yet another email

It's late and i should probably sleep. especially since i've been bumping into doors and walls lately. right now, i'm so tired i can barely stay awake. typing is difficult, lol. i also randomly started sweating like crazy too. must be really hot in here, lol. everything in my body is slowing down rapidly, pleading for rest, heh.

but i wanted to tell you some things before i forgot tomorrow. i like watching j-dramas. somehow they allow me to think about things in ways i wouldn't normally. (they also make me wish i had treasured the person who was important to me, even more) but, here's what i wanted to say.

i know i've said it many times, but i miss you. i miss feeling safe in your arms most of all. but i also miss hearing your voice . but i suppose you don't really want to talk to me that way. i understand now, forcing myself to stay away, because i don't want to bring you unhappiness by having me there. i know it doesn't matter, understanding, crying and all that. and i know it can't change anything. i guess i wonder why i say it at all.

but this is what i wanted to say most of all. i'm sorry i can't be a good friend now, that i can't be the kind of friend you want me to be. and maybe not in the future. i don't know. but as i said, if you ever need me to be by your side, i still love you...i always will...i know, because even after all this time, these feelings have only become stronger. dakara, if you ever need me to be, all you have to do is ask, and i would be by your side as fast as i can. that is one promise i believe i can keep. this promise, i truly truly believe in. so, please don't forget it. i don't feel it's right to ask others around you how you are doing, because i know that sometimes you hide it from other people too. i also don't think it's always good to rely on my intuition about how you're feeling, because while i can sometimes sense how you're doing, even if you don't say much, i know that as we drift farther apart, even if i sense things...i shouldn't do anything if you don't ask.

i realized today. why it hurts when you're gone, especially as time goes on. the me i am when i was with you, i really like that person i was. deep down, i didn't know, but i wasn't scared of losing just you. but that person i was with you. i suppose, i just wonder, if i can become that person again, if i were to see you again. it's funny, how in my memories of us, what i tend to remember is me smiling and laughing, and being strong, because i felt i could always have a place beside you. that i could always be special to you. being with you, knowing that i could hurt you and that you could hurt me is scary and painful. but not seeing you at all, is so much more painful and lonely.

"the you i see when i close my eyes has somehow helped me become stronger. i too, want to be like that for you."

i'm sorry. i wrote so much more than i meant to...it seems my mind is even slowing down now. oyasumi.

samaiko

ps. one more thing i forgot to say. often at night, i'll think really hard...or say outloud. "i miss you." or "i love you." i suppose, somehow i hope that you can hear me or feel it...or something...but maybe it's too much to hope for?

haha...y'd i write something like that...baka mitai...

one of many emails

And somehow, i guess i hope you'll read it, or at least i can sort out some thoughts anyways...

i miss having you to run to when i want to cry, because i really want to now. i miss having you wrap your arms around me, and stroke my hair. i miss hearing you whisper, saying you'll always be there. i miss feeling like i could always come back to you. like with you, there was always a place where i could be at peace and feel loved and have one person who cared, one person who would never be too busy. one person who would never leave me. and even when i didn't believe you, i miss you telling me that things would be okay. as i've said, there is only one thing i want from you now. it's not even love. it's time. but no matter what i do, no matter how much i cry, or express my loneliness, you seem so unaffected. but i guess i would be too, if i had the opportunity at a new and better relationship. but even now, when i need it the most, it seems like time with you is the one thing i'll never have.

tho now that i think about it, i do remember thinking, i'd rather be the one who is rejected by the one i love, rather than reject the one who loves me, because i'd rather be the one who gets hurt rather than be the one who hurts another. i wonder if i've always been this way. so i guess it's better this way..tho i guess that kinda makes me pitifully vulnerable as a person... :( i know there's something in me that hurts you. so it's okay this way, right? maybe even if you don't get around to seeing me, even if you intend to someday. maybe the best way to protect your happiness and you is to stay away, if that's how it works out.

still...i've been wishing that...maybe someday we can go somewhere, just the two of us. some place really beautiful. somewhere where we can see the forest, and mountains, and a creek or river. some place with lots of butterflies. some place with a huge field of wildflowers. where the sun is bright and warm. some place where i can see you laugh and smile, as if we had just met. as if we had never hurt each other. some place we can shout to the endless sky all our wishes, our dreams. some place where i can feel a gentle breeze and smile, happy to simply be alive with you beside me. some place where we can just lie next to each other, as if we had all the time in the world, and just have each other's company be enough to say we want nothing more. just imagining such an experience with you makes me feel like i can hope to see you again. it would be great, wouldn't it? to be, at least for a short while like we were special to each other again? to me, i would i treasure such moments forever. such an experience would truly be wonderful, and somehow i feel like i'd be alive again. thanks for listening, somehow i feel like i just experienced a memory that never happened. now, at least, my tears feel peaceful. and i'ts more like i can say "i'll see you again!" rather than an painful good-bye that leaves me feeling empty and left behind. even if seeing you again, is in this memory, this place i've created for myself, where you're there. and where i'm once again, the most special person to you. because in this place at least, you haven't changed. your feelings haven't changed. and in this way, i really feel like i'm still loved by you.

thank you. hontou ni.

samaiko

the start of my other blog...

All my life, I've written countless of pages. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep a diary. If anything, the one thing I've always been able to write about is love. So this will be a new kind of journal. Also, I will apologize for the random sentences in broken Japanese (it's just a part of me that I feel lets me express myself better). Here, I will try and remember everything about you that I can and write down all the memories I have of you. There's always so much in me, so much that I want to say to you, so many things I can't bring myself to...but my hope is that one day I will have all this written down. So that I will not forget you. And I will have proof that love existed in my world. And that I existed. I believe we write to either touch the hearts of others or to desperately show that we existed and to give us some hope for the future. Maybe these attempts are made of all those feelings and desires. If anyone does read this, I hope that you will be able to cry, laugh, and relate. We all think that our own stories are vastly different than another person's. But really, I think maybe all we want sometimes, is to know that someone else understands. And that we are not alone in our struggles as we grow. As we ask why we fell in love, why we lose that which is precious to us, and finding our own reasons to live on. Finding the strength that is in us. Learning that we become wonderful people when our lives join with another. When another's heart touches us and binds us with the intricate threads of life and fate. But also finding the strength to retain the sense of "me", even when we find ourselves alone, blindly stumbling through the darkness our feet searching for the path, our hands flailing, desperately trying to find something to hold onto.

not much...

today...not much... :/

I Think I Understand...

At least a little bit more. I think it's possible to love two people at once. Because we can love them for different reasons. Even though I still believe I love you in some way, I think I'm ready to fall in love again. It's as if I never fell in love, and I still have that beautiful image of loving and being loved, like I did when I was young.

Even though I still have that small feeling that something's not quite right with how you're acting...well you asked me to move on. So the least I can do for you is what you ask me to. I know I'd want you to do the same for me. And when I start to miss you again, if I can think about what it would be like to find another, who is equally as wonderful as you were, somehow it makes the hurting go away, at least for the time being.

"I'm standing at the door to a new world. When I close my eyes I see you. How strong has that made me? I hope I can be the same for you."

This song, too, is beautiful in its own way.

Somehow, though, even if I can convince myself I'm moving on and fine, at least consciously, subconsciously a part of me must know that is not so...or so my dreams tell me...

But it's fine, as long as I can be all right, while I'm up and doing things and living life, right?

I don't know

I hate feeling like I can't do anything for my friends.

I hate not being loved by the one person I care about the most anymore.

I hate calling out ofr help and not being heard. And I hate being scared to call out in the first place.

I hate all these feelings inside...But most of all, I hate the emptiness.

It's not that I'm not grateful for what you have done. I am happy to have lived a life where
you were there. And I'm happy for everything you've given me.

If I do die...I wish that I could become a guardian angel. So that I can be all that I never was in this life. So I can do more than I ever could in this life, for those who I love.

So I can protect you. And be by your side.

Forever.

I just dont know...

"Maybe if we both lived in a different world..."

All I want to say. All I cannot.

All I want to feel. And all I cannot.

In this world, the decision is not for me to decide.