!" rather than an painful good-bye that leaves me feeling empty and left behind. even if seeing you again, is in this memory, this place i've created for myself, where you're there. and where i'm once again, the most special person to you. because in this place at least, you haven't changed. your feelings haven't changed. and in this way, i really feel like i'm still loved by you.
thank you. hontou ni.
samaiko
i miss having you to run to when i want to cry, because i really want to now. i miss having you wrap your arms around me, and stroke my hair. i miss hearing you whisper, saying you'll always be there. i miss feeling like i could always come back to you. like with you, there was always a place where i could be at peace and feel loved and have one person who cared, one person who would never be too busy. one person who would never leave me. and even when i didn't believe you, i miss you telling me that things would be okay. as i've said, there is only one thing i want from you now. it's not even love. it's time. but no matter what i do, no matter how much i cry, or express my loneliness, you seem so unaffected. but i guess i would be too, if i had the opportunity at a new and better relationship. but even now, when i need it the most, it seems like time with you is the one thing i'll never have.
tho now that i think about it, i do remember thinking, i'd rather be the one who is rejected by the one i love, rather than reject the one who loves me, because i'd rather be the one who gets hurt rather than be the one who hurts another. i wonder if i've always been this way. so i guess it's better this way..tho i guess that kinda makes me pitifully vulnerable as a person... :( i know there's something in me that hurts you. so it's okay this way, right? maybe even if you don't get around to seeing me, even if you intend to someday. maybe the best way to protect your happiness and you is to stay away, if that's how it works out.
still...i've been wishing that...maybe someday we can go somewhere, just the two of us. some place really beautiful. somewhere where we can see the forest, and mountains, and a creek or river. some place with lots of butterflies. some place with a huge field of wildflowers. where the sun is bright and warm. some place where i can see you laugh and smile, as if we had just met. as if we had never hurt each other. some place we can shout to the endless sky all our wishes, our dreams. some place where i can feel a gentle breeze and smile, happy to simply be alive with you beside me. some place where we can just lie next to each other, as if we had all the time in the world, and just have each other's company be enough to say we want nothing more. just imagining such an experience with you makes me feel like i can hope to see you again. it would be great, wouldn't it? to be, at least for a short while like we were special to each other again? to me, i would i treasure such moments forever. such an experience would truly be wonderful, and somehow i feel like i'd be alive again. thanks for listening, somehow i feel like i just experienced a memory that never happened. now, at least, my tears feel peaceful. and i'ts more like i can say "i'll see you again!" rather than an painful good-bye that leaves me feeling empty and left behind. even if seeing you again, is in this memory, this place i've created for myself, where you're there. and where i'm once again, the most special person to you. because in this place at least, you haven't changed. your feelings haven't changed. and in this way, i really feel like i'm still loved by you.
thank you. hontou ni.
samaiko
the start of my other blog...
All my life, I've written countless of pages. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep a diary. If anything, the one thing I've always been able to write about is love. So this will be a new kind of journal. Also, I will apologize for the random sentences in broken Japanese (it's just a part of me that I feel lets me express myself better). Here, I will try and remember everything about you that I can and write down all the memories I have of you. There's always so much in me, so much that I want to say to you, so many things I can't bring myself to...but my hope is that one day I will have all this written down. So that I will not forget you. And I will have proof that love existed in my world. And that I existed. I believe we write to either touch the hearts of others or to desperately show that we existed and to give us some hope for the future. Maybe these attempts are made of all those feelings and desires. If anyone does read this, I hope that you will be able to cry, laugh, and relate. We all think that our own stories are vastly different than another person's. But really, I think maybe all we want sometimes, is to know that someone else understands. And that we are not alone in our struggles as we grow. As we ask why we fell in love, why we lose that which is precious to us, and finding our own reasons to live on. Finding the strength that is in us. Learning that we become wonderful people when our lives join with another. When another's heart touches us and binds us with the intricate threads of life and fate. But also finding the strength to retain the sense of "me", even when we find ourselves alone, blindly stumbling through the darkness our feet searching for the path, our hands flailing, desperately trying to find something to hold onto.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
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