Day 15 I guess

I hate dreams are that are so emotional that I wake up far more tired than when I went to bed. Not so much fun.

I dreamed that you confessed you liked another girl, chuu-chan. I was stunned. Then depressed. Then angry. Then hurt. Or maybe all of those at once. Tho it's silly 'cause...well, I've been in that situation with you before, and well...will probably have to face it again in the near-future. The first thing I thought when I woke up was that I was glad it was just a dream and that I was probably in love with you after all.

But I also remember now why I was never sure.

Then is it just that I'm so easily jealous? Am I just the jealous type?

"The same things that brought us together will eventually tear us apart." That line still comes back. You and I really really want to be loved. So we'd probably take anyone who's decent in all aspects. I don't know what to do.

I miss you. I really wish I could've done something wonderful for your birthday.

god only knows what day it is...i'll figure it out later.

so tired right now from the emotional stress lately and lack of sleepy i'm dizzy...

i wrote some lyrics lately. then just comes the hard part- a melody and an instrumental.
i might suck 'cause i can't sound as good as other people.
but at least then, these will be my own. and i dont have to try so hard to sound like someone i can't.

i was trying to think how i can get more hits. that's the only feedback i've gotten on my singing videos. it'll be a lot of effort...and time i dont really have.

speaking of which, work on sunday? you've got to be kidding me....but i should've figured as much.

today i crashed the car. and probably the only way we could've seen each other this summer. for that i'm sorry beyond words, chuu-chan.

i guess i've really given up on you. i get it now. i really do. i'd be fine if i never heard from you again d-kun.

Day 10. i guess

not much to say. i've been failing lately at the whole blogging thing. been too tired..

i didn't fall asleep at work today. but it was still long. hopefully it can be bearable enough. today was okay.

romantic movies are cute. it surprises me which ones i expect to be just plain silly, that even they turn out to offer an interesting, surprising thought.

d-kun was on fb today. that means he had to have checked his email. and he still hasn't responded. i guess he really just doesn't care. i wont' pretend like my heart didn't leap to see him on, if even just a little bit.

chuu-chan, i hope we can always be close. if there's you, then i feel like things might be okay after all. sometimes i really do hope u had fallen in love. or could. but that's a lot to wish for. and even then i can't be sure it'd make me happy.

but even just being this close, well...i don't feel so alone. sometimes...like i could move on.

Day....? 7

"Why is she Still sleeping??"

And that's why I want my own place, my own life. So that on a holiday I can fuckin sleep as long as I want.

Work starts tomorrow...one of the most stressful, deadline-run job I've ever taken. Well- I know what I Don't want to do as a permanent job. Are you surprised? I just hope I don't fuck up too majorly or too much this time.

Still waiting to hear back from the English teaching company. Let me go, please...

Well- posted a few songs last night. Better now than never, I just hope it goes well. As long as I have this dream, then I can feel like I'm passionately doing something with my life.

I'd like to celebrate your birthday with you. But I guess I'll have to settle with sending a present maybe, and a phone call. After all...if you don't put in the effort...if you don't want it enough, why should I.

Right?

day 6,

point pleasant beach huh...? interesting

scents- tobacco smoke, alchohol, and grease. bitter...

very much like a fair tho, which made me excited, even if i hid it well.

thanks for the piggy- even if he is odd looking.

i wish we had more time there tho.

driving in the dark is scary. it's like being blind. im a pretty fuckin lucky driver not to have died yet.

i wish u had grabbed my hand after all. and i liked the kiss.

why am i so obsessed over the things i can't or shouldn't have? am i just selfish?

Day 5..i think

stardust was cliche, but cute. hadn't seen a fantasy in a while. and it's nice to see men with swords, dressed up as "farmboys." lol, brings back the princess bride and all my days of childhood books.

haven't heard back from d-kun yet...i guess its just as well. i'm sure he's "busy." i dont know what to think of that passion in my heart. maybe it's love...maybe it's jealousy and longing. who knows...its all for nothing anyways.

gonna see you, chuu-chan tomorrow. should be good, provided i dont get lost. i wonder if we'd slip into our couple selves too easily...i really dont know.

but you're not in love with me. you're still looking. which i suppose is good.

so i guess i'm not in love with you either.

Day 4? I think

Already it seems I'm not doing so well at keeping up this blog. Between chatting with Chuu-chan, and my new netflix subscription, it seems I keep forgetting. But I will try harder! I'm also excited about going to see Chuu-chan. Even if we're not technically together, I'm sure it will be fun- although I really wanted to go on the beach. Oh well..maybe another time.

What unexpected support from the one world girls. Unfortunately all I hear is "JET, JET, JET..." and it only reminds me that I failed... :(

I hope that I get that job in Japan even if it's not with a company nearly as good or trustworthy as JET. I really don't mind. I really just want to get there....I'm eager and I can't contain it. I want to see what I'm capable of, and I want to start my adventure. I'm nervous and terribly scared, but I so want to go anyways.

So I guess I need a different code-name for the other one. D-kun will work I suppose. I chatted with him for a little bit. I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel for either one. But it seems he really doesn't want to see me after all. He says he will...but he doesn't seem to express that desire really.

I wonder if I'll always be saying this.

"Do you know the person who had to let you go, as they clutched their heart? That person is me. We had loved each other, but we're separating now. Although we're under the same sky at different places, please do not forget me."

You say that you still care about me...but all I can hear in my own head is "嘘ばかり。。。”

If he doesn't love me, then i shouldn't be putting so much effort into, right?

I still have that dream of becoming a j-pop star...but then I wonder if it's really possible. I haven't even gotten a chance to record for fear of being yelled at for being loud. I might try the barn...and I still know that even if I want to sing..if I don't feel it in my heart, then it's no good...

Well, at least it's cooler down here, even if that means being around people...guess I'll see what I can find to eat...

way too hot in here...

that's the only problem with being in the most secluded room. an exchange for having privacy= really hot in the summer, freezing in the winter.

graduation- the usual. got packed and unpacked faster than i expected. but now it looks like i'll be stuck here for 4 months...or more.

I hope I can get that job in Japan asap...but unfortunately again, schedules collide.

because as mom pointed out it'll be next to impossible to find a temp job and a place to live for 6 months.

he called. it was strange talking to him. i couldnt tell if i was nervous or not though. bet that's all i'll get into contact with him now..unless he gets internet.

read a cute manga tho.

reminded me that sometimes i wish someone would just say "i really want to be beside you and only you. i want you to stay with me. you're important to me and i love you." or something. but i haven't heard it yet.

so i guess there's no point, no matter how i might feel.

had to break up a fight between the brothers. and had to deal with mom and her bf fighting.

welcome home.

time to get back to sweating.

Until we meet again...right?

This will probably be short.

Love doesn't seem like quite the right word. But maybe it is.

Thank you just doesn't seem to suffice. But it's all I can think of.

I hate that crying makes me feel physically weak. But I'm probably also just tired...

I did cry though. I hope if you need to, you can let it out too.

Really when I was telling you "don't cry" I was telling myself more.

Did I tell you that everytime you part with someone, it gets easier? If so- I lied.

But it feels strange that I cried, leaving someone I considered a friend- as much as I did when I parted with someone I was in love with.

So like you- "I don't know."

I didn't cry the last time my relationship ended- because I thought we'd see each other again even though we said "good-bye."

Somehow saying saying "we'll see each other again soon" made me want to cry even more.

I understand now what it means, that saying "thank you" is somehow sadder than saying "good-bye."

I really wanted to smile for you until the very end. But I guess I'm no good at that.

Still, I'm glad to know we can keep talking. I know that making promises does nothing more than ask for disappointment. So no promises will be made.

But I truly hope we'll see each other again real soon. You have definitely earned this friendship- just by being yourself. So don't ever forget that. :)

at this time of night...

what am i doing awake?

i feel so stupid...for crying even now.

even after all this time, it still hurts.

it makes me feel sick.

why?

why do i have to keep missing you?

why do i keep hoping for something that will never happen?

Mou ichido...

"I want to meet you once more, see you once more...tell me why you had to go...if only we could laugh like we did back then..."

My life continues to change around me. No matter how many times I think I've given up on you. But it's like...I don't want to lose you either. So these feelings remain the same. I guess no matter who I come to love, this will always be so. It's sad and painful at times, but if I can find moments of happiness, then it's okay. Then I don't mind.

I also thought I had fallen in love again. But maybe not. So I think I'm okay for now. I don't want to be hurt again. I can't take it too seriously. My sanity depends on remembering that. It's sad to keep realizing that you don't actually care. It's times like that, when I get hurt. And when I'm likely to hurt you too. I know this all too well.

But I have definitely enjoyed being with you. I like you very much. And I've had a lot of fun. Of that, I'm certain. And you've taken care of me so well-

♫

♫ Because we weren't in love with each other, we were able to love each other better. Because we didn't lose sight of the importance of friendship. Every day I feel like I'm learning to be strong all over again. I don't want to wait for you anymore. I'd rather fly. Without regrets. Without feeling the need to look back. And without hoping for us to return to the way we were. And I don't want to believe I'll always be sad because of that. I want to believe that small moments of happiness will always find me.

"What's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn..."

Well, not that that has much to do with how I feel really now anyways...but maybe this post will have a lot of good, truthful stuff.

Breaking my own rules...一人で飲むから。。。I'll try to limit myself tho...good thing it tastes like shit. I wonder why do these things to ourselves. Even if we have friends...it's like we're lonely anyways. And we feel like we have to shoulder our pain by ourselves. Why?...

But hey. I've been good so far this semester. I think I deserve to be cut some slack. Although it's possible my body probably won't thank me.

Tonight was kinda fun. Even if it was a bit lonely. And even if it quickly began to make me feel empty. But I reverted back to my own, defense-full self. All because I was embarrassed...even though i don't know why...

I wonder if I deserve it. I thought it didn't bother me. I really didn't..but maybe I was just bottling it up after all. Because I've been told it's wrong to complain or be selfish. I still don't see why it bothers me. Am I really that pathetic? Am I denying feelings that are really there? It'd sure explain a lot...and if love really is just chemical hormones...well, then....

I'm glad you're hanging out with friends. It's good...really, really. It's nothing you should regret. I guess tbh, I guess I too, had this picture of being alone. Maybe that was why...but I don't mind being a bit lonely..if it means you'll be okay without me. だから。。。だから、いいんでしょね？。。。

ね...?

Damn. I feel like I've said that line before...

I miss you. I think. I wondered how you're doing. If you're enjoying yourself. But of course...I wonder how you're doing, every day. I don't expect to see you again, and yet I still wonder. Even though I know you don't care. Guess I really am doomed till the day I die. What a sad punishment....

I wanted to cry at first. Even if I didn't understand why. Maybe because I was lonely. Or scared..but who really knows...

I'm afraid I'll lose control. It's easy to...because in order to become happy, humans often, uknowingly, hurt those around them. I know that already...but it makes it easy...

"Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart..."

I'd blog more..but I don't really know what to say and I'm beginning to think I'm losing my conscious functionality.

This stuff is gross...and ugh...that burned going down...haaa...

And of course, the age-old question comes to mind...what the fuck am I doing with my life...?

Ugh...another burn...and here comes the ride...

"i'm just a fucked-up girl, looking for her own peace of mind..."

"forgive me my weakness..."

but it's okay...i gotta remember how to live. on my own.

Trying...

It's late...and I'm recovering(hopefully) from feeling sick and the guilt of having wasted my day because of it and all my bad luck.

So, it being late, here I am as usual, thinking about all the stuff I shouldn't.

Like every time I think about love, I hope I can learn something new about myself. Most of the time I just end up confused. Or frustrated. Or both.

Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that...It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine: Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.

I had always hoped we'd get another chance, too. I always thought that if I could, it would be different. We could make it better. But I suppose in reality, we're not so lucky. And maybe I wouldn't change.

With you, I've wanted to say I'm trying my best. Like somehow, I got another chance after all. But I'm human. I slip up and make too many mistakes. I'm selfish and I always want what's just out of reach. And I don't realize who I'm hurting because of that endless chase after happiness. So that's why I think that, maybe I wouldn't change. Like I didn't really appreciate what we had, and I forget to with what I have now. Who's to say I wouldn't make those same mistakes even if I got that second chance?

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.

Maybe it's just because of me, then. Maybe that's just how I am after all. In my head, it's always a different relationship that sounds perfect, like with you. But even if I don't want to admit it, maybe that's how I feel. Even if I don't like that about myself, maybe it's true.

Every time we have that awkward ending to our chats, whether it's one of us storming off or due to some bad timing or connection, it hurts. But once in a while, I feel stronger.

I want to be able to say good-bye to you for good. And be okay if you don't come to see me. Even if it means, you'll always just be a dream or a memory, I want to be okay. Last time, I almost thought I could.

And on top of that, there's someone who's hurting too. Someone who feels the same pain I do, even if it's not for the exact same reasons. I just have to remind myself not to make those same mistakes. Like I want to change myself...and somehow change my fate as well. To start...I want back the patience I had last semester. The one that just wanted to have someone special to be with, even if that person wasn't in love with me (it would only lead to more sadness, wouldn't it?...) I'm still scared to fall in love, but if even for just a little while...I want to keep trying to become a better person and love without regret. For just a little longer...

The winter here's cold...and bitter...

I wish talking to you didn't often end like this. With you disappearing. And me being reminded that you didn't care. Each time doesn't hurt any less. And each time, I feel like a fool. I must really be a fool...to cry each time. Like I'm hearing you for the first time...and still find a way to hope again soon after...I'm such a simple, pathetic person. Being so happy at every little praise or attention you throw my way.

"I feel just like I'm sinking...as I claw for solid ground..." No matter how much I cry and pray for you to come save me there's no answer.

So it's a lie to say I believe you. After all, I know it's no good. But I guess that's a good thing. After all, you're really not the person you used to be. The person I see in my mind. The person I seem doomed to love until I die..as punishment for hurting you.

I feel like I'm always apologizing to someone...and I guess my problem isn't someone loving me. But I wonder if I'll never be able to really love someone again. But maybe that's part of my punishment too.

"...I know I can love you much better than this..."

If I'm not alone...why do I feel so lonely...?

But I know...

"It's better this way..."

One for you...

...since I haven't in a while. And you definitely deserve it. And because I know I talk about him too much. And because I'm sorry for that.

I know you understand. Because it still hurts for you to think about it too, right?

It's not the first time I've thought about it. But especially tonight, when we were holding hands, I really liked it. I felt really really happy. I know we're not in love, but I almost felt like, if you weren't going to China and I wasn't trying to go Japan, maybe this relationship wouldn't have to end.

Some day, I'm sure you'll find a girl just for you. Someone who spends her time playing video games and role-playing. Who would become excited when she learns you like MST3K...and Lewis Black, because she would too. Someone you'd be so in love with that when you look at her, you'd wish you could be with her forever.

And some day, if I'm lucky I can find someone like that again too.

But for now, even if it's not love, I feel really lucky that I can at least feel like you care about me and where I'm happy to be by your side. For some reason, tonight, the physicality of being to able to hold your hand was something I felt I'd treasure while it last. And something I'll never forget.

I know I'm still awkward when it comes to expressing and receiving affection. I become sad and lonely often. My uncertainties seem to show more and more...and I cry too easily. And I know that sometimes you forget or get distracted. I myself, am full of those faults too. But when you try your best, it really moves me, even if I still think you're naive. But being imperfect, growing and learning...finding our own answers to what it means to love someone...because of you, I've been able to change these answers.

I've been told I've become much happier than I was when I was. Even now, it's strange to think think that if I'm in love with him..yet I become sad when I think about him...and neither is true about you...then maybe love for me, really has been re-defined.

Because even when I'm down, I always manage to smile. Because you're there. And I can't say thank you enough...

We're lucky enough to have found each other. Ｗe're no longer lonely, because we're cheering each other on and making fun memories that prove we can become happy no matter what painful experiences we've had. So let's continue to do our best! ^_^

Some time to think...

It's weird, knowing I won't be able to go to Japan like I thought. At least not the way I planned. It looks like over-estimating myself backfired again. No matter how many times it happens, getting rejected doesn't hurt any less each time...

I've had a lot of thoughts since I found out. Like thinking I'm not good enough after all. And wondering what I'm doing here. If I'm really just wasting my time and what the point of it is...It's kind of a sad thought, to know that I used to have so many wonderful inspiring dreams. And now all I really want is just to be comfortable. To have a place of my own and a job I like reasonably enough. Is that okay? To want just that much...

Maybe if I'm lucky I can have time to write my songs, or go to the beach. Maybe even have a pet. And if I'm really lucky, a person just for me. Someone who loves me because I am me. Someone who, when I'm with, I won't think "if only things were different, I bet we could be in love."

I know I'm supposed to be happy for you. I'm relieved to see you're doing well... But it also hurts to know you are.You'll always go forward. That's one thing I've always been jealous of. Your ability to always be surrounded by friends. And to be happy, no matter where you are.

I've tried to hope that I can go to Japan. But finding a job like this is so much harder. And it's like I've somehow lost that spirit and energy I had last semester.

It's painful to know that I can't even pretend I can run away.

I once thought that if I wasn't able to go to Japan, that maybe I would try to see you. That maybe...that would be the only thing that could make me unable to go...okay. For me, it's like, that would be the only silver lining.

But I know that would do no good either. I know that I hurt you back then. And I already decided that if you didn't come to see me, then it just means you didn't love me enough. And that's fine. Because it means I'll never have to worry about hurting you again.

I used to wonder if I'd be scared to see you. That's probably true too. Like an ending to a story that I don't really want to see. I'd probably cry a lot...And maybe really...I don't want to see you again, unless you love me. Because I don't know if I could handle saying good-bye again.

But...suppose I'll always be waiting...because that one real love, it's what I want. And I can't help but miss it. Heh...I feel like an old woman sometimes, someone who's lived and seen too much. Even though that's impossible. Because I'm still young, everyone says.

But for now, I bide my time with school-work. And pretend I have a social life. And spend a lot of time alone. Usually I don't mind it either. Even if it gets lonely sometimes. This peace, it's what I was after. Funny how, when you get to that point, that's when you want to go back...

The drama I'm watching isn't the most riveting one I've seen. But there are some good scenes. I really liked this one line:

"being young means...
being lonely,
being humiliated,
and handling things clumsily...
Being hurt all the time,
you get tired of it..."

Heh...I guess I'm still young.

I realize that, especially when it comes to matters of love...we try to do the best we can. But I know better than to believe in fairy tales. I know that people are selfish. We only think about our own happiness. So we don't see that we end up hurting the people we should really care about. And we take them for granted, thinking we have plenty of time. Not knowing how much they really mean to us. That's how we lose them. And usually they're gone...before we're ready to say good-bye. I feel like that's the story of my life.

So much for Japan..

Kinda a huge bummer...

but there's a reason for everything right?... i just wish i knew why i wasn't meant to get that job...and how else i can go to japan...because i can go, right?...

but maybe after all, i'm really doing just needing an excuse to run away...but i guess life couldn't even grant me that.

mom said that maybe it meant we'd be together...even though before i figured it meant we'd still have a chance...i didn't really know how to react when she said that. but it's nice she's being supportive i guess...but it does show how little she knows about me...but maybe it's because she knows that deep down i want to be serious. so it's hard to believe that i Would do a non-serious relationship...

had a mini what-the-fuck-am-i-doing-with-my-life crisis...that i'm just wasting my life here...

but really. i guess there's nothing better to do, huh...

a job..a job i like..and a place all my own to stay...that's all i want.

daily happenings and a dream to spark the post.

finally got my errands complete. and i'm caught up with the minor assignments i've had so far...though i still duno about the thesis topic i chose..but i guess a have a couple days to think about it. i guess the high TSH might explain why i'm tired all the time. but i think not... :P

i wish we could hang out a bit today...but i suppose even if we won't admit it, the quota does get filled eventually and so, time apart is necessary. even if i dont' want to admit it. that, i've learned, no matter how nice we (like to) try to be or how nice we think we are.

funny how, i really have more money in my account than i've really ever had during a school year..and yet i think i'm still strained for money..heh. there goes paying for your own school bill.

and already events and appointments are scheduled.

but i'm doing okay on the monitering my meal points. and spending money- err..kinda. heh. typical, idiot human.

anyways, one note i wanted to make this morning that i forgot. i had a dream last night..and one of those good ones where i feel like he loves me. where he basically tells me..

in my dream a golden eagle made it's nest from sticks in a giant tree outside my back yard (which was full of these grand trees you'd only find in a great forest...) i could feel it's fear as it built its nest in a hurry to have a safe haven from the beasts. but suddenly i wanted to be in the nest, and the eagle agreed. i ignored it's anxiousness, though i could feel it. and suddenly, the beasts attacked. the eagle was overcome, and i, with several other humans swung around the trees and avoided being attacked. and a voice said something about us being able to, we had the skill, if we could just concentrate and know our resources..or something like that. though i'm sure it was prettier in language in my dream..

but then i went back into my house...and i got an email, from you saying that you were happy to hear that i loved you and you had just been afraid of falling in love again. but you had. and for some reason you were counting numbers...i think maybe 4? duno...and the something about
wanting to give me a purple flower when you heard that i still loved you...and i suddenly pictured
the scene of the eagle picking through them to find the right one...but then too many fell and
he couldn't..and i guess that was the end of the dream and i woke.

duno what it means. it's quite an emotional strain to be having these dreams...and even though i know he doesn't feel that way about me, i guess i'll always love him. because, true, i was happy to read that email in my dream...

so i wonder what it means? what did it symbolize, what was the meaning, what was the purpose? of the flowers, the beasts, the golden eagel, the stick, the backyard, the numbers?

...or maybe it means nothing at all.

really tired...

for some reason i've been getting really tired early at night...not that it means i'll fall asleep easily...

contacts seem to be working all right though ^_^

and so happy about my new gifts XD

i wonder what i'm gonna do about my medication if i can't get a hold of Quest...

and damn this anti-virus software...paying for useless shit...

but i'm glad we got to play today :) at least you pretend to care. sometimes.

i'm glad i get to hang out with you often...i wonder if it's really okay...

the semester has begun...

today is full of errands..unfortunately i'm not a people person..

i did find my ID number though...that was a relief.

just work at the bookstore today- i'm sure it'll be crazy buzy..but hopefully it'll get better in the next couple weeks.

already trying to manage what i eat, how much and how much i spend...this'll be interesting...for now i'll limit myself to getting bagels, soup and salad on campus. and of course the weekly (or almost weekly) date to issei's. sprinkled in with chinese and possibly thai take outs...and dairy/fruits/nuts from the grocery store...i hope this'll work out well and hopefully i can stay pretty balanced.

tho i must say it'll be pretty hard to ingore candy. and ice cream ;) but that's what the gym is for... right? if only i wasn't so lazy, lol..

I guess when i come back i might nap...so yeah...better do the last of my errands...haa..

I look forward to seeing you tonight. and cake ;)

and even now missing you isn't as bad. thank god for school/social distractions...